DH having affair but not home yet from “work”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

He has a generally usual schedule, which occasionally includes a later shift, but not always. It’s usually on one specific day and he has held to that, but the actual time seems to flex. Like I would expect him home around midnight based on what his shift “should” be, but he is coming home at 2-4am.

In the spirit of 180 and dropping the drama in the house, I have stopped asking for his schedule as it always ends in an argument or him being nasty to me. I just always assume I am taking care of kid. It’s easier on me and I love hanging with her anyway. he always seems to be “working”, even on his days off.

So he came home in the morning way after 4 am and you just… said nothing?

I think that’s beyond the 180.

How so? Isn’t the point to not beg, question, engage, etc. I knew he’d be home late, it’s in his hands how late. If I ask, I’m crazy because *of course* he was at work and I can’t say or prove otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

He has a generally usual schedule, which occasionally includes a later shift, but not always. It’s usually on one specific day and he has held to that, but the actual time seems to flex. Like I would expect him home around midnight based on what his shift “should” be, but he is coming home at 2-4am.

In the spirit of 180 and dropping the drama in the house, I have stopped asking for his schedule as it always ends in an argument or him being nasty to me. I just always assume I am taking care of kid. It’s easier on me and I love hanging with her anyway. he always seems to be “working”, even on his days off.

So he came home in the morning way after 4 am and you just… said nothing?

I think that’s beyond the 180.

How so? Isn’t the point to not beg, question, engage, etc. I knew he’d be home late, it’s in his hands how late. If I ask, I’m crazy because *of course* he was at work and I can’t say or prove otherwise.

I don’t know, it’s definitely time to engage with a divorce lawyer. Like when in the world are this guys’s working hours. I hope he makes a lot of money op because your sticking around doesn’t make sense otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

I’d let him know and make it clear you don’t care if he’s bleeding out on the side of the road.

Lawyer up.

Lawyering up is a good way to spend money you would otherwise keep in a divorce. If you want to divorce, start the process based on separation, 50/50 of everything and nothing to fight over and keep your money. "Lawyering up" is rarely advisable.

Only if you trust the other not to steal the assets and hire a lawyer, leaving you with no assets to get one yourself (or live on).

This. What I spent in legal fees I more than made up for in the settlement. I also needed a forensic accountant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the 180?

Originally a Mormon TikTok/momblog fad with about 100 rules on how to make your husband chase you to win you back and save your marriage after he chested.

Now it just means anything that gives the wife Girl Power vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the 180?

Originally a Mormon TikTok/momblog fad with about 100 rules on how to make your husband chase you to win you back and save your marriage after he chested.

Now it just means anything that gives the wife Girl Power vibes.

OP here - I’m no Mormon or trad wife type, but I like the basic idea behind many of the “rules” in the 180, from the standpoint that it does support not engaging in drama and moving on for myself. I don’t think it will bring him back in any capacity - but it will help me get my wits back about me and just care less about what he’s doing. I can either sit here and feel crazy, or sit here and figure out how to move on, even if that means pretending for a while that I’m okay. Fake it to make it, right?

At the moment if feels good to have a set of rules to follow simply so I can survive the day and not feed into any more of the emotional chaos I’d really like to.

I would like my old life back, yes, but the reality is that life is gone, even if we end up together in the end. But that’s also out of my hands right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

DP
Keep the child out of this.

Too late he decided to do something to them they will now know.

Be mature about this and don’t let the child part of unnecessary stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the 180?

Originally a Mormon TikTok/momblog fad with about 100 rules on how to make your husband chase you to win you back and save your marriage after he chested.

Now it just means anything that gives the wife Girl Power vibes.

OP here - I’m no Mormon or trad wife type, but I like the basic idea behind many of the “rules” in the 180, from the standpoint that it does support not engaging in drama and moving on for myself. I don’t think it will bring him back in any capacity - but it will help me get my wits back about me and just care less about what he’s doing. I can either sit here and feel crazy, or sit here and figure out how to move on, even if that means pretending for a while that I’m okay. Fake it to make it, right?

At the moment if feels good to have a set of rules to follow simply so I can survive the day and not feed into any more of the emotional chaos I’d really like to.

I would like my old life back, yes, but the reality is that life is gone, even if we end up together in the end. But that’s also out of my hands right now.

That IS what is is though. You might be using it differently, but that pp asked what it was, a pp answered with factual information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Ugh. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the 180?

Originally a Mormon TikTok/momblog fad with about 100 rules on how to make your husband chase you to win you back and save your marriage after he chested.

Now it just means anything that gives the wife Girl Power vibes.

OP here - I’m no Mormon or trad wife type, but I like the basic idea behind many of the “rules” in the 180, from the standpoint that it does support not engaging in drama and moving on for myself. I don’t think it will bring him back in any capacity - but it will help me get my wits back about me and just care less about what he’s doing. I can either sit here and feel crazy, or sit here and figure out how to move on, even if that means pretending for a while that I’m okay. Fake it to make it, right?

At the moment if feels good to have a set of rules to follow simply so I can survive the day and not feed into any more of the emotional chaos I’d really like to.

I would like my old life back, yes, but the reality is that life is gone, even if we end up together in the end. But that’s also out of my hands right now.

That IS what is is though. You might be using it differently, but that pp asked what it was, a pp answered with factual information.

Yes, you’re right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really worried about him? He is actually worth more to you dead than alive.

Well, it depends on how much alimony she can get and for how many years vs the insurance payput (if they even have life insurance; not everyone does.)

Judges don't award alimony anymore, like ever (that is, unless the couple is extremely wealthy).

Alimony went away with the likes of Falcon Crest and Dynasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the 180?

Originally a Mormon TikTok/momblog fad with about 100 rules on how to make your husband chase you to win you back and save your marriage after he chested.

Now it just means anything that gives the wife Girl Power vibes.

It’s been around way before TikTok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

You guys don't have Life 360 on your phones?

I don't know a single person that doesn't have Life 360 in 2024, especially since it's free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

You guys don't have Life 360 on your phones?

I don't know a single person that doesn't have Life 360 in 2024, especially since it's free.

NP. We don't. Does that mean my spouse is cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

But it is not his choice. If you divorce, it is YOUR choice. Many people stay married. Most do.

This is the biggest crock of sh** I've read on here. Cheating is breaking a covenant. The remedy for breaking a contractual covenant is termination, and in my opinion, the remedy should also include damages, which can be addressed in a prenup. The non-defaulting party doesn't have "blame" in this situation. The person who intentionally broke a covenant bears 100% of the responsibility for the fallout.

When my ex wife cheated she was shocked that I filed for divorce. She broke down crying saying she loves me couples go through issues and work without and I started laughing. I am now richer, happier and healthier..her on the other hand not only she is alone but once the kids went to college they forgot she even exists.

Do not take back a cheater. Cheaters are deficient scums..And since this forum is full of them cheaters have a safe space here to excuse their behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really worried about him? He is actually worth more to you dead than alive.

Well, it depends on how much alimony she can get and for how many years vs the insurance payput (if they even have life insurance; not everyone does.)

Judges don't award alimony anymore, like ever (that is, unless the couple is extremely wealthy).

Alimony went away with the likes of Falcon Crest and Dynasty.

This isn’t true. OP start talking to lawyers. Yes you should be calm and not let on to DH what is happening, but you need to be secretly gathering/documenting information and making an exit plan.