Who here knows they are THOSE relatives at Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would be us. We break things we don’t like the food, my kids will criticize the cooking and the house. My kids don’t have a filter and they’ll tell people what I’ve said at home and let’s just say I’m not always nice. We’re frugal with giving. We’ve been kicked out before and uninvited. No biggie. Now we don’t go. We’re building our own traditions.

ok … and you see no issue with any of this? Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

DP here. Some people on this thread are so effing dramatic about lice. We had it twice in ES (many many years ago as my kids are now almost grown) and it was time consuming but not that big of a deal. People who overreact about it are just drama queens in general.

if it’s not such a big deal then treat your d*mn kid’s head … BEFORE Disney.

I’m the PP with the Disney lice family trip and YES.

They saw lice moving around in the kids’ head at the airport and decided to go forward with the trip (ok I guess I get that) but the fact that the treatment didn’t start the minute they landed still is a mystery to me to this day. Days and days later. I feel so bad for the people who stayed in their hotel room at Disney after them, sat in their airline seats etc.

[Anonymous]

Oh that's not terrible.

Terrible are the relatives who show up 60-90 minutes late, prepare nothing, but bring a store bought birthday cake for their 19 year old kid whose birthday was a week ago, and do nothing to help clean up. Not a finger among the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

DP here. Some people on this thread are so effing dramatic about lice. We had it twice in ES (many many years ago as my kids are now almost grown) and it was time consuming but not that big of a deal. People who overreact about it are just drama queens in general.

Society is getting to the point of being less judgmental of people who get lice. But no one wants visitors with lice.

No we actually are not. Still judging.

Judging what? You just got lucky that your kid didn't get it at school. Its not a character trait.

In this case it would be judging the PP for thinking it was no big deal and their family wouldn’t mind lice laying eggs and crawling all over their hair. People might not think you were filthy and lousy for having lice, maybe they sat in the airline seat next after this kid, but you are the AH for knowingly bringing it to someone’s home as if it was no big deal. Don’t do that or you will be judged.

100%. I've never had lice and I don't want to. If it happens through unavoidable means, ok, but I would never think of bringing my kid to an event with an untreated lice infestation! That is just awful and horrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

DP here. Some people on this thread are so effing dramatic about lice. We had it twice in ES (many many years ago as my kids are now almost grown) and it was time consuming but not that big of a deal. People who overreact about it are just drama queens in general.

My daughter has had it three times at two different schools (years apart). It definitely is a thing that happens but it is a big deal! My kid had super thick textured hair and it’s super painful for her. I have had the lice lady check me and it took like 20 minutes to my kids two hours and my neck hurt for hours. My son has thin fine hair and it’s NBD for him. I would not allow the PP in my house with lice, not with a toddler especially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

DP here. Some people on this thread are so effing dramatic about lice. We had it twice in ES (many many years ago as my kids are now almost grown) and it was time consuming but not that big of a deal. People who overreact about it are just drama queens in general.

My daughter has had it three times at two different schools (years apart). It definitely is a thing that happens but it is a big deal! My kid had super thick textured hair and it’s super painful for her. I have had the lice lady check me and it took like 20 minutes to my kids two hours and my neck hurt for hours. My son has thin fine hair and it’s NBD for him. I would not allow the PP in my house with lice, not with a toddler especially.

Toddler I would just shave their head. I’d try to make it a fun and silly thing. That being said, wtf was the person who took her kid with lice to thanksgiving thinking? Wearing a hat was her solution? Amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would be us. We break things we don’t like the food, my kids will criticize the cooking and the house. My kids don’t have a filter and they’ll tell people what I’ve said at home and let’s just say I’m not always nice. We’re frugal with giving. We’ve been kicked out before and uninvited. No biggie. Now we don’t go. We’re building our own traditions.

ok … and you see no issue with any of this? Fascinating.

