How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Murder

He had it coming

Put me on this jury so I can chill for a week and eat free sandwiches that someone else makes for me.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this too.

Examples:
If he unloads the dishwasher everything that you have to bend down to put away gets piled onto the kitchen counter.

If he goes grocery shopping all non perishables get stacked on the counter and not put away.

And yes we have three baskets of clean laundry laying around because I put them away. A while back I started not putting away his stuff. He just picks up the pile and instead of taking 60 seconds to put it away he piles it onto the bedroom dresser. It also makes no dent in the kids stuff either so I do 3/4.

[Anonymous]

We struggle with this and I have found that the only thing that works is to bring up these things when we are happy, like when we are out having a date night or something. I know it sounds counterintuitive — why ruin a good time with complaining? I think the thing is that I can be more solutions-focused rather than self-righteous and he’s less defensive and tired. He’s so much better around the house after we have these discussions. I do think there is kind of a regression to the mean so we have to have these conversations periodically. It’s frustrating for sure, but he’s always going to kind of be like this and I won’t spend the rest of my life finishing every task for him, getting angrier and angrier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Oh man.

This is like my “check the box” type guy.

Doesn’t do much and when he does it’s half-@$$ed and needs re-doing or finishing. Worse, he thinks he killing it! Doubly worse, ask him to fix it himself and he throws a fit and has a temper tantrum.

Possible reasons:
Idiot - totally clueless and no common sense
Misogyny - a woman can come fix it
Adhd or ASD - untreated. Mind blind.
Narcissist - I’m the best, screw this.
Work addict - busy and important on my iPhone
All of the above.

[Anonymous]

My spouse like this is aspergers.

He remains in the sidelines now. The kids and I cannot stand his chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

I don’t bother praising partial credit.

Doesn’t matter, he can’t learn and won’t improve to basic base line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I know the solution, more sex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

Lol.
My loser spouse loves leaving everything in the laundry basket one foot from his dresser drawers. For months.

[Anonymous]

If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I love you, but I think I make your life easier and you make my life harder. It makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up with this as their model"

Thx for summing it up.

Dont expect any actual action from saying or writing him the above. Maybe some personal attacks on you and then he’ll walk away and fondle his iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I stopped doing the 20% at some point late last fall and ignored his undone work for 6 months, but then I literally had to take 2 days off of work to catch up and dig out (not exaggerating) from that experiment.

I like my DH's mom, but she did me zero favors with how she raised him.

Here’s how my MIL handled three such males in the household:
No toys, Minimal clothes, Minimal after school activities, Same two vacations each year-camping, visit relatives at the sea, Small house, One weekly cleaning lady, Strict simple routines, Kids only responsible for studying & piano lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He seems to be doing 80% of a lot. I’d be curious how much you’re actually doing.

I can help you with the math, since you seem to be a DH who is struggling to get complete credit on this math problem.

Let x=a lot. If DH is doing 80% of a lot (assuming chores are split equally and not already in DH's favor, which is what time-use studies show), and DW does 100% of a lot plus DH's remaining share, then DH is doing .8x and DW is doing 1.2x.

So if x=20 hours/week, then DH is doing 16 hours worth of chores/week.

So to answer your question, DW is doing 24 hours worth of chores/week. Or 8 hours more than DH per week.

The poster was clearly wondering what specific tasks make up OP’s “a lot” and what tasks are included in her DH’s “a lot”.

Guarantee if she wrote it all out honestly she’s not doing nearly as much as she thinks she is. (Unless spending mental energy and time complaining about and criticizing her partner to strangers is some sort of necessary task?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

This. It’s immature but sometimes this is the most effective path when dealing with a man child.

I tried that and instead of doing his own laundry, DH just kept buying new clothes instead.

+1 just buys his 10th shaver or more boxers or 50th cord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

6-8 hours after taking it once a day. That’s when it’s effective