POLL: Is boarding school on the table for your rising 8th grader?

[Anonymous]

I recommend thatcher boarding school. They also offer financial aid but it is likely that your parents would need to make a contribution. with regards to the deadline, There might be openings after the regular admissions cycle, but there might not be any financial aid left. If you wait until 9th grade, I think you will have more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend thatcher boarding school. They also offer financial aid but it is likely that your parents would need to make a contribution. with regards to the deadline, There might be openings after the regular admissions cycle, but there might not be any financial aid left. If you wait until 9th grade, I think you will have more options.

FYI, for Google purposes: it is spelled "Thacher" with no second 't'

[Anonymous]

Groton starts at eighth grade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why do you think you know better?

yes there are other ways to stimulate a child, but maybe resources are limited. the top schools provide a FREE ride for those with low incomes. maybe a big family with lots of siblings is unable to be involved at the competetive level that one kid desires. Don't get on some high horse that there are other ways without acknowledging that this could be ONE way.

and you are wrong about sports. No one is saying that sports are MORE important than spending formative, impressionable years with parents/family.

You think boarding schools are about shipping your kid off because you don't want to parent them anymore or because you don't have time for them or because you don't care enough. You have no idea. Have you visited any of the top schools (within the last few years, not some 20 year old anecdotal info)? It may not be for you, then answer the question for the OP (you did that) and move on without thinking that somehow you are better because you had a loving caring family because your parents saw you every night and every morning and everyone hung out at your house and no one ever drank, did drugs or had premarital sex either. Families come in all shapes and sizes and just because a kid is at BS doesn't mean they are not part of a loving family. Nor that you don't know their friends.

Do you have any idea as to the parental contact? Why can't you accept that FOR SOME KIDS this may be a great thing to be around friends and have greater balance in their lives than spending all the time driving around to extracurriculars. Everything is right there, including courses at a presitgious college if they exhaust the advanced curriculum at boarding school. Our child WANTED to go, we did not want them to go. But we did not want to deny them this opportunity, because it is indeed an unbelievable one. And this is coming from an involved, loving family who was at a Big 3 and happy. Our other children are still there and happy. But this one wanted this, and we let them go.

Sorry, I simply dont buy it. I cannot believe that for any child that comes from a loving and supportive family, there is any better place for him/her to be during the teenage years that with his family. No matter how amazing the school is, nothing can substitute for time with parents (and siblings, if there are any).

I went to a private school and a top-tier university that had many boarding school students and none of the boarding school students were particularly close with their parents. They spoke to them on occassion and didnt care to go home for holidays. The primary influence in your teenager's life should be you and that just cant happen if you arent there.

I completely agree with this poster. I just wish someone would admit that a strong appeal to Mom and Dad is that they get to have their Tuesday night cocktails, kid-free.

[Anonymous]

We don't have Tuesday nt cocktails with or without our now boarding child. Seriously. Our child communicates with us and we all love each other deeply. We are loving parents and close with our child. They are close with our other children. We skype, we video chat, we text, we email, we call, we see each other every few weeks for quality time. Can you try to understand that it might work for some families? We have a fiercely independent child who some might say is genius level academic and plays a sport which is just not as good here in DC. They are happy away at school. They love it. They have awesome friends from around the world and have brought some here to visit even. We are part of a community there and are known to the teachers, faculty, staff and other parents, no differently than the school here for our other kids. We can go anytime and we do. Parents weekend was a blast. Our child has been to DC this month, and will be back in 3 weeks. We all look forward to seeing each other and I think your anecdotal information from your college experience is out of date. Boarding school isn't for rich kids whose parents don't care about them. No one says you have to send yours there, but seriously don't diss the idea if you haven't been to a top tier boarding school in the past decade.

[Anonymous]

I think you have your priorities out of whack if sports even enter into the equation. You act as if you've exhausted the resources here for your child. The most important resource for your kids' development should be their family, not proximity to the sports your kid likes or college classes. What sport is not played in DC? They're all played here. Unless your child is headed for the Olympics (in which case I understand you may need to become the family that moves to the kids' sports training center location), why on earth is having a certain sport more accessible even a consideration? Play a different sport if you're in the car all the time. How did the sport become so GD important in the equation?

[Anonymous]

I'm insanely in love with my children and would miss them terribly, but would definitely consider boarding when they are old enough if I didn't feel great about their options here. In my case it's a concern about lack of progressive high school options in the area: we would perhaps look at Putney and Northfield Mt Hermon when the time comes. But it would definitely be entirely driven by their needs and preferences. (Though speaking as a single parent who has had to more or less abandon a career that I loved but that required a lot of travel, don't be too harsh on those of us who sometimes wish we had a few more free evenings or weeks).

[Anonymous]

23:37 obviously does not have a kid who fences or plays hockey or sails competitively. Sports does enter the equation but it doesn't mean decisions are made based on sports. Just like a good music program would make you consider a school or not consider a school. It is part of the equation not the end all. And just because your child may be a few hours a way at school foes not mean you are not their family or their "most important resource." Boarding school does not mean selling your kid into slavery or military school. We go there, they come home --we feel like we see them as much as most parents of teenagers see their child with the big difference that they WANT to see us! You don't have to be headed to the Olympics to want to continue to play a sport you love in college. And there are some sports where your chances of getting to play in college or vastly increased by being at a prep school.

And I love how 23:37 said play a different sport of you're in the car all the time. Yeah easy for you to say honey. You stop your kid from doing something they love and are world class at because "you're in the car all the time." Ours did not want to find a different sport, just the opposite -- ours wanted to do more, which they now can do at a place that provides all those opportunities.