+1

[Anonymous]

Like a PP, we're expats and don't go home for the holidays because the 18 hour flight is just too much.

But, we're worse than the other expat PP because we didn't even go to the "Friendgiving" dinner some other expats had.

Here's why:

The Friendsgiving dinner was meant to happen at 8 pm on Thursday, a relevant detail when you consider that American Thanksgiving isn't a national holiday here, so we all had to go to work on Thursday and Friday. With that in mind:

The host of the "Friendgiving" created a shared doc in which everyone was supposed to indicate exactly what they were cooking and bringing (host was making a turkey). People got super competitive in preparing elaborate dishes. The worst offenders here were the non-American expats from the UK or Australia or France: these people don't really know what American Thanksgiving looks like, so they were determined to go over the top in some kind of crazed culinary one-upsmanship. One of them put creme brulee on the doc, indicating that they would bring their own blowtorch, and another put mushroom-stuffed flank steak rolls with three-berry salsa.

At my house, the kitchen is being remodelled and I didn't have a proper place to cook anything. Plus, I get home at 6 pm. I told the host this. I volunteered to bring a giant green salad and prepare various dishes of cut fresh local tropical fruits. The host came to see me at work on Wednesday, furrowed her brow and said it would be nice if I could also make a cheese board, and could I just go to the luxury imports-foods grocery to get something to "whip together"? (We are in an Asian country where the locals don't really eat cheese, so the cheese available at the grocery. nearest to me is just a sad bag of shredded mozzerella. This means that, to create the cheese board the host wanted, I would need to pay about four times the price for fine cheeses at the one imports-foods grocery that has a real cheese selection). Keep in mind that the last time I attended a dinner at this host's house, a barbecue, I had prepared exactly what she suggested, painstakingly scrounging for expensive imported ingredients, and....nobody ate any of it. Nobody at any of the majority of what any other person brought, either, because there was just too much damn food, it's hot (since there is only one season here, which is high summer, and everyone wanted to just go in the host's condo's pool, which is what happens at every get-together anybody has).

Sure, I could go buy the expensive cheeses, but I am annoyed the green salad and multiple sliced fresh fruits presentations weren't enough. I would love to have those things as a diner myself: the tropical fruits here are abundant and amazing, and the perfect counterpart to the starchy, heavy Thanksgiving fare. But no. Host decreed this is not enough.

So I just said we can't come.

Am I petty and grinch-y? Sure. We probably won't go to the expat Christmas dinner either, for the same reasons.

But Thanksgiving was a peaceful, relaxed day on our house. Actually, we had no traditional Thanksgiving foods at all. And we didn't mention Thanksgiving.

The end, until Expat New Years (might go to that, as the behavior of expat Brit colleagues is just so entertaining, and the video footage that emerges from the event just doesn't do the actual performance justice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like a PP, we're expats and don't go home for the holidays because the 18 hour flight is just too much.

But, we're worse than the other expat PP because we didn't even go to the "Friendgiving" dinner some other expats had.

Here's why:

The Friendsgiving dinner was meant to happen at 8 pm on Thursday, a relevant detail when you consider that American Thanksgiving isn't a national holiday here, so we all had to go to work on Thursday and Friday. With that in mind:

The host of the "Friendgiving" created a shared doc in which everyone was supposed to indicate exactly what they were cooking and bringing (host was making a turkey). People got super competitive in preparing elaborate dishes. The worst offenders here were the non-American expats from the UK or Australia or France: these people don't really know what American Thanksgiving looks like, so they were determined to go over the top in some kind of crazed culinary one-upsmanship. One of them put creme brulee on the doc, indicating that they would bring their own blowtorch, and another put mushroom-stuffed flank steak rolls with three-berry salsa.

