Dad in our friend group had a mental break and threatened to kill another child in the friend group, advice needed

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11/15/2024 08:35

Subject: Dad in our friend group had a mental break and threatened to kill another child in the friend group, advice needed

quote

Anonymous

I have started this post so many times and I kept erasing it because it was so fresh and raw this week that I wasn't even sure what kind of advice to ask for but I'm still floundering and would appreciate some insight from others. I'll try to make this long story short but I apologize in advance for the length. I will also say that we no longer live in the DC area so I am not concerned about any identifying information in this post.

We live in a neighborhood where there are about 15 families in our close friend group with kids ages 1-12 all of whom but the two youngest go to the same private school (the two families that have the young ones also have other kids who are school-aged). Our neighborhood has smaller lots and much common greenspace (also pool, gym, clubhouse, etc.), and we all live within five blocks of each other and can walk to anyone's house in 5 minutes and see each other out regularly. We do parties/get togethers as a large group a lot and kids are always in and out of each other's houses. The kids also all ride the bus together to and from school.

One of the dads in the group has always held some pretty intense political and other beliefs that are different from the rest of us (although one family is mildly in agreement with him on some issues). He will regularly go off on rants in person or via text (mostly on the dads' text chain) about various things and we usually just ignore him. He has always had a problematic relationship with alcohol and has many times been exceedingly drunk and out of control. Many parents in the group drink when we're together at functions but no one ever gets drunk or acts inappropriately except for him.

On Sunday afternoon, while texting about the W football game, he went off on another rant but this time it turned into threats to kill all of us who disagreed with him coupled with pictures of his loaded gun sitting on the kitchen counter. His wife was out of town for the weekend for a birthday party with college friends so he was home alone with his three daughters, ages 3, 6, and 9. He said we were all threats to him and he was going to take us out. One of the dads called the police and requested a wellness check. The police came but he refused to open the door and they said they couldn't do anything else. Around the same time his daughters FaceTimed their mom and said daddy was threatening to kill their friend and burn their house down with them in it. The mom called a mom in the neighborhood and asked her to go get her girls.

That mom and her husband went to the house to get the girls and the dad came to the door with a cocked gun in his hand, waving it around, and ranting that he was going to end it all, he had checked his life insurance policy and his wife would get the money, that he had been getting messages from Heaven that he was the light that was going to solve the world's problems, that he had been told we were all demons, etc. The other dad was able to get the gun away from him and convince him to let the girls go. Several hours later, in the middle of the night, the dad began calling and texting the family that had his girls saying they had kidnapped them and stolen his guns and he was going to kill them. They called the police again and this time he answered the door when they came. He said he wasn't a threat to himself or anyone else so they left.

Meanwhile, the mom who was out of town said she wasn't going to try to come back earlier from her trip (was planned to return Tuesday morning) and turned her phone off so she could get some sleep. When the family who had her children was calling her in the middle of the night it went straight to voicemail. Meanwhile, the children were traumatized and wouldn't stop crying and saying they couldn't go back to their house and were afraid of their dad. On Monday morning, the mom turned her phone back on and said the dad had slept and showered and was fine so they should return the girls to the house with him and she'd be home the next morning. The family didn't want to do so but was afraid of what would happen if they didn't so they sent the hysterical girls back to the house (this was after calling the cops again and confirming that they would not do anything further and that they had no legal right to keep the kids and could call CPS but it would be a slow process).

Mom came home Tuesday morning and acted like nothing happened. People have said that this kind of brushing it under the rug is common for trauma victims but we are all in shock. The family of the girl he threatened to kill (who is a classmate of his oldest daughter) has luckily been out of town this whole week and returns tomorrow. We have been driving our kids to school all week because the dad is usually the one who comes to the bus stop morning and afternoon (he works from home) and we didn't want ourselves or our children to be near him. The friend who took the kids is the only one who has been in contact with the mom, and she asked her to promise that the dad wouldn't be near any of the bus stops for the rest of the school year (she just started a job where she works from home). She agreed, but no one believes that she is actually going to take it seriously.

The school knows, the guidance counselors have been pulling the girls from class (per the reports of kids in their classes), and CPS was called both by a mom and by the school. We're pretty sure CPS showed up Tuesday night because there were multiple police cars outside their house that night. The family of the threatened child has sought legal advice. We had to tell our kids that this dad is no longer safe and their house is no longer a safe spot (they know which houses to go to in the event of an emergency and this used to be one). My kids love those three girls and are very upset that we're allowing them to stay in the house with their dad if he's not safe so we told them he wouldn't hurt his own kids but that we just need to give him space right now.

So I guess what I'm asking you all now is - how would you move forward with this? I feel terrible for those kids and I am angry with the mom's cavalier attitude about all of this but I understand that she has likely long been a victim of abuse and her response is one of trauma. However, I don't particularly trust her to take this as seriously as we all do because she's clearly heard these kind of threats from him for years. But he threatened to kill another child, a nine-year old, in our friend group, and I honestly don't know how to ever get over that. Am I being dramatic? What would you want to see happen before you would be willing to be near him again? Could you ever move past this?