Helicopter parents and their presence out of control?

[Anonymous]

Back when I went to college, no way would I want my parents even within a 100 zip code vicinity from where my dorm room was. They were good parents, don’t get me wrong. But this whole new era of clingy parents and adult aged babies in college is just bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many inappropriate posts I see in my kids Facebook college group. Questions regarding handling roommate situations (DDs roommate vapes, what should I tell her to do? Should I call the RA?), oversharing medical info (dd needs a gyn for an infection, ds is having anxiety) and then of course the pile of rants about the food in the dining hall (dd doesn’t like the food! What can she eat??). No wonder so many kids have anxiety. My mom dropped me off at college 1000 miles away and I did not see her again on my campus until graduation.

+1

My favorite (From my oldest kid's parent FB page) was what is referred to as "bacon gate". A parent complaining about "no bacon in the main dining hall and what should they do to solve this problem". Thankfully 99% of the responses were, you have your adult child who is the college student ask someone in the dining hall "where's the bacon".

I get some questions are from first gen parents/lower income parents who may not have had the privilege of experiencing college themselves or seen it with family over the years so I give them some grace, as do most.
But the main response is typically "here is who to contact, but it Needs to be your student who does the contacting".

And I say this as a parent of a ND student who struggled their freshman year. Lots of decisions about taking W (to save GPA and their mental health), and the ultimate "breakdown" of getting an exam back at 9:30pm, the grade was bad (yet again) and would need to drop this key course for the intended major. This also was the night before my kid had to register for fall sophomore classes at 10am the next day. So from 9:30pm-about midnight, I was on the phone with my anxiety ridden kid helping them plan changes to their future. But I only guided the discussion. Then once they arrived at a conclusion---of a possible new major, I helped guide them with what needed to be done in the morning to start the change of major and get registered for correct classes.
Now my kid did all the work---I didn't contact anyone. But if I'm paying $40-50K/year for college, I'm going to guide my kid/roll play scenarios so they know what to say and what to do. My kid was fine, at 8am was waiting for the first signature needed, and went from there. Had it all done and successfully registered for new major courses at 10am.

But I know if I just told my kid, figure it out, while they are having a panic attack and giving up their dream major (for 10+ years), I needed to remain calm and guide the process a bit. But I would never actually DO the work for them. Just be a sounding board and calming factor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems to be more of an SEC football thing than a helicopter thing.

+1 This is very common in the South. Some families live for football season and are at every game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

this happens a lot. why are people surprised?
this is not helicopter - its just UHNW.
Very common in my circle tbh (non DMV) finance circle.

If you have multiple kids at one school, its not that big of deal (assuming you can afford it).
the people commenting here are likely much lower SES and can't fathom the expense?
Its an apartment....
people need to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend hiring students coming out of nursing programs. This year 3 of the candidates had parents in the zoom interview.
parent prompting candidate how to answer questions
parent answering the questions
parent negotiating the offer

Yeah I don't believe that three people had their parents in a zoom interview.

Have you not read a news article in the last 5+ years? There are young adults who take their parents to physical/in person interviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

+1

Refreshing to see a non-judgmental take on here. We're all just people trying to do the best we can. Also, if one family is overly close in your opinion, it shouldn't be seen as a threat to you because your family is different or makes other choices. And they should not feel threatened by your family just because they are less close but more independent. Let's just all mind our own business and stop comparing ourselves to other families. What they're doing is harmless; what you're doing is not hurting anyone either. Live and let others live the way they want to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's not really harmless. It causes serious arrested development in their children, which affects their ability to function later. That's a burden for themselves and society writ large. The lack of teaching children independence and resilience and letting them fail on their own actually has massive societal impacts.

Whose child are you taking care of as a result of their parents' helicoptering? I call huge BS on this.

Those of us who work are seeing this in our professional environments

Seeing what exactly? I work with a lot of recent college grads too and don't see this often if ever. Having to train recent grads is nothing new. Maybe you just suck as a manager.

Nice try with the insult but it’s a known quantity among all managers, many of whom have been training new people for decades.

