I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

So if he made $500k/year this would still be an issue?

No. Because it is about the income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

DP. Her post is all about income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

So if he made $500k/year this would still be an issue?

No. Because it is about the income.

Because if your spouse makes $500K a year while you are the primary parent/adult AND working you can

1 - afford to outsource/pay for convenience

2 - not be terrified that you will lose your job and the family will take a significant financial hit

So yes - it’s about the money when that’s the only thing one partner has ever “brought to the table”.

There’s also something galling about being the primary earner and the primary parent while your spouse sits around and bemoans their situation without making your life any easier by taking charge of SOMETHING.

My husband whines that I am “making” him work in a job he hates.

When he was unemployed for 9 months he maybe made dinner once or twice, didn’t plan anything kid related (they stayed in aftercare and full time summer camp), and totally failed at keeping the house clean - even with cleaners it was messier than when he went to work, because he was home all day.

But if I said anything - the DRAMA.

He knew he wasn’t pulling his weight and instead of motivating him to become Mr. Mom, he did even less than he used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

So if he made $500k/year this would still be an issue?

No. Because it is about the income.

Look dude. If you make 500K/yr and never pick up a kid or a mop, it's not great but we accept it. OP's DH isn't killing it at work *or* at home.

You gotta pick one or yes. You are the object of scorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe OP is b****ing about her husband not earning enough when he outearned her for years and years! The hypocrisy!

It's not about income, it's about dumping all the childcare and household work on her. You don't treat your working spouse like that.

So if he made $500k/year this would still be an issue?

No. Because it is about the income.

Look dude. If you make 500K/yr and never pick up a kid or a mop, it's not great but we accept it. OP's DH isn't killing it at work *or* at home.

You gotta pick one or yes. You are the object of scorn.

This 1000+.

The whole point is if DH is making $500k then DW can afford to not work outside of the home - and outsource for parts that DH should help with but isnt - and thus kids/house are DW’s primary job. Everyone has one job, DH is responsible for making the money, DW is responsible for the home front.

However, if DW is the breadwinner and DH isn’t running the show with kids/home it’s not balanced. DW has 2 jobs while DH is complaining about doing a half assed job and trying to give DW more work.

In which case DW would have less work without DH in the house, because in addition to making the money, taking care of the kids, and house, DW is also taking care of DH.

[Anonymous]

The number of times the above has been explained in this thread is infuriating in and of itself. Like why is this hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

Write out a list of each other's daily responsibilities side by side.

If seeing it in print doesn't open his eyes than nothing else will.

We did this, at my insistence. When he saw my list, he asked to go back and revise his to add more things. He added items like “troubleshoot internet cable issues” “handled ds’ circumcision”

Our son is 3.

If my H wrote that I would list out every single time I breastfed. Fair's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if I’m crazy, being Gaslit, if he’s an a hole or if I’m the a hole.

I’m long time breadwinner. Dh used to make double my salary. He got laid off 8 years ago and never recovered. Since then, I’ve out earned him. I almost make double him now. It’s been frustrating to see him underemployed AND stressed about money AND complaining that he doesn’t like his job. On top of that, I handle the mental load at home. Kid stuff, school signups, it’s me.

I had a moment last week and got very overwhelmed last week with a kid starting a new school/ the sign ups, ordering uniforms, the paperwork, the invoices for payment etc. I had an outburst/vent and flipped out at dh. I said to him- im tired of being the responsible one. For feeling like the only adult. I need to be with someone who has their sht together. I pay for the family vacations, I pay for the schooling, I do the forms, I need a partner. I’m resentful.

Fast fwd to this week. Dh said “I have an opportunity for a side hustle that’s lucrative. But I’m not organized enough to keep track of everything. If only I had an organized smart wife who could help me with it.”

I lost my sht. I said I hear you saying that it’s my responsibility to help get you organized? It’s my responsibility to help you with another job? I have a full time job.”

Him: “I have a full time job too. What else do you have to do that you can’t help with this? You can’t say I’m lazy and not bringing in enough money and then also reject the opportunity to help bring in More income for our family.”

I can’t tell if I’m being gaslit or what. Just giving my honest feelings here. I am extremely resentful that he is underemployed, under paid, and not picking up the slack at home, AND also asking me to help him with a side hustle. It feels unfair that I told him I’m stressed about money, mental load, and that he isn’t contributing adequately….and the result is asking me to do even more??

