Wife and I have dramatically different opinions about how much financial help should be given to adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As much as I can afford and still be able to retire in comfort.

So it's not about grand (stupid) principles of whether kids should pay their own way. It's strictly about my own finances and what I can afford. I will always help my kids if I can. Thankfully my husband agrees with me.

Amazing how so many people act as if it's impossible to spoil adult children. Then you end up with people like Trump "succeeding" in life and have to deal with their petulant, emotionally underdeveloped personalities that directly result from them never having to earn anything.

PP you replied to. Everyone I know who can afford it has helped their children (or grandchildren). Do you think millions of people are spoiled as a result?
Do you think that these people who have been helped by family don't have jobs, or earn money for their own food and shelter?


You're rude and irrational.

DP but your response indicates how spoiled you are. You can’t handle even the slightest amount of criticism or pushback, no matter how abstract or gentle, without getting petulant and emotional (exactly as PP said).

Grow up.

(And to answer the bolded: yes.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

[Anonymous]

I love my kids dearly and will help in any way I possibly can. I am a parent for life, not just until my kids are 18. Regardless of their age, I still have wisdom and maturity over them. I wanted them and chose to have them. They didn’t choose to be born and don’t owe me anything.

I will help with all three if I can. I will also help with non-monetary things (like helping with grand children if I have them, making their lives easier where I can, that sort of thing).

Help that I have received as an adult has been so appreciated. Although it’s true my parents are not “obligated” to do anything, when I have been desperate and they turn a blind eye, it stings. I truly don’t understand to think you are “done” being a parent at some point,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paying for college. We’ll see if I can help with grad school. Unless I was independently wealthy I’d never pay for a home down payment - kids need to grow up sometime. That seems like helicopter parenting to me.

Never say never! I have siblings that are financially illiterate. When rates were 2% I forced them to buy houses and helped (with addl help from dad) with down payments because they didn’t have the money saved and available. I haven’t been asked for help with rent or security deposits ever since because the locked in mortgages are lower than rent 😎🙌🙌🙌.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all three and I 100% believe I would be a better person today if I had been forced to provide 2 and 3 for myself. Totally unsurprising that the suburban NPCs in this thread who are auto-piloting the path that was laid down for them don't view themselves as having been negatively affected in any way by receiving a shitload of money from their parents, but that reflects an inability to introspectively contemplate their own lives.

You were in no way negatively impacted. If you think you were that is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

+1. So many entitled adults running around expecting a lifestyle they can’t afford. From the sound of this thread, there will be even more in the future.

[Anonymous]

Op, unless you are facing these decisions immediately, your question is irrelevant. Financial circumstances can change, and that matters, changing people's goals/opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

Uh, what?

You think that 1-in-a-hundred-thousand probably fake story is available to everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As much as I can afford and still be able to retire in comfort.

So it's not about grand (stupid) principles of whether kids should pay their own way. It's strictly about my own finances and what I can afford. I will always help my kids if I can. Thankfully my husband agrees with me.

Amazing how so many people act as if it's impossible to spoil adult children. Then you end up with people like Trump "succeeding" in life and have to deal with their petulant, emotionally underdeveloped personalities that directly result from them never having to earn anything.

PP you replied to. Everyone I know who can afford it has helped their children (or grandchildren). Do you think millions of people are spoiled as a result?

Yes. I do. I think there are millions of entitled, spoiled adults in our country, and I think the negative consequences of this speak for themselves. If you can't see those consequences, that's your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all three and I 100% believe I would be a better person today if I had been forced to provide 2 and 3 for myself. Totally unsurprising that the suburban NPCs in this thread who are auto-piloting the path that was laid down for them don't view themselves as having been negatively affected in any way by receiving a shitload of money from their parents, but that reflects an inability to introspectively contemplate their own lives.

You were in no way negatively impacted. If you think you were that is on you.

100% wrong. Really incredible how this thread reveals the completely incorrect idea that adult children cannot be spoiled. Amazing how dumb you have to be to actually think this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

How will they learn to live within their means if you pay for college for grandkids? Every dollar for their college is one less dollar your kids have to pay…which they can then spend unwisely if they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

How will they learn to live within their means if you pay for college for grandkids? Every dollar for their college is one less dollar your kids have to pay…which they can then spend unwisely if they choose.

In our case we wouldn’t fully cover college for the grandkids. We might offer to add to their college funds but not at an amount our kids would be off the hook for saving. I know lots of people on here hate the concept of inheritances but I think for people other than the super wealthy, it helps adults learn to live within their own means as adults and not rely on their parents to maintain a better lifestyle than they can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

How will they learn to live within their means if you pay for college for grandkids? Every dollar for their college is one less dollar your kids have to pay…which they can then spend unwisely if they choose.

How will you 17 year old learn to live within their financial means if you may for their food and let them live in your house??? Pearl clutching!