[Anonymous]

13:09, I am also considering boarding school for our son (who is in 7th grade now). I am curious about the sibling dynamics with boarding school. My son is best friends with his brother (a year younger), and I wonder whether there were any issues of separation for your children after the first went to boarding school. Also, are you considering boarding for any of your other children? I am wondering whether I should be looking for a school which will be right for all three of my children, since inevitably if one went to boarding, I would want them to be together. But maybe that wasn't the consideration for you, in which case can you tell me how your children coped with the loss of one of the family members? TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:37 obviously does not have a kid who fences or plays hockey or sails competitively. Sports does enter the equation but it doesn't mean decisions are made based on sports.

You really shouldn't include fencing in this list. It is possible to stay in the area and get quality training. The top-ranked under-20 fencer in the united states actually attends a local independent school. She's a senior and is a member of the chevy chase fencing club

[Anonymous]

Apart from some of the inevitable sniping, this has been a really interesting thread. My kids aren't old enough for me to worry about whether boarding school should be on the table for them, but I do at least still remember high school, and I've been thinking about my experience there in light of this thread.

My parents split just before I started high school, with my mom staying in the house where we'd been for years and my dad moving to another city about 90 minutes away. I stayed with my mom and spent every other weekend (give or take) with my dad. My high school memories are 95%+ (maybe 98%+) about my friends and the social situations we shared -- school, sports, parties, etc. Of the few memories I have that involve my parents in any meaningful way, my "dad memories" outnumber my "mom memories." And my "mom memories" are mostly about fights that we had, whereas my "dad memories" are mostly about fun experiences that we shared. At the same time, I really didn't talk to my mom about anything, but I remember discussing alcohol, drugs, and sex with my dad. (FWIW, I now have quite a strong relationship with each parent.)

Assuming I'm not an outlier (and I'd be curious to hear if I am!), I can totally get how a parent's time with a child could be both more enjoyable and more useful (if not more plentiful) for having the child at boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Our child (now at boarding school) told us the relationship with siblings would deepen as they would value each other. So there is a little truth in that as the one away doesn't fight with anyone (except when home!) and they all video chat and enjoy each other. They actually ask about each other's days and such. The next one in line has NO desire to go to boarding school. They have a different personality and are just not as independent and not motivated in the same way. The third one in line is too young to know anything for sure so who knows (I think anything more than 2 years out is too young -- 6th/7th grade is about the earliest when a kid might think about the possibilities but mine didn't until 8th actually).

We are also focused on making sure we create family memories together -- summer vacation and also going up to visit our boarder, Thanksgiving at home (we are hosting a friend of theirs this year), etc. Some things are hard as the boarder inevitably misses some things (like halloween tonight though they had a dance at the school last night and it was supposedly lots of fun, and not like they would have gone trick or treating with younger siblings anyway).

I worried a lot about the issue of the siblings, but so far so good. The first few weeks last year were hardest, but it really has worked out well, as I make sure they have sibling to sibling time, and solo video chats. We all talk almost every day actually.

[Anonymous]

I believe that boarding school doesn't change the basic nature of a child's relationship with their parents, for better or worse. That said, everyone in my family that went to boarding school has a pretty lousy (horrible in one case) relationship with their parents. In all of these cases, boarding school was a symptom, not a cause. I do believe that there are bright, motivated kids who want to go to boarding school for the experience, or because its a family tradition, and not primarily to get away from their parents (or because their parents don't want them around). But the fact is that there are a fair number of kids there who are there because there was something amiss at home.

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of cousins (brothers) who went to boarding school (starting in 10th and 11th, I think). Each now has a fabulous relationship with his parents (and pretty much always did, I think). They probably fall into the "go for the experience" bucket.

We also have family friends in London with two kids in boarding school now who likely fall into the "family tradition" bucket. We spent some time with them this summer during one of the kids' breaks and I was literally stunned at how much the two teenagers (a 15-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl, both of whom had just finished up their second year in boarding school) seemed to be enjoying the time with their parents and each other.

I think those are the only boarders I know at all well -- obviously too small a sample for any meaningful conclusions, but I personally won't reject boarding school out of hand when my DCs are old enough for it to be an option.

Anonymous wrote:I believe that boarding school doesn't change the basic nature of a child's relationship with their parents, for better or worse. That said, everyone in my family that went to boarding school has a pretty lousy (horrible in one case) relationship with their parents. In all of these cases, boarding school was a symptom, not a cause. I do believe that there are bright, motivated kids who want to go to boarding school for the experience, or because its a family tradition, and not primarily to get away from their parents (or because their parents don't want them around). But the fact is that there are a fair number of kids there who are there because there was something amiss at home.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP that Boarding school will not change the fundamental relationship in most cases, however disagree strongly that something is amiss at home with kids at the top boarding schools. You can't get in to these places anymore -- most have lower than a 20% acceptance rate with everyone applying with stellar stats (ie straight As and 99% on SSATs), honors classes, sports stars, community service galore etc. The parents have to write essays, and during the interview process a lot of attention is paid to WHY boarding school. The admissions people really probe this area as they do not want (a) kids who do not want to be there and (b) kids who won't succeed (ie do drugs etc). I think this is something that has changed over time with the record number of applicants, the free tuition for those in need and greater diversity as well as the one strike and you are out policies.

Now having said that, there are schools which do take troubled kids or where parents can "park" their kids if they want/need them to send them away. There are schools which will take kids in the middle of the year or after the admissions season for kids thrown out of their local independent school. And not saying these schools are not good ones or do not have strong academic reputations. Just saying that at schools like Exeter, Andover, Deerfield, Hotchkiss, Choate, St. Pauls, Groton, Lawrenceville, Middlesex, Milton and probably a few more of the top tier schools -- you will see for the most part kids from stable homes that want to be there.