How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is unacceptable. You must ask for a divorce. He will never change.

And good luck raising kids or owning a 3+ BR home with someone this dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Murder

Who helps with this? Where?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp who said it is part of my ADHD.

I have a very active and constantly changing job so it kind of works well for me. I also have lists at work. I think I also put a lot of my brain power into work, so when I'm home it tends to shut off more.

As for the ADHD thing part, it is definitely procrastination and not a resistance to being told what to do. Like I said, DH has brought it up before and I have made a big effort to change. I really wish I could say why my brain does what it does. For instance, I could vacuum the living room and my brain would say "just leave the vacuum there, you can get it later" and then I'll go off and do something else. I have to stop and say "no, put it away now".

Another example happened recently. I was reorganizing our bathroom and getting rid of towels. I was about halfway through reorganizing when I looked at the area I store my make up and said "hmm...I should really go through my make up". So I stopped the towels and started going through my makeup. As I went through my makeup, I realized my makeup brushes needed to be cleaned. So I stopped going through my makeup and cleaned my brushes. Which led to me noticing that the counter tops were messy. So I put the make up brushes down and started cleaning the countertop. I had to process in my brain after "Ok, finish the brushes. Then put away the make up. Then finish the towels." Otherwise I would have just walked out of the bathroom with it being half done and remembered it hours early. Also hence why I have lists.

I wish I had a good answer for how to help your husband. I changed because I know it bothered DH and I don't want to do things that upset him.

I don't quite get this. I have never been diagnosed with ADHD but I do stuff like you-- get started with a task and then distracted by something else and distracted again. But also like you, I then notice I left a task unfinished and go back and finish it. Even if not right away -- usually before it becomes an issue. It might take me two days to organize the bathroom but it gets done and I'll say to my DH "I know the bathroom is a mess tonight, I'm sorry-- it was more than I expected and I'll have to finish tomorrow." DH is fine with it. He would never choose to organize the bathroom at all so he's not going to complain about one extra day if it being messy mid-organization.

But that's not what OP is talking about. She's talking about someone who dies part of a task, decides "well that's good," and then leaves it half done indefinitely even when it becomes very inconvenient or even burdensome for OP.

Even if the underlying behavior of getting distracted and struggling to finish tasks is ADHD (in which case maybe I have ADHD), the real issue is that second part where he just does not care enough about his partner to go back and finish it or put it away or even put it back how it was. He just leaves it for her to deal with.

That part isn't ADHD. It's selfishness, or some more severe neurodivergence that shows up as selfishness. And that's why people get annoyed on here when ADHD is used as some kind of all-purpose excuse for men who do not pull their weight at home. At some point when a grown adult is doing this stuff and making no effort to address it out if kindness and respect for their partner, it's not about "my brain just works different." It's "oh I just don't care about you."

It’s too haaaaard.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

So he doesn't care if you are unhappy with how everything is going?

He said we should only put in the effort if both of us were unhappy and that he "compromises on other stuff" so I should compromise on wanting to do FairPlay.

It's one of those things that is just as maddening when you're living it as when you're reading about it, but it's easy to say someone should leave and just get a divorce. I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care until they are old enough to easily communicate with me and take care of their own basic needs and surroundings.

My husband is also like this.

I also think this is why my SIL divorced my brother --she unhappy with division of labor (among other things) but when she explicitly told my brother she was unhappy and it needed to be addressed he would blow it off and say he didn't think it was that bad and they certainly didn't need couples therapy or to read some books to get on the same page.

She divorced him when kids were 10 and 8. It was very hard on the kids even though they really tried to make it as easy as possible. Also my brother now has another wife who also has a kid and that is ALSO really hard on his kids from his first marriage and there's just a lot of strife generally.

So I keep working at it.

So I keep trying.

Good but unfortunate point.

It is a NIGHtMARE to co-parent with an adhd/ASD ex-spouse. Very tough on the kids too. Losing stuff, missing appts, forgetting things, bad habits, no rules enforced. It’s a joke, but a sad one.

And if said clueless ex-spouse goes and remarries and has more kids, it’s even worse. Guess who constantly gets left out like the 20% ?? Kid batch 1.

These types are not adults. Not parent or marriage material. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

LOL. My DH believes deep in his heart that dishes need 3-5 days to air dry and clothing 2-3 weeks. He would die, eat off the floor, or go naked before he cleared an entire dishrack or drying rack. I brought this up last week and pointed to the dishtowel next to the dishrack when he complained that he had to stop doing dishes because the rack was full. I said "You know, you can dry the dishes with this towel. It's what it's for." He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."

