Dad in our friend group had a mental break and threatened to kill another child in the friend group, advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

This man is in an advanced state of paranoia, and he's in a very dangerous state of mind. This might be brought about by untreated bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and a host of other psychiatric disorders. Episodes can also be triggered or worsened by cannabis, alcohol or other drugs.

The wife is in great danger if she leaves her husband, and she puts the lives of her children at risk as well if she leaves without them.

I don't think many posters on this thread understand this. She will be the first to be shot if she counters him in any way, because he likely views her as "his property", and he will not accept remonstrations or "abandonment" from that quarter.

This is the classic scenario of a deeply paranoid male, and femicides the world over attest to the risk this mother faces.

So shame on all the posters criticizing this woman.

That being said, yes, it would be great if this man was diagnosed, treated with medication and then, when he's less of a danger to himself, if his wife could leave him (because he's never going to be well). But this is fraught. Most people who suffer from paranoid delusions refuse treatment, and it's practically impossible to get an involuntary psychiatric hold and forced medications.

So you can ask the woman closest to her, to have a talk with her about this options. Or you can make a coffee appointment with her to walk her through this: she would need to consult and attorney and a psychiatrist. But the reality is that she's stuck really badly and it will take monstrous effort on her part to get out with her girls safely.

What you can do is control your own life and that of your family.

I would persuade the other families to send some representatives to see the school Principal, and ask that this man be barred from the school grounds. That his photo be memorized by front desk staff and that security protocols be reinforced in terms of door locks and enforcing that no one holds the door open for anyone else. No exterior door can be left propped open, even when it's hot. Everyone needs to be buzzed in separately, and go to the office first. They need to practice mass shooter drills if they haven't already.

If the mother is not willing to persuade her husband to seek psychiatric help, and the school seems lax in enforcing security protocols, then I would consider changing schools. Historically, men like these tend not to show up at your single family home to shoot you. They go to schools and commit mass murder, or they murder-suicide their families at home. This means you can continue to live in your house, as long as your kids don't go to that school. I hope the people specifically named by him get a restraining order, but it won't stop a delusional person from shooting.

Best of luck navigating this. You're going to need it.

Thank you for all your thoughts. We did do the above with the school and they are taking it very seriously. He has been banned for campus and his picture has been circulated. Luckily our campus is closed and there is a gatehouse manned by a guard in order to get on (and the gates are closed when the school is closed so you can't drive on to the campus then). They also do practice shooter drills.

The family of the girl he mentioned is out of state but getting a restraining order when they get back tomorrow. Our understanding is that it will cover their whole family, so if he does show up at their bus stop (which they share with his kids) then they can call the police. Not that I want him to come there because that would be traumatic for that family, but maybe that would actually get him arrested or taking into custody.

I do fear what he'll do when he's served with the RO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that you like your neighborhood and house, but as long as he’s there, you can’t enjoy what you’ve always enjoyed about it anyway. You can’t send your kids out without worry. You can’t have parties all the time because you’ll be worried he’s going to show up and do something horrible.

Yeah - the mom doesn’t get a pass. You can’t turn off your cellphone when your kids are in danger and get any sympathy.

I was probably 99% tough love before this but all you posters have convinced me that the mom, while possibly /probably also a victim, cannot get a pass for any of this.

If she came to you seeking help would you do so? Or would you say I'm sorry I can't risk my family's safety, you're on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a third party? Isn't much you can do. Tell the potential victim to get a retraining order.
Stay far away from that dad. I would never trust them again. Wouldn't want them in my house, yard, etc.

I'm sorry this is happening.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what state you're in, but as others have said, I would use the collective strength and resources of the FOURTEEN families to at least understand what is needed for this man to get taken in by the police. Is his children fearing for their life not enough? What evidence is needed and do all of you have bits and pieces to eventually build a case?

My heart breaks for those three girls. I cant imagine. But as others have said, if I really thought my family was in danger and nothing could be done, I would move.

The police said they would need to hear directly from his children that they are fearing for their lives. People telling them that that's what the girls said to their mom via FaceTime (which she admitted at the time but has since walked back) and to the parents who rescued them isn't enough. I know they've been pulled by the guidance counselors at school this week but we have no way of knowing if they have told them the truth. I imagine they've spent their whole lives with him acting like this and are probably terrified to tell people anything in case it gets him in trouble/makes him mad. That's the double-edged sword with these people, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is real, it includes way too many details for a message board. These people could easily be identified from what you’ve shared.

Seriously OP. What the hell are you doing posting all this information. You called the cops and CPS now back off.

[Anonymous]

You should get a restraining order.

The family of the girl he threatened should too.

At a minimum they should keep the dad away from the bus stop, the school and parks. In all seriousness, I would consider moving over this.

[Anonymous]

All of you calling troll: I'm very glad none of you have had to deal with something like this in your (charmed) life, but unfortunately addiction, mental illness and easy access to guns is a reality for many Americans. I don't doubt OP's story for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you calling troll: I'm very glad none of you have had to deal with something like this in your (charmed) life, but unfortunately addiction, mental illness and easy access to guns is a reality for many Americans. I don't doubt OP's story for a second.

I fully agree, unfortunately. Can people please stop derailing the thread by calling troll. You have made your point, please be quiet now.

[Anonymous]

If this is real (and I doubt it), then by calling the authorities, your neighbors have done everything they can do.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at 15 families all being close friends with each other, all attending the same private school, which has multiple (!!!) bus stops in the same small neighborhood?

WTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a wild story. Why didn’t anybody call the cops when he was “ and the dad came to the door with a cocked gun in his hand, waving it around, and ranting that he was going to end it all, he had checked his life insurance policy”?

To answer your question, I could never get past that. I wouldn’t trust him or his wife. I feel bad for their children, but you have to think of your safety first. does he have any criminal records?

And according to the OP, the husband wrestled the gun out of his hands? I don't believe this really happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a wild story. Why didn’t anybody call the cops when he was “ and the dad came to the door with a cocked gun in his hand, waving it around, and ranting that he was going to end it all, he had checked his life insurance policy”?

To answer your question, I could never get past that. I wouldn’t trust him or his wife. I feel bad for their children, but you have to think of your safety first. does he have any criminal records?

And according to the OP, the husband wrestled the gun out of his hands? I don't believe this really happened.

OP never said wrestled, she said "The other dad was able to get the gun away from him and convince him to let the girls go". If you don't believe it happened why are you bothering to post and be wrong at that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at 15 families all being close friends with each other, all attending the same private school, which has multiple (!!!) bus stops in the same small neighborhood?

WTH.

We have our kids at a school like this that draws from a pretty contained but sprawling neighborhood centered around a swim club. Multiple bus stops and everyone knows everyone and is up in each other’s business. In our city this is common. People live in neighborhoods near established private schools that feel suburban but are still within the “bad” public district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drive your kids straight to school and pick them up every day. You were threatened by a gun owner and we all have seen this play out, you're reaction is normal

Agree. Stay away and stay out of it. Keep a distance from everyone in the group for the foreseeable future. Think about moving. If this family doesn't move, which they might, you may see a homicide in your neighborhood. You will have to think about whether you will want to be around these memories in the future. I would put your own interests before all these people, the 15 families, etc.

[Anonymous]

I can’t understand why a man who would text and send pictures of his gun on the counter is allowed to keep his gun? What state is this? That doesn’t have the ability to remove a gun from the home of someone who is making threats like this?