Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

I got divorced at 31 from a horrible person and was remarried at 35. Don’t let your age scare you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you both, OP?

He sounds annoying. Just cut him loose. It won’t get better.

I am 31, he is 37. He's generally not annoying, but yeah, this is a fairly recent development (he just started doing it within the last month) and I find it tacky. Again, I don't think men should pay for everything, but I would never go on a date with a guy, pay for dinner, and say "Okay! Next round is on you!" which is what he did when we went to dinner tonight. (And, again, I paid for dinner out last night, so it's not like he is NEVER being treated to dinner by me.)

New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed? Any idea? Maybe he's getting scared you're getting more serious and will want to marry soon,so this is how he's pushing you away. Maybe he's genuinely worried about finances for some reason but hasn't told you yet about some financial issue he has. Maybe h genuinely feels he's "paid for everything since we met" (even if he in reality hasn't) so he's telling you he's sick of that without being adult enough to, well, TELL you he's sick of that. (Again--not saying he's correct, just saying he may be thinking this way!). There's been a change somehow in his thinking, his perception of your relationship, etc. Maybe he sees this as "Well, we're not exactly dating any more, we're a couple, so I'm not treating our going out like it's dates where I pay..." etc.

The fact that he's "telling" you and not having a discussion is not good at all. If he feels the ways I've posited above, he should talk it through like an adult with you, his equal who is also an adult. Have you said to him directly, "There was a definite change in the past few weeks, where you have said X..... and I'd like to discuss it, so we don't get out somewhere and it comes up in the moment"? How has he responded?

The other negativity you mention is worrying too. Is that also a change, OP? Was he always like that, being negative, or is it a recent shift? I would be concerned that he might be having problems at work or problems with the relationship that he was not tellling me about. And if you're a committed couple, he should be telling you and you also should be asking, especially if it's a change to his behavior. I would want to have a serious talk, at a time that isn't busy or distracting, no phones, nowhere either of you needs to go, etc., and point out that you're perceiving a change in how you feel about him lately.

Dont' let fear of your age etc. make you stay in a relationship where, if you married/had kids, you would just eventually be unhappy. I'm not getting a "I love this person on many levels, and am concerned something's going on with him, and want to work it out openly" vibe from your post.

[Anonymous]

Strong and accomplished women In DC should be paying their share in relationships, should probably be paying far more than the guys because there are so few accomplished men to go around.

[Anonymous]

This is a signal that he thinks he’s paying for too much and you’re paying for too little.

[Anonymous]

Why are you with this dude again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need to be around a man who is okay with you being a deadbeat.

OP is paying for dinner - and evidently something tonight if she made this post - and he feels the need to tell her "next round is on you" and you think SHE is the deadbeat??? Spoken like a true a-hole.

FIFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a signal that he thinks he’s paying for too much and you’re paying for too little.

Then he can act like an adult and discuss it with her, rather than waiting until they're out somewhere and then announcing she's paying.

Grown-ups in real relationships, who care about maintaining adult communications, shouldn't "signal" things. They should put words together into sentences and have discussions.

And no, I'm not saying the guy is right or wrong about the paying, in this case. I'm saying he's wrong to "signal" instead of saying what he really means. OP also needs to speak up and hold a conversation, not ask strangers what her boyfriend (whom she supposedly knows well--?) might be thinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, by staying with him you are blocking your own chance of finding someone better. And being single is better than being with the wrong person. Ask me how I know. He’s not going to get better with age and time. Break up with him today and start your new, better life tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

This would be fine if you were 50, had kids with your first husband and just wanted to have fun.

But you’re not. You want to get married and have a family. A cheap guy who isn’t going to provide for you will be a pill and you’ll end up divorced. You’ll be equal to him professionally until you have kids. Then it will be terrible to have to be a dude in a relationship but held back by pregnancy and childbirth. These type of men are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a turnoff.

OP, any other problematic traits? There have to be others.

