Helicopter parents and their presence out of control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has taken a weird turn and is no fun anymore.

Was it ever fun?

I am always here for a good helicopter parent thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been happening for a decade. I used to work in a University. The big shift in parental involvement ramped up when tuition skyrocketed. To parents, this is one of the largest financial investments they will make. The more expensive college gets, the more parents expect.

Housing at some schools is a real issue so more parents with means are buying investment condos or houses. Honestly, if DS ends up going to the school in the city we are looking to retire in we will likely buy our retirement house before we need it and let him live there or buy one with an ADU / space for ADU and work remotely/ commute back. It would save around 40 K a year.

This is no doubt part of it. I have a college freshman and I’m on one of the FB groups and there’s a lot of useful info but also some parents over sharing w/o submitting an anonymous post. But, yes, the money is an issue. There was a recent thread that I commented on about the state of the bathroom in the dorms upon move-in. There was one post on it from an “anti-helicopter” parent chastising the thread and saying what’s college w/o dealing with a dirty bathroom or something like that. But, frankly, I’m paying a heck of a lot of money for the bathrooms to have been dirty before anyone was even in the building and do expect they’ll be cleaned regularly since that’s part of what I am paying for. Same can be said about decent food.

I also think sometimes you don’t know a person’s situation and need to give them grace. There’s one dad on the FB page that seems really over involved. I have to admit I googled him and quickly realized his wife died after an illness not long ago, so, he’s clearly a grieving widower trying to be both mom and dad.

You don’t know which kids have had an eating disorder or other mental or physical health issues, etc…

There are some extreme situations but most people are just doing the best they can.

Yes there can be a happy medium. Parents are dealing with so many more allergies, eating disorders and mental health issues than before. Also it’s almost cruel to stop coddling all at once as they sleep in a new place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has taken a weird turn and is no fun anymore.

Was it ever fun?

I am always here for a good helicopter parent thread.

Yes seems like the mama bears are crafting right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young people’s brains do not fully develop until age 26. After age 26, they are finally capable of making sound, adult, decisions.

Before that age, our children need our guidance; it’s as simple as that.

I’m not going to apologize for being a good parent.

Lol, at 26 I had already finished grad school, had a job and one kid. You can function independently with a prefrontal cortex still developing

Are you 80? I know no one who had a baby at that age unless it was an accident from generations subsequent to my grandparents.

DP: I had finished grad school at 24, married at 22. Chose to wait until 29 for a kid. But There are plenty of people who choose to have kids in their mid to late20s who are only in their 40/50s.

I’m in my 40’s and no way in hell was I or any of my peers/collegues looking to marry right out of college.

DP but I’m also in my 40s and got married right out of college. Been happily married for over 20 years and have two non-coddled teens and a graduate degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many inappropriate posts I see in my kids Facebook college group. Questions regarding handling roommate situations (DDs roommate vapes, what should I tell her to do? Should I call the RA?), oversharing medical info (dd needs a gyn for an infection, ds is having anxiety) and then of course the pile of rants about the food in the dining hall (dd doesn’t like the food! What can she eat??). No wonder so many kids have anxiety. My mom dropped me off at college 1000 miles away and I did not see her again on my campus until graduation.

My kids are in preschool now, but I've been writing (and revising) a set of letters to give them when they leave, talking about situations I faced as a young adult, how I dealt with them, and what I wish I'd done differently. The idea would be to give my kids the letters, and say that they don't have to read them and are always free to figure situations out on their own, but if they want some guidance and don't want to talk to me directly, the letters are available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

https://www.axios.com/2024/09/03/parent-anxiety-college-facebook-groups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has taken a weird turn and is no fun anymore.

Was it ever fun?

I am always here for a good helicopter parent thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

I have two college girlfriends who had kids go to our alma mater - they both bought properties in the college town - primarily to have a place to stay during football weekends. The school is in the SEC and this isn't totally out of the norm for wealthy parents.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think SEC football parent types are necessarily the same as helicopter parents. They’re more like a tailgate with the kids type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think SEC football parent types are necessarily the same as helicopter parents. They’re more like a tailgate with the kids type.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

You are not describing helicopter parents. You are describing people who really get into sports and school spirit. There is nothing wrong with what you describe.

A helicopter parent would be deeply involved in the student's day-to-day activities, and intervening to solve problems for them. That isn't this.

+1. I know quite a few people who go to every football game of the school their kid attends. I can assure you these people are not helicopter parents under the traditional meaning of the term. They tailgate, the kid drops by & has a few drinks with Mom & Dad & their friends & moves on to the student section for the game. It’s fun. We do it ourselves maybe 2-3 times a year, counting basketball season. My kid asks us to come — it’s not considered to be embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think SEC football parent types are necessarily the same as helicopter parents. They’re more like a tailgate with the kids type.

Probably less peanut allergies or mold -phobia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

I have two college girlfriends who had kids go to our alma mater - they both bought properties in the college town - primarily to have a place to stay during football weekends. The school is in the SEC and this isn't totally out of the norm for wealthy parents.

This makes sense since the parents attended the school as well.

I just can’t imagine becoming a Clemson football fan and actually attending all the games just because my kid decided to attend Clemson.

No personal attachment. Do agree some of the RE purchases could be a good financial move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t new. My suitemate’s parents at my Ivy League school did this back in the late 90s. They flew out monthly or more to take their kid shopping, take her out to nice meals, type her term papers, edit her term papers, write up her sources, and quiz her for exams. Sometimes they would take her friends drinking and even come to parties. She treated it like the most normal thing ever but my other suite mates and I were appalled. We had never seen anything like it and assumed she would flail after graduation. So naive of us!

She got into Yale Law School and has had a great life ever since. I had other kids on my floor who had parents stay nearby to handle laundry, food shopping, package pickup, etc. They were all super successful and confident, maybe because they knew they had a safety net and could focus on school and extracurriculars without worrying about time management or chores.

Agree with the PP who said this is a rich people problem- these were very rich people.

This raises such a good point about what is “enough” when it comes to parenting a young adult.

I tend to do less because my parents were very hands off. I basically had to figure everything out myself, but I don’t think that is the best way.

For example, I didn’t know how to apply to college and my parents did not do anything to help. I also didn’t think about careers or, later, know to invest part of my paycheck. I missed five years of saving for retirement. It took years before I had a career instead of just a job. I’m not sure that their lack of counsel or advice was helpful to my life…

So, I will pass on lessons, help my kids set up their first IRA, encourage them to apply for internships, and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

I have two college girlfriends who had kids go to our alma mater - they both bought properties in the college town - primarily to have a place to stay during football weekends. The school is in the SEC and this isn't totally out of the norm for wealthy parents.

This makes sense since the parents attended the school as well.

I just can’t imagine becoming a Clemson football fan and actually attending all the games just because my kid decided to attend Clemson.

No personal attachment. Do agree some of the RE purchases could be a good financial move.

Me either, but SEC fans are weird.

- DP