POLL: Is boarding school on the table for your rising 8th grader?

[Anonymous]

DS is about to start his final year at a K-8 school (which we've all loved). We've visited and examined all the usual suspect area high schools in some detail, and DS pretty much has his application list set. Boarding school is not currently on DS's radar screen. DH, though, has suggested that we tour a couple in the region (Lawrenceville and Peddie were his examples) and let DS know that boarding school (and not just those in the region) is on the table if DS is interested. No pushing (and no dissuasion), just, "Here's another option that you might not have considered; we can explore it in more depth if you think it might be something you want."

I can absolutely see the merit in DH's suggestion. At the same time, I'd be very sad (for myself) if DS chose to go to boarding school (especially somewhere far away). But if it would be something that DS would really want and love (and it might be), I'd feel horrible keeping it "hidden" from him.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Go visit a couple and see what you think. Maybe start with a local school like Episcopal just to get a feel for it. My dd is a day student at a local boarding school. The boarding girls there seem to be very happy.

By the time they get to HS, especially the later years, you aren't seeing that much of them anyway so boarding school may not be quite the shock you think it is. Plus boarding schools tend to have long breaks/vacations (week for Thanksgiving, 2 weeks for spring break, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Wow, no -- not a chance. Then again, that would be my DC's reaction if we offered. Followed quickly by "is something wrong? Or are you trying to get rid of me?" asked in a tone that aimed for joking and just missed....

I get boarding school when local options suck or when there are family dynamics that argue for it, but I just don't see the appeal when neither of those factors is in play.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Yes, dd leaving in two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Maybe to pursue ice hockey or squash, if either of those sports are a passion when it is time to think about high school, but otherwise no.

[Anonymous]

While my story is a little bit different, perhaps it can be at least somewhat illuminating. When I was already in high school, I had the opportunity to attend a boarding school in Europe for my last years of high school. While my home life was perfectly pleasant, I actively sought this school out and spearheaded the application process with the support of my mother, but without her pushing in any way. It turns out to have been one of the most transformative periods of my life. Despite the structured environment, this time away from home helped me to develop a very strong sense of independence and self-reliance that would have been much more difficult to develop at home. By the time I returned to the U.S. to attend college, I was miles ahead of my classmates in terms of being mature enough to handle the "temptations" of college dorm life. This meant that I had much less readjustment to make, and could thus spend that time and energy on my studies.

There is one caveat to this though. As I joined this boarding school as an upperclassman, I did not have to go through the hazing rituals that the younger kids had to go through. While none of them were dangerous, they could be tough (push ups in the common room in the middle of the night, etc). I'm sure any boarding schools these days have anti-hazing rules, but when you have a dorm full of adolescent boys they're almost inevitable to some extent. Whether or not potential hazing will hinder or help your DS's development (emotional or academic) is entirely up to him, but I mention it simply as something to consider.

[Anonymous]

My child is a rising 10th grader so we're not looking but I wish we had, he was not interested and we never visited a school. Boarding is not for everyone but for those families and students who go that route it sounds fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Mine has been there a year after a big 3 here in DC and LOVES it. The best decision IMHO is to go and look and have it as an option. It is not for everyone.

Mine was lucky enough to have a choice between several top schools -- and for the OP -- I would not in our case let the decision be about geography as we were initially gravitating towards those in the 3 hour range (esp lawrenceville) but we ended up in New England.

I cannot say enough good things about the choice, though it was not my idea. The first month I cried a lot. Texting and skype help, and there are LOTS of breaks, and we went there to visit and watch games too. These schools are incredibly impressive, the faculty, the facilities and the kids around you. It is truly the best and brightest. Some of the accomplshments of our child's classmates are eye popping. We love the Harkness method of teaching, 12 kids around a table discussing the reading and leading the class themselves over some rote teacher at the front of a regular classroom lecturing. Lots of offerings and the chance to take hugely advanced classes. Mine will be in an AP class this year as a sophomore for example. Sports and arts and clubs are absolutely awesome too.

People ask all the time, what did your child do wrong that you sent them off? They have no idea that boarding schools are not like that anymore.

There is usually a reception in October of the Ten Schools Association (not all but many of the top schools). You should go as you can learn a lot from being there, with a relatively low investment.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine my husband ever agreeing to it. Not because of cost, but he would be heartbroken if DCs left home at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely! For the right child, boarding school is great. We will give all of our children boarding school as an equal option for 8th grade and they have legacy status at some really great ones. I begged to be allowed to go to boarding school. I knew it would be a good experience for me. My mother cried every time I brought it up. She couldn't bear to let me go. I wish it had been about me and not about her.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a crappy public school and would have given anything to get sent to boarding school. However, I taught at a New England boarding school 20 years ago (not one of the "elite" ones), and based on my experience there (which admittedly may have been atypical), I would never send my kids to boarding school. Few of the kids there seemed mature enough to live without parental supervision. I think the teen years are so critical to a young person's formation -- why would you relinquish your opportunity to continue to guide your son when he is only 13 or 14, particularly when there are many fine public and private options in this area? Who do you want him to talk to when he has problems -- you, or his equally immature 13 year old roommate? For an unusually mature child whose needs cannot be met with the available options, perhaps it should be considered, but I'd look very carefully at the kind of people who choose the schools you look at and why their kids are there. At the school where I taught, a lot of the kids appeared to be from very wealthy families who just couldn't be bothered with them. I had a 13 year old advisee who tried to kill himself because he was taunted about being gay by other kids in the dorm -- head stuffed in the toilet, etc. The 20 something male coach/teachers snickered when the boy's withdrawal from the school was announced at a faculty meeting. I had trouble reaching his parents to because they were always traveling. I thought it was so sad.

[Anonymous]

http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/articles/57 -- While this essay may be a bit over the top, it makes a number of points in favor of boarding school that I'd never considered but that resonate with me. (I'm years away from having to seriously consider this question for my DS, but have wandered around a little online today after seeing this chain.)

[Anonymous]

I used to BEG my parents to send me to boarding school . . . no such luck!! My FIL went to the Hill School in PA and loved it. I think it was a boys school at the time, but is now coed. He is still in touch with many of his Hill School friends and goes to reunions all the time. Went on to do his bachelors at Princeton and masters at Cornell.

[Anonymous]

Honestly that essay reminds me of the NYC law partner who pitched DH on his firm by claiming that not seeing your kid regularly really gave you much better perspective on childhood -- it made all the transitions so much sharper and more impressive than they would be if you slogged through the day-to-day.