Asian Parents Broke Me

[Anonymous]

I don't know how much more fake this can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your son send you that link last week when that video was only created two days ago?

This is OP. It was a mistake on my part. My son sent me this video last week that was posted three months ago by Alex Wei: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne4vdF3CFiE. He told me that was exactly how he felt upon graduation from the Ivy. He graduated from an elite college because that was what I wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. We had very little communication after he graduated from college. He sent me the video and told me that was how he felt about me, and hoped I would not repeat those same mistakes to his younger brothers.

I came to the US from Vietnam as an immigrant, and I wanted my kids to have what I did not have growing up. I sent him to the best sports camps, music training, and academic bootcamps that the best money could buy. I did those without considering how he felt about them.

I'm an Asian immigrant, though I came here as a baby, but my parents were low income.

While I am not a tiger mom to my kids, I do push them to take academics seriously insofar as they are able to get a good paying job that will enable them to be financially stable and independent. I've shared with my kids how much of a struggle my childhood and young adult life was being poor. They don't want to be poor. It really really sucks.

Again, while I'm not a tiger mom, my kids, yours, and this kid don't get that, more than likely, if you the parent had not immigrated to the US -- making sacrifices, like leaving family/friend, moving to a country where you probably don't speak the language (or well enough), having to deal with a completely different culture -- their lives in your home country would've been awful, too. Most of these Asian countries require you to push yourself even more academically to get that coveted spot in the top universities. They would've spent all hours in after school tutoring classes until like 11pm, starting from MS, if not ES.

We immigrant parents should not push our kids too hard, obviously, but our kids should understand the sacrifices that the parents made to give their kids a better life. I didn't make those sacrifices since I came here as a baby, but my parents did. They weren't tiger parents, either, but I know they made huge sacrifices for us.

I tell my kids that they should be appreciative of the sacrifices my parents made, without which, my life and my children's lives would've been that much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your son send you that link last week when that video was only created two days ago?

This is OP. It was a mistake on my part. My son sent me this video last week that was posted three months ago by Alex Wei: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne4vdF3CFiE. He told me that was exactly how he felt upon graduation from the Ivy. He graduated from an elite college because that was what I wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. We had very little communication after he graduated from college. He sent me the video and told me that was how he felt about me, and hoped I would not repeat those same mistakes to his younger brothers.

I came to the US from Vietnam as an immigrant, and I wanted my kids to have what I did not have growing up. I sent him to the best sports camps, music training, and academic bootcamps that the best money could buy. I did those without considering how he felt about them.

I'm an Asian immigrant, though I came here as a baby, but my parents were low income.

While I am not a tiger mom to my kids, I do push them to take academics seriously insofar as they are able to get a good paying job that will enable them to be financially stable and independent. I've shared with my kids how much of a struggle my childhood and young adult life was being poor. They don't want to be poor. It really really sucks.

Again, while I'm not a tiger mom, my kids, yours, and this kid don't get that, more than likely, if you the parent had not immigrated to the US -- making sacrifices, like leaving family/friend, moving to a country where you probably don't speak the language (or well enough), having to deal with a completely different culture -- their lives in your home country would've been awful, too. Most of these Asian countries require you to push yourself even more academically to get that coveted spot in the top universities. They would've spent all hours in after school tutoring classes until like 11pm, starting from MS, if not ES.

We immigrant parents should not push our kids too hard, obviously, but our kids should understand the sacrifices that the parents made to give their kids a better life. I didn't make those sacrifices since I came here as a baby, but my parents did. They weren't tiger parents, either, but I know they made huge sacrifices for us.

I tell my kids that they should be appreciative of the sacrifices my parents made, without which, my life and my children's lives would've been that much harder.

Asian American here. I do push my kids to do well academically and they do have perfect grades. Compared to their Asian counterparts in Asia, they have it easy. I’m not abusive. I make sure they do their homework and study for tests. It is typical and not just Asians. I think any responsible parent would do this. If my kids weren’t smart and couldn’t do the work, I would not push as hard. They are capable.

[Anonymous]

I'm an Eastern European immigrant. We also push our kids academically: the reason is that education is a way out of poverty. Sure, the kid can ridicule the idea that education gives you success, but he's never lived in any other country and has no idea how people live around the world. Living in the US in many ways provides a privileged life, which is why so many people from poor countries want to come here. He has no understanding at all how he wouldn't make it in China with a more than a billion people around him. I think the big issue here (I watched the video) was that the kid is not smart (he said he knows his IQ and it's above average), so he was pushed over his limit.

[Anonymous]

He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

[Anonymous]

Whether accurate or not, if he thinks this was his experience, that is the current reality you have to deal with. I'd say the encouraging thing is your son shared this with you and you have an open line of communication. Ask him what you can do NOW to support him find a path that brings him fulfillment and joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

I have high achieving kids. They are really good but don’t win the competitions or nationally ranked at anything. To get to that next level, these kids have to work extra hard. Sometimes I think I’m too hands off. My kids are happy, well adjusted kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

LOL, no. Putting a little kid in formal art classes because they like to draw is NOT normal behavior.

Piano classes need to be a balance between formal learning and not sucking the fun out if it. This isn’t hard to achieve but neither the kid’s parents nor his teacher seemed to consider this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

I have high achieving kids. They are really good but don’t win the competitions or nationally ranked at anything. To get to that next level, these kids have to work extra hard. Sometimes I think I’m too hands off. My kids are happy, well adjusted kids.