At my house, the kitchen is being remodelled and I didn't have a proper place to cook anything. Plus, I get home at 6 pm. I told the host this. I volunteered to bring a giant green salad and prepare various dishes of cut fresh local tropical fruits. The host came to see me at work on Wednesday, furrowed her brow and said it would be nice if I could also make a cheese board, and could I just go to the luxury imports-foods grocery to get something to "whip together"? (We are in an Asian country where the locals don't really eat cheese, so the cheese available at the grocery. nearest to me is just a sad bag of shredded mozzerella. This means that, to create the cheese board the host wanted, I would need to pay about four times the price for fine cheeses at the one imports-foods grocery that has a real cheese selection). Keep in mind that the last time I attended a dinner at this host's house, a barbecue, I had prepared exactly what she suggested, painstakingly scrounging for expensive imported ingredients, and....nobody ate any of it. Nobody at any of the majority of what any other person brought, either, because there was just too much damn food, it's hot (since there is only one season here, which is high summer, and everyone wanted to just go in the host's condo's pool, which is what happens at every get-together anybody has).

Sure, I could go buy the expensive cheeses, but I am annoyed the green salad and multiple sliced fresh fruits presentations weren't enough. I would love to have those things as a diner myself: the tropical fruits here are abundant and amazing, and the perfect counterpart to the starchy, heavy Thanksgiving fare. But no. Host decreed this is not enough.

So I just said we can't come.

Am I petty and grinch-y? Sure. We probably won't go to the expat Christmas dinner either, for the same reasons.

But Thanksgiving was a peaceful, relaxed day on our house. Actually, we had no traditional Thanksgiving foods at all. And we didn't mention Thanksgiving.

The end, until Expat New Years (might go to that, as the behavior of expat Brit colleagues is just so entertaining, and the video footage that emerges from the event just doesn't do the actual performance justice).

TLR

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

That’s WILD that you still went.

I would not have wanted that airplane or taxi seat next.

If someone showed up at my house with lice that would literally be the end of our relationship. This is the most f’d up thing I’ve heard in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

DP here. Some people on this thread are so effing dramatic about lice. We had it twice in ES (many many years ago as my kids are now almost grown) and it was time consuming but not that big of a deal. People who overreact about it are just drama queens in general.

I’m sorry but you’re disgusting if you think having lice is no big deal and I bet you’d be the selfish family member who slapped a hat on their lice-ridden kid’s head and brought them to Thanksgiving dinner. So gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like a PP, we're expats and don't go home for the holidays because the 18 hour flight is just too much.

But, we're worse than the other expat PP because we didn't even go to the "Friendgiving" dinner some other expats had.

Here's why:

The Friendsgiving dinner was meant to happen at 8 pm on Thursday, a relevant detail when you consider that American Thanksgiving isn't a national holiday here, so we all had to go to work on Thursday and Friday. With that in mind:

The host of the "Friendgiving" created a shared doc in which everyone was supposed to indicate exactly what they were cooking and bringing (host was making a turkey). People got super competitive in preparing elaborate dishes. The worst offenders here were the non-American expats from the UK or Australia or France: these people don't really know what American Thanksgiving looks like, so they were determined to go over the top in some kind of crazed culinary one-upsmanship. One of them put creme brulee on the doc, indicating that they would bring their own blowtorch, and another put mushroom-stuffed flank steak rolls with three-berry salsa.

At my house, the kitchen is being remodelled and I didn't have a proper place to cook anything. Plus, I get home at 6 pm. I told the host this. I volunteered to bring a giant green salad and prepare various dishes of cut fresh local tropical fruits. The host came to see me at work on Wednesday, furrowed her brow and said it would be nice if I could also make a cheese board, and could I just go to the luxury imports-foods grocery to get something to "whip together"? (We are in an Asian country where the locals don't really eat cheese, so the cheese available at the grocery. nearest to me is just a sad bag of shredded mozzerella. This means that, to create the cheese board the host wanted, I would need to pay about four times the price for fine cheeses at the one imports-foods grocery that has a real cheese selection). Keep in mind that the last time I attended a dinner at this host's house, a barbecue, I had prepared exactly what she suggested, painstakingly scrounging for expensive imported ingredients, and....nobody ate any of it. Nobody at any of the majority of what any other person brought, either, because there was just too much damn food, it's hot (since there is only one season here, which is high summer, and everyone wanted to just go in the host's condo's pool, which is what happens at every get-together anybody has).

