Helicopter parents and their presence out of control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw some wild stuff when DD was in high school. Pay to play private theater groups, kids demanding roles in high school productions and quitting if they didn’t get the role. Parents stomping down to the school to complain. Same things in sports. Getting accommodations for tests when not really necessary.

Fast forward - these are the kids not getting jobs etc.

Obviously---unless they land a position thru their parental connections

MS/HS is the time to start teaching your kid to be independent (well ES is the start). By MS we let our kids start handling many issues at school. If they tried and teacher/staff wasn't responsive, then we would step in if appropriate (ie. the teacher isn't allowing them to use the bathroom as needed or teacher refuses to call on them in class yet participation is 25% of the grade, type of things). But not for "my kid didn't get first chair orchestra" or "my kid deserves the lead role " or "my kid is at a 92.9999, why can't you round to an A"

So basically if you do that in MS/HS, by the time they leave for college they are already "mostly independent" young adults who know how to advocate for themselves, even in difficult situations.

I had 2 times in HS I had to step in for my kids. And one involved the crazy PE department at our HS, who forced kids to run hard 2x/week and your grade was fully based on how well you did (we had kids with broken legs during the semester 5K, kids vomiting while being yelled at by the PE teachers, etc.....beyond ridiculous teacher behavior)---I stepped in when my kid asked me to. Ultimately I didn't get far, but did negotiate something acceptable for our family. it took 2 more years before real changes finally happened, so there was no way my own kid could advocate with that level of crazy

My kid goes to a high school where parent involvement is actively- very actively- discouraged - even for the type of things you mention. Dh and I reached out exactly once to try to discuss something, and the blow back was harsh and dc made clear never ever again should we contact his school. Fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I meet our high schoolers' teachers at open house and tell them they won't hear from me or see me again unless our kid is super struggling/failing and I need some feedback to support kid behind the scenes at home. If our kid is getting a passing in your class, I won't bother you for a teacher conference -- e.g., we're all good. Our student will do all speaking to you themselves about homework, assignments, tests, retakes, etc. I'm behind the scenes at home, only, so our kid learns resilience and how to speak up for themselves.

It's clear I am a rarity as a parent.

+1

Our HS had to eliminate "honors cords/sashes" for graduation. Why? Because "it wasn't fair that everyone didn't have a 3.5 or 3.75+ or 4.0". It wasn't fair for the kids who didn't have the cords/sashes.
The HS office literally had parents complaining to 9/10th grade teachers (about 1 month before their kid is graduating) demanding that they move that B+ to an A- (or the equivalent desire). The office staff was dealing with verbally abusive parents, and lots of them.
So they eliminated the chord wearing at graduation about 5 years ago. If you/your kids are that upset that they have a green cord (or no chord) vs the kids with the Gold Chord (3.0-4.0) and cannot "deal with it" they are not very resilient and wont go far in life. Especially when they had every ability themselves to actually earn the higher cord.
My kids were fine, and can live without the chords, but the stupidity of the school not allowing recognition of academic excellence is just an example of how over involved parents have become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing about parenting is that it’s the parents fundamental right to parent the way they see fit. No one needs to do it the op’s preferred way or anyone else’s.

You have that right. But don't complain to society when your kid has "failed to launch" on a normal schedule. If you do everything for them all their lives, they won't develop resilience and the ability to do it themselves, or how to deal with not getting everything they want.

Nobody wants to work with someone like that---they wont' get a job, and if they do, they won't last very long. So unless your kid has serious ND/Anxiety/learning issues, you are not helping them. Unless your goal is to have them living in your basement and working at McD at age 30, despite having gone to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m seeing lots of parents on FB posting first day of college pics this year, some of them even holding up signs like they did in elementary school. Not the drop-off pictures, mind you. But, like, first day of class. Had never seen this before, but I’ve seen several in the last week. These poor kids. Just let them be.

Was the parent taking the picture, or sharing a picture the student sent?

Plenty of people have their kid send them a photo. I think it's cute. Especially since most who do that have been doing it since preschool. I have a friend with 4 kids---oldest is 29, youngest is 13. Preschool thru 12th grade she has always posted a first day of school. If the college kids sent her one, she posts it as well.
This is someone who is not a helicopter, and doesn't post much on FB, but it's a family tradition for them. Her College junior sent one and she posted that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing about parenting is that it’s the parents fundamental right to parent the way they see fit. No one needs to do it the op’s preferred way or anyone else’s.

You have that right. But don't complain to society when your kid has "failed to launch" on a normal schedule. If you do everything for them all their lives, they won't develop resilience and the ability to do it themselves, or how to deal with not getting everything they want.

Nobody wants to work with someone like that---they wont' get a job, and if they do, they won't last very long. So unless your kid has serious ND/Anxiety/learning issues, you are not helping them. Unless your goal is to have them living in your basement and working at McD at age 30, despite having gone to college.

You have obviously failed to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m seeing lots of parents on FB posting first day of college pics this year, some of them even holding up signs like they did in elementary school. Not the drop-off pictures, mind you. But, like, first day of class. Had never seen this before, but I’ve seen several in the last week. These poor kids. Just let them be.

Was the parent taking the picture, or sharing a picture the student sent?

Good question. I guess they must be sharing pics from kids, but I’m not sure that makes it any better.

What is wrong with that? Most I know who do it have been posting it yearly since preK/K and for all their kids. I see no harm in a "first day of 14th grade" photo and mom sharing it on FB for friends and family to see. If the kids have been doing it for 12+ years, they likely will oblige mom/dad and send a photo in college as well.