This is tragic and hysterical. Maybe a moment when you could gently share that’s just how it has to work in this cruel world of ours?

He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."


So lazy and so stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Who TF prepares for a house cleaner? Wut u taking about?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

6-8 hours after taking it once a day. That’s when it’s effective

Then he better either make enough money to outsource his share of household responsibilities or he should look for a less demanding job that doesn't require him to medicate just to do it and then fall apart when he gets home.

The choice to medicate just for work should be a joint decision by the couple and should only be done if that specific job is important enough to justify having one adult in the house who cannot function at home, every single day.

The solution to having this kind of special needs cannot be "well my high functioning mother or wife (or wife I treat like my mother) picks up all the slack at home." What happens if she has a a medical crisis? So he simply cannot take care of the kids or the house while she recovers from surgery? Well then he better have a plan for outsourcing it and be ready to pay.

[Anonymous]

Correct he cannot

This is not a reliable, trustworthy, mature, on top of things person.

[Anonymous]

I dont let my adhd spouse even talk to repairmen. We get sold down the river they present so dumbly and naively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

6-8 hours after taking it once a day. That’s when it’s effective

some
people take an extended release formula or take a second shorter acting dose after work/school.

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD.
I have a graduate degree and a decently high paying job ($250K). I work hard and take medication for work as required.
I hire housecleaners who come every three weeks. Do my own tidying in between but won’t clean anything.
I currently have a load of clean dishes in the dishwasher not put away, a batch of clean laundry sitting in the laundry basket unfolded for over a week, and other batch folded and not put away in child’s room, unopened mail, and a yard that is overgrown. My gas tank gets refilled when it’s in the red zone. Except for the yard it’s like I don’t even see these things day to day. I am focussed on survival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

So he doesn't care if you are unhappy with how everything is going?

He said we should only put in the effort if both of us were unhappy and that he "compromises on other stuff" so I should compromise on wanting to do FairPlay.

It's one of those things that is just as maddening when you're living it as when you're reading about it, but it's easy to say someone should leave and just get a divorce. I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care until they are old enough to easily communicate with me and take care of their own basic needs and surroundings.

My husband is also like this.

I also think this is why my SIL divorced my brother --she unhappy with division of labor (among other things) but when she explicitly told my brother she was unhappy and it needed to be addressed he would blow it off and say he didn't think it was that bad and they certainly didn't need couples therapy or to read some books to get on the same page.

She divorced him when kids were 10 and 8. It was very hard on the kids even though they really tried to make it as easy as possible. Also my brother now has another wife who also has a kid and that is ALSO really hard on his kids from his first marriage and there's just a lot of strife generally.

So I keep working at it.

So I keep trying.

Good but unfortunate point.

It is a NIGHtMARE to co-parent with an adhd/ASD ex-spouse. Very tough on the kids too. Losing stuff, missing appts, forgetting things, bad habits, no rules enforced. It’s a joke, but a sad one.

And if said clueless ex-spouse goes and remarries and has more kids, it’s even worse. Guess who constantly gets left out like the 20% ?? Kid batch 1.

These types are not adults. Not parent or marriage material. Ugh.

Except a lot of us end up married to them. You can't leave while your kids are still at home, because they need/want contact with their parent. So for the duration, you have to put up with the irritation.

But [here comes a certain level of financial privilege; I know this isn't possible for a lot of women] start creating a fund that is just your money. Be open about it with your partner:

"I cannot live like this forever; it's exhausting to have to play Mommy/housekeeper to a supposedly grown man. When the kids move out, I'm moving out too. You can stay in the house and use it as a central meeting place for holidays, whatever. But from day to day, I want to know that I only need to worry about my own needs. I will buy my own food and pay my own bills and deal with my own mess. And you can have the chaos all to yourself."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Not necessarily. Some people just don’t care if their clothes are wrinkled or they live out of a laundry basket. My mother and sibling don’t. I do. I am lucky my DH cares a lot and doesn’t do any of the stupid stuff on this thread. But it’s got to be innate because one of my kids would just throw his stuff on the floor if he could get away with it, while the other neatly sorts and reorganizes with no input from us (and she’s 4 years younger than DS so it isn’t an age thing either). I’mtrying to train DS better but I recognize that at some point it’s up to him. I can make him fold now but when he’s an adult he’ll probably live in a pigsty and be happy with it. Like my sibling.