Sure, I could go buy the expensive cheeses, but I am annoyed the green salad and multiple sliced fresh fruits presentations weren't enough. I would love to have those things as a diner myself: the tropical fruits here are abundant and amazing, and the perfect counterpart to the starchy, heavy Thanksgiving fare. But no. Host decreed this is not enough.

So I just said we can't come.

Am I petty and grinch-y? Sure. We probably won't go to the expat Christmas dinner either, for the same reasons.

But Thanksgiving was a peaceful, relaxed day on our house. Actually, we had no traditional Thanksgiving foods at all. And we didn't mention Thanksgiving.

The end, until Expat New Years (might go to that, as the behavior of expat Brit colleagues is just so entertaining, and the video footage that emerges from the event just doesn't do the actual performance justice).

No one has time to read this. Get an editor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My picky eating neurodivergent kid is wearing a shirt that says It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

-She doesn't eat turkey, beef, or ham.
-She doesn't like bread (or stuffing).
-She'll sometimes eat some mashed potatoes but it depends on how they 'feel' when she takes the first bite.
-We bring fresh string beans and roasted Brussels sprouts each year because she loves those. She won't touch MILs green bean casserole or corn casserole.
-This year we are also brining some crabcakes for her that FIL will sauté for her.
-She can eat an entire can of jellied cranberry sauce by herself. Her favorite way is to smear it on a tortilla with cream cheese and add shredded chicken.
-She hyperfixates on subjects and then info-dumps everything she's learned about that subject on anyone with an ear. Right now she's very interested in mushrooms. Does she eat mushrooms? No.
-She will only half pay attention to any game she's participating in and still somehow dominate it and win.
-If you or others around her are talking about a subject she doesn't find interesting, she will tune you out and start telling herself a story in her head. You'll know this is happening because she'll stare straight ahead and eventually start grinning. Which sounds terrible, but it loads better than when she would previously simply state "I don't find this line of conversation interesting" and either leave or start talking about something she wanted.

Your kid is my hero. - mom of younger ND kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this year but my worst example of being that family was discovering at the airport on the way to my SIL’s house for Thanksgiving that my son, who was about 6 or 7, was crawling with lice. (In my defense, I had been away for a couple weeks before that dealing with a parental health crisis, so no mom eyes had been on the child’s head for a little while; my husband had just missed it.) My SIL had a baby and a toddler with long thick lustrous hair. And she had not dealt with kid lice yet, so was not inured at all to the idea. We immediately started treatment and had my son wear a hat covering his whole head while inside their house and to my knowledge nobody else got it—but I was very aware of being a SIL who could turn up in one of these “can you believe it” threads.

It is diabolical that you still went on this visit, with a baby and toddler in the house you were visiting no less.

I had lice once as a kid, I had very long very thick hair and was so traumatized by the experience and how long it took to get rid of the lice due to aforementioned length and thickness that whenever I got the “lice email” from DC’s school I’d check them for the next three weeks. Thankfully escaped them ever getting lice but I’d be so upset if someone brought their infested kid to my house.

I had someone sort of do this on a family vacation and it sucked. Lice literally falling out of this child’s head level of infestation (I saw lice drop out of their head more than once as we were walking around or sitting at meals, I saw lice crawling on their parents/siblings shirts) and they didn’t start treatment for days because they would’ve had to have skipped the Disney portion of the trip. My skin crawls thinking about it.

Not to mention the people sitting in your seats on the plane’s next trip. You should have stayed home…

[Anonymous]

I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.