+1 DC now in college told me I should've pushed them harder. DC is a straight A student from a magnet program, high SAT score, now in college. They said they were too immature and lazy to find their own motivation to enter these competitions. They said they needed me to push them more. Too late now, of course.
My other kid doesn't want me to push them too hard. They are more like the kid in the video.


Can't win either way, people.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PP and wanted to add that a lot of this emphasis on education (which Americans don't understand) comes from a simple fact that most immigrants come from no generational wealth. Both I and DH came here with 1 suitcase. So there's no help from grandparents (and it's good if you don't have to help them), meaning there are no tuition money accounts set up or grandparents paying for grandkids anything. Hence good grades/winning competitions gives a chance to apply for merit scholarships. Tbh, I have told my kids not to saddle themselves with college debt and look for alternatives if it comes to that (including going back to home country, which is WAY more competitive, but free). So perhaps OP's son is disappointed with his Ivy degree and the effort it took him to get there, please don't beat yourself up needlessly. Ask him about the alternative: no college degree and job opportunities, or living in his grandparents village somewhere. Also, it seems "popular" to put down Asian mom academic standards. There are a lot of high achieving successful Asian kids out there, many in my own kids' high school. Sure, they gripe about doing math every day for 1 hour and I'm not requiring that of my kid, but they're also happy to win math competitions. So it's important to strike the balance between what your kid can do and what they cannot. Obviously you cannot make someone achieve by abusing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

LOL, no. Putting a little kid in formal art classes because they like to draw is NOT normal behavior.

Piano classes need to be a balance between formal learning and not sucking the fun out if it. This isn’t hard to achieve but neither the kid’s parents nor his teacher seemed to consider this at all.

I had my kid in art classes to develop that side of the brain, which we completely lack He did it for a few years and now can do basic drawings for school, which he sure could not before without help. Yes, piano is not fun for most -- I also did it as a kid and never played after. There is no balance in piano learning: you either know how to play or bang the keys aimlessly (which is not pleasant to listen to). Therefore I didn't force and instrument on my kids at all -- will probably hear about it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

LOL, no. Putting a little kid in formal art classes because they like to draw is NOT normal behavior.

Piano classes need to be a balance between formal learning and not sucking the fun out if it. This isn’t hard to achieve but neither the kid’s parents nor his teacher seemed to consider this at all.

I had my kid in art classes to develop that side of the brain, which we completely lack He did it for a few years and now can do basic drawings for school, which he sure could not before without help. Yes, piano is not fun for most -- I also did it as a kid and never played after. There is no balance in piano learning: you either know how to play or bang the keys aimlessly (which is not pleasant to listen to). Therefore I didn't force and instrument on my kids at all -- will probably hear about it later.

If your kids asks for art classes and you oblige, fantastic. If your kid shows you the awesome picture he just drew and the next thing he knows he’s being forced to spend his Saturday mornings in a classroom drawing pictures of hands or fruit or something, you’ve got a screw loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

LOL, no. Putting a little kid in formal art classes because they like to draw is NOT normal behavior.

Piano classes need to be a balance between formal learning and not sucking the fun out if it. This isn’t hard to achieve but neither the kid’s parents nor his teacher seemed to consider this at all.

I had my kid in art classes to develop that side of the brain, which we completely lack He did it for a few years and now can do basic drawings for school, which he sure could not before without help. Yes, piano is not fun for most -- I also did it as a kid and never played after. There is no balance in piano learning: you either know how to play or bang the keys aimlessly (which is not pleasant to listen to). Therefore I didn't force and instrument on my kids at all -- will probably hear about it later.

Again - LOL, no.

My daughter takes piano lessons. 1) It was at her request and 2) her teacher has her spend half of each lesson and her practice time working out of lesson books but spends the *other* half teaching her to play tunes that *she wants to play*. Music that would be years down the road if she was sticking to her formal level. And of course that would probably make her lose interest entirely.

She is happy to do the not so fun work part because she knows that she also gets to do the interesting fun part, too.

Balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If your kids asks for art classes and you oblige, fantastic. If your kid shows you the awesome picture he just drew and the next thing he knows he’s being forced to spend his Saturday mornings in a classroom drawing pictures of hands or fruit or something, you’ve got a screw loose.

Not sure if you have kids, but kids normally don't know "art classes" or "soccer training" or "church" or anything exists until they get introduced into it. I've never had my 3 yo ask me to take her to the children's museum or water park the first time either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t have started the video talking about the art and piano classes, they were weak examples. Thats normal parenting when you kids are interested in something. All the academic pressures and all free time being dedicated to getting ahead academically is messed up though.

LOL, no. Putting a little kid in formal art classes because they like to draw is NOT normal behavior.

Piano classes need to be a balance between formal learning and not sucking the fun out if it. This isn’t hard to achieve but neither the kid’s parents nor his teacher seemed to consider this at all.

I had my kid in art classes to develop that side of the brain, which we completely lack He did it for a few years and now can do basic drawings for school, which he sure could not before without help. Yes, piano is not fun for most -- I also did it as a kid and never played after. There is no balance in piano learning: you either know how to play or bang the keys aimlessly (which is not pleasant to listen to). Therefore I didn't force and instrument on my kids at all -- will probably hear about it later.

Again - LOL, no.

My daughter takes piano lessons. 1) It was at her request and 2) her teacher has her spend half of each lesson and her practice time working out of lesson books but spends the *other* half teaching her to play tunes that *she wants to play*. Music that would be years down the road if she was sticking to her formal level. And of course that would probably make her lose interest entirely.

She is happy to do the not so fun work part because she knows that she also gets to do the interesting fun part, too.

Balance.

Lol indeed. Wait until your DD is adult to see what she really thinks of this.