He’s now turned this into- he feels unsupported and that I’m not willing to do more than the minimum. “If you came to me with an opportunity make more money for our family, I’d jump and say how can I help you. And you won’t do the same.”

Keeping it really real: HE IS NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT. THAT ISNT A GROUP PROJECT. I’ve been doing my share and his for far too long. It’s time for him to step it up. Not ADD TO MY PLATE.

Am I an ahole? Am I being gaslit?

So how long were YOU not “pulling your weight” OP? And how often did your husband piss and moan about it, criticize, and call you a lazy, irresponsible child?

He didn’t. Bc I did disproportionately more cooking, cleaning, and handled the home front. And this was pre kids.

LOL. Pre-kids meaning when there wasn’t jack$h!t to do on the home front. Seriously, you sound just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no offense OP but it appears that you are married to a common tool.

I mean, you are the main source of support for your family while he is not holding up his fair share of duties at home!!? 😞

It sounds like you have a ton already on your plate & now your husband is asking you to do more…..??!
Seems he has gone + lost his damn mind if you ask me!

He has zero right to ask for your help in regards to his new side hustle.
And yes, he may be gaslighting you to get you on board but you obviously know better.

Let him figure things out on his own.

Good luck!

It sounds like OP and her husband both work full time jobs but because she makes more money than him she expects him to behave like a grateful servant at home, all while she belittles him and calls him a useless loser.

If the sexes were reversed people would be (rightly) outraged at a husband having such a lack of basic respect for his wife.

[Anonymous]

These years with kids are so hard, OP! I would say it's time for you to take care of you. Get a massage. Get a facial. Take a weekend trip with the girls. It’s easier said than done but you are carrying too much of the load and deserve some care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

Write out a list of each other's daily responsibilities side by side.

If seeing it in print doesn't open his eyes than nothing else will.

We did this, at my insistence. When he saw my list, he asked to go back and revise his to add more things. He added items like “troubleshoot internet cable issues” “handled ds’ circumcision”

Our son is 3.

Please show us your list, because if he revised it to add these items it sounds like you had some absolute BS on yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There are no bills that are his and yours in a marriage. You keep proving what a narcissistic abuser you are. You need to get off your high horse and start being a partner in a marriage.

You sound like my borderline personality, conflict avoidant, play the victim Ex H.

I am sorry your ex was a narc and they are all victims of their own making. You know that. However, I am in a very healthy marriage, have been married for 30 years, and I know what a healthy marriage looks like. It doesn't look like OPs, nor do mentally healthy people in a healthy marriage have separate bills. If you have no learned that, I hope that in the future, you will find a partner who will show you what kindness is and what a healthy relationship looks like. If this is OP, you just keep proving you are a narcissist gaslighting people

you’re singling out the separate bills to harp on out of all of this?

it’s actually quite common to have yours-mine-ours finances in a marriage where both partners work and they married after a decade+ of independence. there’s nothing inherently wrong with that setup. you pay into a joint account for all joint expenses (mortgage, childcare, food, savings) then what’s left over each partner uses for their personal needs (phone, gym, lunches, gifts, clothes, beauty treatments, hobbies …)

DP but do you know what else is quite common? Divorce.

Yours-mine-ours finances = not a committed marriage. Sorry, the truth hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will full admit that if he were the breadwinner or even matched my salary, I wouid have zero issue being the default parent.

I am not ok with

Researching + piecing together summer camps
Doing forms and paperwork for camps
Paying for the camps out of my money
Noticing that the kids need new shoes and
Paying for the shoes out of my money

Sorry, if these are the tasks that are just *overwhelming* you I don’t think you ARE capable of being a high school level admin for him anyway. Seriously, researching camps takes like 10 minutes. Filling out the forms? 10 minutes x number of kids. “Noticing” the kids need shoes? 30 seconds? Then ordering a size up online is another 5 minutes x number of kids x number of half sizes their feet grow per year.

So generously we’re talking maybe three hours of effort per year, and you’re whining about it. It’s obviously just about the money. Sorry you’re not actually RHDC the princess you thought you were going to be 8 years ago…

[Anonymous]

I side with you.

Tell him not to take on a side hustle, just pull more weight on the home front.