What industry are you in? Because I call BS on no one seeing it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is quite literally a rich person problem.

Or a not so rich person problem. I know a young man whose parents bought a small house near where he went to college and moved there, so he lived at home not in the dorm.

Now, the details. This was kid #4, the youngest. The parents planned to sell their house that was too big (and too expensive after they both retired) for them when the last kid starts college. This is a true middle class family and the state school at full pay was a stretch. However, the school was in a LCOL area, so they realized that the cost of room and board would cover their housing expenses, and they didn’t mind living there, so a win-win. The guy graduated this year and moved where he got a job, the parents are still at that house for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

Gameday condos are normal for wealthy alums of SEC schools

They’re not alums tho.

Have you been to the SE US? This is how people are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

+1

Refreshing to see a non-judgmental take on here. We're all just people trying to do the best we can. Also, if one family is overly close in your opinion, it shouldn't be seen as a threat to you because your family is different or makes other choices. And they should not feel threatened by your family just because they are less close but more independent. Let's just all mind our own business and stop comparing ourselves to other families. What they're doing is harmless; what you're doing is not hurting anyone either. Live and let others live the way they want to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's not really harmless. It causes serious arrested development in their children, which affects their ability to function later. That's a burden for themselves and society writ large. The lack of teaching children independence and resilience and letting them fail on their own actually has massive societal impacts.

Whose child are you taking care of as a result of their parents' helicoptering? I call huge BS on this.

Those of us who work are seeing this in our professional environments

Seeing what exactly? I work with a lot of recent college grads too and don't see this often if ever. Having to train recent grads is nothing new. Maybe you just suck as a manager.

Nice try with the insult but it’s a known quantity among all managers, many of whom have been training new people for decades.

What industry are you in? Because I call BS on no one seeing it at all.

You're still not explaining what this supposed behavior is that is so outrageous now as a result of helicoptering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many inappropriate posts I see in my kids Facebook college group. Questions regarding handling roommate situations (DDs roommate vapes, what should I tell her to do? Should I call the RA?), oversharing medical info (dd needs a gyn for an infection, ds is having anxiety) and then of course the pile of rants about the food in the dining hall (dd doesn’t like the food! What can she eat??). No wonder so many kids have anxiety. My mom dropped me off at college 1000 miles away and I did not see her again on my campus until graduation.

+1

My favorite (From my oldest kid's parent FB page) was what is referred to as "bacon gate". A parent complaining about "no bacon in the main dining hall and what should they do to solve this problem". Thankfully 99% of the responses were, you have your adult child who is the college student ask someone in the dining hall "where's the bacon".

I get some questions are from first gen parents/lower income parents who may not have had the privilege of experiencing college themselves or seen it with family over the years so I give them some grace, as do most.
But the main response is typically "here is who to contact, but it Needs to be your student who does the contacting".

And I say this as a parent of a ND student who struggled their freshman year. Lots of decisions about taking W (to save GPA and their mental health), and the ultimate "breakdown" of getting an exam back at 9:30pm, the grade was bad (yet again) and would need to drop this key course for the intended major. This also was the night before my kid had to register for fall sophomore classes at 10am the next day. So from 9:30pm-about midnight, I was on the phone with my anxiety ridden kid helping them plan changes to their future. But I only guided the discussion. Then once they arrived at a conclusion---of a possible new major, I helped guide them with what needed to be done in the morning to start the change of major and get registered for correct classes.
Now my kid did all the work---I didn't contact anyone. But if I'm paying $40-50K/year for college, I'm going to guide my kid/roll play scenarios so they know what to say and what to do. My kid was fine, at 8am was waiting for the first signature needed, and went from there. Had it all done and successfully registered for new major courses at 10am.

But I know if I just told my kid, figure it out, while they are having a panic attack and giving up their dream major (for 10+ years), I needed to remain calm and guide the process a bit. But I would never actually DO the work for them. Just be a sounding board and calming factor

This sounds normal and supportive. There’s a difference between ‘dd is having a once in a college experience crisis and wants to talk to me’ and ‘I need to oversee every aspect of dd’s life’. Most people can see the difference, some on this chain apparently can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As to the parent Facebook groups, those are quite helpful sometimes and enormously entertaining always.