Yes. Really the worst of it is that he is one of the most negative human beings I have ever met. For example, his birthday was a couple weeks ago and when he called me after work I was like "Happy birthday!" and his response was "I'm 37 and old and life has no meaning anymore." Wtf?

He just always has something negative to say about his own life, society at large (he literally thinks America is ending and will cease to exist in the next ten years...) or others.

The other is that he is constantly giving feedback when I don't want feedback and am just venting. For example I will say "Ugh, my boss was so rude today about XYZ" and instead of saying "that sucks I'm sorry" he will say "You should ask her about ABC" (which 9 times out of ten I already have, I am just venting). Although in fairness to him, this is a male trait in general, I think?

The last example is common for men, yes. They tend to give advice when you just want them to listen but it's something you can work out as a couple. The question is, will he listen?

The second and third examples are red flags. He could and should find meaning in life at 37 because of his relationship with you!

Being unhappy about the state of the world will become his excuse to avoid things, not do things, not move forward (i.e., "What's the use?"). He sounds depressed. You should find someone who is more optimistic about life and happier overall and who can at least find happiness in his relationship.

Better to end after one year than keep going. There are better guys out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

Well, after six weeks of dating my boyfriend was still saying things like “I would never let a woman pay for me” and dramatically refusing every offer I made to offer to pay. So I stopped offering entirely until a few months later when he made a passive aggressive comment about I never offer to pay. I said “you said you didnt believe in women paying for you” to which he said “well I think you’ve taken advantage of that.” So, I started paying for things more and he seemed fine with that until a month ago at which point the behavior described in my op started.

It’s really just a matter of he went from “real men don’t let women pay for them” to now telling me when to pay for him and I’m pissed off because each step of the way he just seethed and was passive aggressive about it.

DTMFA. This passive-aggressive style will come up over and over if you stay together. Walk away.

[Anonymous]

New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed?

What changed is he got tired of her constant freeloading and his hints about it didn’t work so he had to go with a blunt direct approach.

[Anonymous]

He is signaling that he doesn’t not think you pay for enough. Some married couples still go Dutch. I personally would not like this arrangement. I want a man who is generous with me. However, many couples are ok with this arrangement. You should have an honest conversation with your boyfriend and see if there is a future with him, meaning marriage. If not, I would stop wasting my time and find someone else.

When I was dating Dh, then boyfriend, it may have seemed like he paid for everything. He did pay most times when we went out. I bought groceries, take out (frequently), home items, clothing for him and paid for vacations. I’m not sure why but I always preferred for the guy to pay when we went to a restaurant or outing.

I heard couples are different these days. Couples Venmo one another often. I couldn’t pay a guy back for coffee or a drink. That wouldn’t work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

Well, after six weeks of dating my boyfriend was still saying things like “I would never let a woman pay for me” and dramatically refusing every offer I made to offer to pay. So I stopped offering entirely until a few months later when he made a passive aggressive comment about I never offer to pay. I said “you said you didnt believe in women paying for you” to which he said “well I think you’ve taken advantage of that.” So, I started paying for things more and he seemed fine with that until a month ago at which point the behavior described in my op started.

It’s really just a matter of he went from “real men don’t let women pay for them” to now telling me when to pay for him and I’m pissed off because each step of the way he just seethed and was passive aggressive about it.

DTMFA. This passive-aggressive style will come up over and over if you stay together. Walk away.

There is also a difference between paying for a guy and paying for yourself. See the difference?

My BIL has a new girlfriend. BIL earns a very high income and can afford to pay for her all the time. I’m sure he does pay all or most of the time. I could see a year from now if she never even offered to pay, he could start getting annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed?

What changed is he got tired of her constant freeloading and his hints about it didn’t work so he had to go with a blunt direct approach.

He’s 37. I’m not sure what 37 year old man thinks “dropping hints” about something as important as money is better than communicating openly and honestly.