Asian Parents Broke Me

[Anonymous]

This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

haha.. I tell my teens "wait till you have kids and see what happens. Kids don't come with a manual. What works for one kid, doesn't work for the other even though we tried to parent and treat you the same".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

Yes, parents want their kids to be successful, do well in school, good grades, college ect. And hopefully become successful adults, but you don't have to steal their childhoods for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

No, there is no "opening your mind" to abuse. Sure, I believe you love your parents but beating you with a belt should not have happened nor should you act like it's acceptable (then or now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

Yes, parents want their kids to be successful, do well in school, good grades, college ect. And hopefully become successful adults, but you don't have to steal their childhoods for that.

But many of these people only see one way of life as successful.

Someone started a thread on here a year or two ago asking how she could get her kids to be "resilient," but what she really meant was "how do I get them to grind out a corporate life the same way I did?" She couldn't fathom that her kids might choose teaching, art, or anything that wasn't a high-paying, "professional" job. She couldn't understand that owning a SFH in a suburb might not be her kids' dream one day. It was all, you do X, and then Y, and that's it.

This younger generation is a lot more skeptical of these narrow paths to a "happy" life.

[Anonymous]

This is an oft repeated scenario. I feel sorry for these kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

Yes, parents want their kids to be successful, do well in school, good grades, college ect. And hopefully become successful adults, but you don't have to steal their childhoods for that.

Please provide a link to the instruction manual entitled "How to raise successful children without stealing their childhood," and also a link to the one that provides the precise criteria for "stealing their childhood" versus "parenting." I would like to see that data.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

No, there is no "opening your mind" to abuse. Sure, I believe you love your parents but beating you with a belt should not have happened nor should you act like it's acceptable (then or now).

Not the PP - where did beating with a belt enter the chat? I missed that part. I thought we were just talking about classic tiger mom parenting, with a lot of pressure to excel academically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

I think you missed the point. He shared his experience with the art and piano classes to help viewers understand that he was never allowed to do something just for fun or to meet new friends with similar interests. Every single thing he did involved formal instruction and, most importantly, competitions. He was never allowed just to learn or develop new skills; he had to master everything he tried and then demonstrate that he was the best. It wasn’t enough to do well. He had to dominate the competition or feel like a disappointment to his parents. They sucked the joy out of everything — art, piano, school, even being successful. He was a puppet and they pulled the strings.

He admits that this kind of parenting often leads to high achievement and success, but he wants people to know that it doesn’t work for every child. It made him beyond stressed, to the point of physical illness. It prevented him from developing social skills through typical interactions with peers. He has no happy childhood memories. There’s no activity that he loves.

Boo hoo. I was afraid of pressuring my kid too much, and was careful not to do so. And yet, he still has no social skills, massive social anxiety, few friends, and no happy childhood memories that he can think of (he can't seem to remember any of the fun things we did, all the places I took him to, all the days we spent at the playground, all the millions of playdates and toys and parties). He's an OK student but has hardly any extracurriculars, since I let him quit band, orchestra, swim, piano, and everything else he didn't want to do. Now he's stressed about getting into college, and blames me for letting him quit. You can't win. Kids are who they are, and they need to stop blaming their parents and take some ownership of their own success. These kids who are whining about this stuff are old enough to make their own choices and their own success, and we've done our jobs as best we can. It's up to them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

No, there is no "opening your mind" to abuse. Sure, I believe you love your parents but beating you with a belt should not have happened nor should you act like it's acceptable (then or now).

So is spanking with a bare hand "acceptable"? Some people consider spanking to be beating, and others do not. What if this kid got spanked by his parents? He might think it is abuse. He might think it deserves the label of "beating." But others might think it so. Whatever it is... I am just saying that he should quit whining about it and choose to live a happy life. I chose to do so, despite being "beaten" by my parents occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

No, there is no "opening your mind" to abuse. Sure, I believe you love your parents but beating you with a belt should not have happened nor should you act like it's acceptable (then or now).

Not the PP - where did beating with a belt enter the chat? I missed that part. I thought we were just talking about classic tiger mom parenting, with a lot of pressure to excel academically.

The one we responded to said it was fine that she was beaten by the belt sometimes by her southern parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The belt wacko is nuts

Or perhaps I just have a different perspective than you. You should open your mind a little.

No, there is no "opening your mind" to abuse. Sure, I believe you love your parents but beating you with a belt should not have happened nor should you act like it's acceptable (then or now).

So is spanking with a bare hand "acceptable"? Some people consider spanking to be beating, and others do not. What if this kid got spanked by his parents? He might think it is abuse. He might think it deserves the label of "beating." But others might think it so. Whatever it is... I am just saying that he should quit whining about it and choose to live a happy life. I chose to do so, despite being "beaten" by my parents occasionally.

Did you even listen to what he said? CPS requiring the mother to stay away at a mental institution is more than an occasional spanking (though I don't agree with that form of parenting either).

[Anonymous]

It is very clear that A) very few people watch the entire video and B) people have no idea the extent of what these kids go through. We live in a very intense suburb of New York City, where the recent Chinese immigrant parents routinely beat their children, lock them outside in the cold, and withhold food from them. Yes, the perspective is that it is not as bad as what would happen if they were sent back to their home country so this is the price that needs to be paid for the freedom of living in America and getting a good job. But it is horrible and sad for these children and routinely once they graduate college they never speak to the parents again. Maybe that cost benefit analysis is done and the parents feel like they have saved them the hardship of having to grow up in communist China, but it is still sad, nevertheless especially when they look around to their friends and see them going to Disney World and having birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a thing young adults are all doing now - analyzing their childhoods with a focus on all the ways their parents were not perfect. They have no idea what it's like to try to raise children, and the choices we have to make. It's our job to make sure they have what they need to be successful, and there is no instruction manual to follow to make that happen. You did your best. You can certainly try to tweak your parenting to avoid putting so much pressure on the younger siblings, but you should not feel awful. Your kid went to an Ivy. Some of the rest of us are feeling awful because our kids can barely get into a state school.

Yes, parents want their kids to be successful, do well in school, good grades, college ect. And hopefully become successful adults, but you don't have to steal their childhoods for that.

Please provide a link to the instruction manual entitled "How to raise successful children without stealing their childhood," and also a link to the one that provides the precise criteria for "stealing their childhood" versus "parenting." I would like to see that data.

Your response (which you clearly think is clever) is actually a perfect example of the type of rigid personality that leads to stealing your kids’ childhoods.