DH having affair but not home yet from “work”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

OP what’s your plan here?

I don’t have one. Right now it’s to just work, take care of my child, and try to make it through the day enough to want to stay alive and figure out what the hell to do. Isn’t that enough?

It is. One foot in front of the other. In cheering for you. I hope you find more courage and guts than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

I'm not an expert, but shouldn't you be working on emotionally detaching while you "do the 180"? You're using this time to plan your next steps, but you're not planning them from a place of logic or calm. You're reacting just as angrily as if you'd gotten into a screaming match with him the moment you found out.

Sorry your husband is a dbag. Seriously. But if you truly believe that this affair means he's choosing another family over your daughter, then YOU have to choose to put your daughter first, because she deserves one parent who will. And putting her first means protecting her from being in the middle of her parents' worst moments, making this transition as calm and smooth as possible, and showing her a mom who handles adversity with strength and grace. Good luck.

Gaslighting a child is dangerous.

She will know dad is a POS, dad will need to either stop being a POS and put his daughter 1st or continue being a POS.

Yes. “Daddy prefers his lover and has hours of sex with her instead of being home to read to you” is probably age appropriate. Why hide, bring on the healthy dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

I'm not an expert, but shouldn't you be working on emotionally detaching while you "do the 180"? You're using this time to plan your next steps, but you're not planning them from a place of logic or calm. You're reacting just as angrily as if you'd gotten into a screaming match with him the moment you found out.

Sorry your husband is a dbag. Seriously. But if you truly believe that this affair means he's choosing another family over your daughter, then YOU have to choose to put your daughter first, because she deserves one parent who will. And putting her first means protecting her from being in the middle of her parents' worst moments, making this transition as calm and smooth as possible, and showing her a mom who handles adversity with strength and grace. Good luck.

Gaslighting a child is dangerous.

She will know dad is a POS, dad will need to either stop being a POS and put his daughter 1st or continue being a POS.

Yes. “Daddy prefers his lover and has hours of sex with her instead of being home to read to you” is probably age appropriate. Why hide, bring on the healthy dynamics.

So figure out daddy wasn’t at work and she’ll be thankful. She doesn’t have two lying piece of s**t parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

I’m
Pretty sure she must know about me. My worst fear is that she turns up pregnant.

Why? If you are going to divorce him, do you really care how his life is going to be?

I know this is very hard for you to understand, but some people do care about their children and if he’s gonna have babies all over the country, it’s gonna take away from her own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're choosing to keep from him the fact you know about the affair--and that's a smart thing to do while you're consulting with attorneys, gathering whatever documents and info you need, and ensuring he can't drain accounts, etc. But in the meantime, are you and he still having sex? If so, I'd develop a "female problem" to avoid sex. And I'd get an STI test immediately. To be blunt, when a spouse is a cheater, it means the cheated-on spouse is effectively exposed to not only the AP but to anyone else the AP has had sex with. I know someone who caught an STI from her cheating DH, which he eventually admitted he'd caught fron the AP...or maybe from a work trip one night stand. Horndogs are going to think they're invincible....

Who knows how many other people both the AP and the cheating DH have been with? Protect yourself, and ensure your kid has a healthy mom, by getting tested an

Sex isn’t a problem. We were geographically separate for many months, which I suspect is when he met AP. I’ve since moved to where he is but he’s never home.

That's good, if you can avoid having sex with him, but you still need to test for STIs. Don't wait. You cannot know who else he's screwed, or how many people the AP has been with. I know DCUM generaly waves away concern about STIs but please learn from my friend's experience -- better to know early and start treatment early, or know that you are clear and can just move forward, than to find out when symptoms start. Your kid deserves a healthy mom who can focus on getting divorced and making a better life for both mom and kid.

[Anonymous]

OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

I’m
Pretty sure she must know about me. My worst fear is that she turns up pregnant.

Why? If you are going to divorce him, do you really care how his life is going to be?

I know this is very hard for you to understand, but some people do care about their children and if he’s gonna have babies all over the country, it’s gonna take away from her own child.

Not to mention that some men abandon first families - including children - with surprising ease and with the weird "I don't love your mother any more, so ... I don't need my kids and won't provide for them" vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

No it isn’t. It’s even legal to key your own car. They are married it’s her car too.

Yes, adultery is illegal in Virginia, and is considered a Class 4 misdemeanor. It is defined as a married person having sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. The penalty for adultery is a $250 fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

No it isn’t. It’s even legal to key your own car. They are married it’s her car too.

Yes, adultery is illegal in Virginia, and is considered a Class 4 misdemeanor. It is defined as a married person having sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. The penalty for adultery is a $250 fine

§ 18.2-365. Adultery defined; penalty.
Any person, being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any person not his or her spouse shall be guilty of adultery, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

Code 1950, §§18.1-187, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.

[Anonymous]

I just want to applaud you. I would have already been over there for a 'face-to-face' surprise appearance. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

He has a generally usual schedule, which occasionally includes a later shift, but not always. It’s usually on one specific day and he has held to that, but the actual time seems to flex. Like I would expect him home around midnight based on what his shift “should” be, but he is coming home at 2-4am.

In the spirit of 180 and dropping the drama in the house, I have stopped asking for his schedule as it always ends in an argument or him being nasty to me. I just always assume I am taking care of kid. It’s easier on me and I love hanging with her anyway. he always seems to be “working”, even on his days off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

He has a generally usual schedule, which occasionally includes a later shift, but not always. It’s usually on one specific day and he has held to that, but the actual time seems to flex. Like I would expect him home around midnight based on what his shift “should” be, but he is coming home at 2-4am.

In the spirit of 180 and dropping the drama in the house, I have stopped asking for his schedule as it always ends in an argument or him being nasty to me. I just always assume I am taking care of kid. It’s easier on me and I love hanging with her anyway. he always seems to be “working”, even on his days off.

So why haven't you seen a divorce lawyer yet? You can get your ducks in a row before pulling the trigger. It's a significant advantage to be the most prepared. If you are experiencing hopelessness or depression over your situation, you may feel better knowing you're making changes in a better direction rather than "stuck" in a hopeless situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

DP
Keep the child out of this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

No it isn’t. It’s even legal to key your own car. They are married it’s her car too.

Yes, adultery is illegal in Virginia, and is considered a Class 4 misdemeanor. It is defined as a married person having sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. The penalty for adultery is a $250 fine

§ 18.2-365. Adultery defined; penalty.
Any person, being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any person not his or her spouse shall be guilty of adultery, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

Code 1950, §§18.1-187, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.

It is not usually prosecuted and you need rock solid evidence. Basically, a video.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

But it is not his choice. If you divorce, it is YOUR choice. Many people stay married. Most do.