I mean, do you not communicate at all with your college kids? Or launched kids? My launched kid calls about every 10 days just to chat, and to ask questions about "adulting" (to make sure they are doing it okay). I hear from the college kid via texts a few times every week. We have a family group text where we send photos of the cats/dogs. Kids love to see those. Just a fun way to stay in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As to the parent Facebook groups, those are quite helpful sometimes and enormously entertaining always.

Some universities are so large and such unhelpful bureaucracies that it is the only way for your student to find their way through the maze. Parent groups also can help to hold the universities accountable - guess what, students do fall through the cracks.

But at least university has had students outing other students’ parents who were asking true helicopter questions so beware.

The only way? Really? A mom posting on Facebook asking how her DD can get a better rooomate? I disagree.

I.m talking more about things like “when should my DD study abroad if she is an engineering student? If she wants to change majors, should she take Calc 1? Or “did Dorm have mold a few years ago? How did the college manage COVID?” Sometimes the groups are really helpful. I like it when the helicopters SHARE information that they have learned!

Why are you handling these issues and not DC?? I simply cannot imagine a world where a parent needs to be asking these questions. This is DCs job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing about parenting is that it’s the parents fundamental right to parent the way they see fit. No one needs to do it the op’s preferred way or anyone else’s.

You have that right. But don't complain to society when your kid has "failed to launch" on a normal schedule. If you do everything for them all their lives, they won't develop resilience and the ability to do it themselves, or how to deal with not getting everything they want.

Nobody wants to work with someone like that---they wont' get a job, and if they do, they won't last very long. So unless your kid has serious ND/Anxiety/learning issues, you are not helping them. Unless your goal is to have them living in your basement and working at McD at age 30, despite having gone to college.

Nice imaginary story you’ve conjured up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meet our high schoolers' teachers at open house and tell them they won't hear from me or see me again unless our kid is super struggling/failing and I need some feedback to support kid behind the scenes at home. If our kid is getting a passing in your class, I won't bother you for a teacher conference -- e.g., we're all good. Our student will do all speaking to you themselves about homework, assignments, tests, retakes, etc. I'm behind the scenes at home, only, so our kid learns resilience and how to speak up for themselves.

It's clear I am a rarity as a parent.

Good job. I'm Gen X and this used to be the norm. My neighbor's child just moved back home after failing out of freshman year of college so I'm taking notes on what not to do. They definitely need to hone these skills and gain some independence before college.

Uh, I failed out of college my freshman year and moved back in with my parents. Where on earth would I have otherwise gone? They supported me financially and emotionally through the next semester, when I was ready to return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems to be more of an SEC football thing than a helicopter thing.

agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meet our high schoolers' teachers at open house and tell them they won't hear from me or see me again unless our kid is super struggling/failing and I need some feedback to support kid behind the scenes at home. If our kid is getting a passing in your class, I won't bother you for a teacher conference -- e.g., we're all good. Our student will do all speaking to you themselves about homework, assignments, tests, retakes, etc. I'm behind the scenes at home, only, so our kid learns resilience and how to speak up for themselves.

It's clear I am a rarity as a parent.

Good job. I'm Gen X and this used to be the norm. My neighbor's child just moved back home after failing out of freshman year of college so I'm taking notes on what not to do. They definitely need to hone these skills and gain some independence before college.

Uh, I failed out of college my freshman year and moved back in with my parents. Where on earth would I have otherwise gone? They supported me financially and emotionally through the next semester, when I was ready to return.

Sounds like you misunderstood the point of the post. Not a surprise, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been happening for a decade. I used to work in a University. The big shift in parental involvement ramped up when tuition skyrocketed. To parents, this is one of the largest financial investments they will make. The more expensive college gets, the more parents expect.

Housing at some schools is a real issue so more parents with means are buying investment condos or houses. Honestly, if DS ends up going to the school in the city we are looking to retire in we will likely buy our retirement house before we need it and let him live there or buy one with an ADU / space for ADU and work remotely/ commute back. It would save around 40 K a year.

Slightly off topic, but as an insider can you discuss why tuition has skyrocketed so much?

And I don’t know exactly why but I tend to think it’s circular. Tuition is up so parents expect more (dc needs a beautiful athletic facility to work out at, dc needs nicer dorms, dc needs a support contact for X, etc) but all those demands then drive higher tuition. But I don’t know. All I know is that tuition rates seem CRAZY to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m seeing lots of parents on FB posting first day of college pics this year, some of them even holding up signs like they did in elementary school. Not the drop-off pictures, mind you. But, like, first day of class. Had never seen this before, but I’ve seen several in the last week. These poor kids. Just let them be.

Was the parent taking the picture, or sharing a picture the student sent?

Plenty of people have their kid send them a photo. I think it's cute. Especially since most who do that have been doing it since preschool. I have a friend with 4 kids---oldest is 29, youngest is 13. Preschool thru 12th grade she has always posted a first day of school. If the college kids sent her one, she posts it as well.
This is someone who is not a helicopter, and doesn't post much on FB, but it's a family tradition for them. Her College junior sent one and she posted that.

I really don’t think it’s cute anymore. When does it end? Will there be a first day at grad school pic? First day on the job? Let these kids develop into individuals now. Their accomplishments are theirs, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for some parents. It is really hard to be a parent. If you do your job correctly, you raise a kid that doesn’t need you.

I can see why some people struggle with their children not needing them. Especially when they based their whole identity on it. Those “mama bear” ladies don’t have much else going on. I mean how many “live, laugh, love” signs can you make with your cricut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for some parents. It is really hard to be a parent. If you do your job correctly, you raise a kid that doesn’t need you.

I can see why some people struggle with their children not needing them. Especially when they based their whole identity on it. Those “mama bear” ladies don’t have much else going on. I mean how many “live, laugh, love” signs can you make with your cricut?

😂