Some universities are so large and such unhelpful bureaucracies that it is the only way for your student to find their way through the maze. Parent groups also can help to hold the universities accountable - guess what, students do fall through the cracks.

But at least university has had students outing other students’ parents who were asking true helicopter questions so beware.

The only way? Really? A mom posting on Facebook asking how her DD can get a better rooomate? I disagree.

I.m talking more about things like “when should my DD study abroad if she is an engineering student? If she wants to change majors, should she take Calc 1? Or “did Dorm have mold a few years ago? How did the college manage COVID?” Sometimes the groups are really helpful. I like it when the helicopters SHARE information that they have learned!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meet our high schoolers' teachers at open house and tell them they won't hear from me or see me again unless our kid is super struggling/failing and I need some feedback to support kid behind the scenes at home. If our kid is getting a passing in your class, I won't bother you for a teacher conference -- e.g., we're all good. Our student will do all speaking to you themselves about homework, assignments, tests, retakes, etc. I'm behind the scenes at home, only, so our kid learns resilience and how to speak up for themselves.

It's clear I am a rarity as a parent.

Good job. I'm Gen X and this used to be the norm. My neighbor's child just moved back home after failing out of freshman year of college so I'm taking notes on what not to do. They definitely need to hone these skills and gain some independence before college.

It sounds like most of these helicopter parents want their child to move back home, so perhaps the mission was accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems to be more of an SEC football thing than a helicopter thing.

+1 This is very common in the South. Some families live for football season and are at every game.

There is also a lot of overlap between these parents and the ones who pay 10K for an interior designer for their kid's dorm room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw some wild stuff when DD was in high school. Pay to play private theater groups, kids demanding roles in high school productions and quitting if they didn’t get the role. Parents stomping down to the school to complain. Same things in sports. Getting accommodations for tests when not really necessary.

Fast forward - these are the kids not getting jobs etc.

Obviously---unless they land a position thru their parental connections

MS/HS is the time to start teaching your kid to be independent (well ES is the start). By MS we let our kids start handling many issues at school. If they tried and teacher/staff wasn't responsive, then we would step in if appropriate (ie. the teacher isn't allowing them to use the bathroom as needed or teacher refuses to call on them in class yet participation is 25% of the grade, type of things). But not for "my kid didn't get first chair orchestra" or "my kid deserves the lead role " or "my kid is at a 92.9999, why can't you round to an A"

So basically if you do that in MS/HS, by the time they leave for college they are already "mostly independent" young adults who know how to advocate for themselves, even in difficult situations.

I had 2 times in HS I had to step in for my kids. And one involved the crazy PE department at our HS, who forced kids to run hard 2x/week and your grade was fully based on how well you did (we had kids with broken legs during the semester 5K, kids vomiting while being yelled at by the PE teachers, etc.....beyond ridiculous teacher behavior)---I stepped in when my kid asked me to. Ultimately I didn't get far, but did negotiate something acceptable for our family. it took 2 more years before real changes finally happened, so there was no way my own kid could advocate with that level of crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just read this op-ed that I thought relates somewhat to the thread - it's not just the parents but also the college and universities that are the helicopters:

Gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/03/opinion/college-students-adulting.html?unlocked_article_code=1.H04.yZHx.ao3_lK8ji3D6&smid=url-share

Excerpt: "Universities don’t openly describe students as children, but that is how they treat them. This was highlighted in the spring, when so many pro-Palestinian student protesters — most of them legal adults — faced minimal consequences for even flagrant violations of their universities’ policies. (Some were arrested — but those charges were often dropped.) American universities’ relative generosity to their students may seem appealing, especially in contrast to the plight of our imaginary waiter, but it has a dark side, in the form of increased control of student life."

Please. Charges were dropped bc first amendment/free speech/academic freedoms principles touted by colleges which they then ignored to arrest their own students. And don’t tell me it doesn’t apply to private colleges blah blah. It’s a hell of a lot more complicated than people understand.