Wife and I have dramatically different opinions about how much financial help should be given to adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my kids dearly and will help in any way I possibly can. I am a parent for life, not just until my kids are 18. Regardless of their age, I still have wisdom and maturity over them. I wanted them and chose to have them. They didn’t choose to be born and don’t owe me anything.

I will help with all three if I can. I will also help with non-monetary things (like helping with grand children if I have them, making their lives easier where I can, that sort of thing).

Help that I have received as an adult has been so appreciated. Although it’s true my parents are not “obligated” to do anything, when I have been desperate and they turn a blind eye, it stings. I truly don’t understand to think you are “done” being a parent at some point,

And some of us truly don’t understand how some of you think “parenting” means giving your kids money.

I would argue that, in most cases, the best “parenting” is letting your kids learn how to sink or swim on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

Oh, princess. You sound like you are incredibly unintelligent. I assume you’ll have some big job in the Trump administration soon, and you’ll once again (mistakenly) equate wealth with hard work.

And FTR, YOU didn’t pay off your husband’s loans - your parents did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College only. If you can easily paying for grad look, then maybe.

This.

Once they’re married we ain’t paying for anything. 50/50 chance of divorce so there goes the wedding payments and down payment.

We’ll be busy spending down the inheritance, especially if they married wrong. Or need help in the back side of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of the above. Adults pay for themselves.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As much as I can afford and still be able to retire in comfort.

So it's not about grand (stupid) principles of whether kids should pay their own way. It's strictly about my own finances and what I can afford. I will always help my kids if I can. Thankfully my husband agrees with me.

Amazing how so many people act as if it's impossible to spoil adult children. Then you end up with people like Trump "succeeding" in life and have to deal with their petulant, emotionally underdeveloped personalities that directly result from them never having to earn anything.

Trump 2028!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As much as I can afford and still be able to retire in comfort.

So it's not about grand (stupid) principles of whether kids should pay their own way. It's strictly about my own finances and what I can afford. I will always help my kids if I can. Thankfully my husband agrees with me.

Amazing how so many people act as if it's impossible to spoil adult children. Then you end up with people like Trump "succeeding" in life and have to deal with their petulant, emotionally underdeveloped personalities that directly result from them never having to earn anything.

Way to go nuclear! If you pay for your kids grad school/down payment, they will end up like Trump!!

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to help your kids with those things without sacrificing your own retirement or savings, why not do it? Particularly college. This isn’t the 1970s/80s anymore, you can’t just work part time during the school year and full time over the summer and pay most if not all of your tuition bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

How will they learn to live within their means if you pay for college for grandkids? Every dollar for their college is one less dollar your kids have to pay…which they can then spend unwisely if they choose.

How will you 17 year old learn to live within their financial means if you may for their food and let them live in your house??? Pearl clutching!

Try again in English if possible.

[Anonymous]

Definitely 1, because I want my kids to go to the best college they can get into and I don’t want them focusing on cost or paying for it.

2 if it’s reasonable in context and I can afford it.

3 depends on the house, their financial situation, my financial situation, etc.

[Anonymous]

1) Should
2) No obligation but nice
3) Wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As much as I can afford and still be able to retire in comfort.

So it's not about grand (stupid) principles of whether kids should pay their own way. It's strictly about my own finances and what I can afford. I will always help my kids if I can. Thankfully my husband agrees with me.

Amazing how so many people act as if it's impossible to spoil adult children. Then you end up with people like Trump "succeeding" in life and have to deal with their petulant, emotionally underdeveloped personalities that directly result from them never having to earn anything.

Way to go nuclear! If you pay for your kids grad school/down payment, they will end up like Trump!!

Great job completely missing the point. The point is that you end up with a country full of people who will vote for Trump, because apparently the ideal president is someone who inherited a famous name and a shitload of money without having to work for it. The foundation of American values is now selfishness: divorce your wife and get a new young one whenever you want, grab em by the p****, say whatever you want whenever you want, do whatever you want. It's everyone for themselves at this point--zero national identity, zero concern about the future for kids/grandkids (because no one has any and the deficit is too big to fight now anyway).

But hey, at least you have you internet, Netflix, and your own shitty personality to live with. Surely that will replace community, faith, family values, etc., right?

[Anonymous]

A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

Most of my friends in DC had family help to buy their first home. Almost all my friends are highly driven and successful in their careers. There is no correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

Just because a lot of people do something doesn't mean it's advisable or correct. A lot of people are addicted to fentanyl.

And what about giving them a zero-interest loan instead? Also, they don't have to live in the DC area. The vast majority of America is affordable by comparison.

It's still amusing to me that people actually think you're letting a 25 year old adult child (with a graduate degree you paid for) get "left behind" if you don't drop 250k on a down payment for them. LOL. Talk about delusional