Rant: “you look amazing”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you just stay home? You sound anti-social and easily annoyed by people. I had a baby seven months ago and loved all the compliments!

You remind me of my mom when I complained about street harassment. "When you're old you'll look back fondly on it." Well I'm 40 and I'm still waiting.

Yeah street harassment by leering men and complimenting a post partum mom are totally the same thing.

They are symptoms of misogyny and the objectification of women, and ALSO expecting women and girls to take unwanted comments about their looks in stride and without complaint.

There's also the element of "Thank god you look superficially like you're holding to together so I won't have to: 1) offer help 2) have an uncomfortable conversation with your husband about stepping up 3) give unsolicited advice/observation that you don't look like you're coping 4) call CPS etc etc etc etc

You know, this is part of the problem with this conversation. Tone is EVERYTHING here. "You look amazing" to a woman a few weeks postpartum can mean so many things:

1. You actually look amazing, I am stunned by your beauty.
2. You look amazing... for a woman who just had a baby. Meaning you look like crap but maybe a little less like crap than I thought you were going to.
3. You look amazing and I resent you for it because that's not how I look postpartum.
4. How you look is irrelevant to me, but I want you to feel good so I will say you look amazing.
5. Oh good, you look well, one less thing to worry about.

I think the problem is that everyone will claim they are saying #1 (honest) or #4 (kind), but sometimes it's #3 (resentful/jealous) or #5 (selfish). #2 cuts both ways -- this is either kind because hey it's better than saying you look like crap, or it's obnoxious because you can tell they mean it as a backhanded compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you just stay home? You sound anti-social and easily annoyed by people. I had a baby seven months ago and loved all the compliments!

You remind me of my mom when I complained about street harassment. "When you're old you'll look back fondly on it." Well I'm 40 and I'm still waiting.

Yeah street harassment by leering men and complimenting a post partum mom are totally the same thing.

It's exactly the same in that the harasser/complimenter feel their attention should be held with universal flattery.

No. I got compliments from people I chose to socialize with (and I believe them because yes I did lose the postpartum weight relatively quickly). I've been subjected to street harassment (lived in the mideast for years) and it is absolutely not the same.

Ok? And some people like random attention from strange men, like my mother. It's still not appropriate to shotgun spray uninvited comments about body appearance.

I don't think you or your mother have actually been catcalled, or you would have known what it feels like to be unsafe in that moment. I love my family and friends and when I was postpartum I appreciated their support, even if it wasn't exactly the type of support I preferred. Nothing they say would ever make me feel unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Toxic positivity.

Can you imagine, a woman feels like crap, has PPD, everyone around her: YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Yes, the horror of everyone around you saying nice things to you when you feel sad and crappy. I know when I’m feeling that way it’s much better for my mental health when people either a) ignore me or b) tell me how tired and unwell I look.

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Just want to note I did stay home postpartum and people came to my home and gushed over how thin I was and I didn't like it because I was deeply depressed and when I tried to talk to people about it, they didn't care. But sorry for "bringing my negativity to others" I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you just stay home? You sound anti-social and easily annoyed by people. I had a baby seven months ago and loved all the compliments!

You remind me of my mom when I complained about street harassment. "When you're old you'll look back fondly on it." Well I'm 40 and I'm still waiting.

Yeah street harassment by leering men and complimenting a post partum mom are totally the same thing.

They are symptoms of misogyny and the objectification of women, and ALSO expecting women and girls to take unwanted comments about their looks in stride and without complaint.

There's also the element of "Thank god you look superficially like you're holding to together so I won't have to: 1) offer help 2) have an uncomfortable conversation with your husband about stepping up 3) give unsolicited advice/observation that you don't look like you're coping 4) call CPS etc etc etc etc

You know, this is part of the problem with this conversation. Tone is EVERYTHING here. "You look amazing" to a woman a few weeks postpartum can mean so many things:

1. You actually look amazing, I am stunned by your beauty.
2. You look amazing... for a woman who just had a baby. Meaning you look like crap but maybe a little less like crap than I thought you were going to.
3. You look amazing and I resent you for it because that's not how I look postpartum.
4. How you look is irrelevant to me, but I want you to feel good so I will say you look amazing.
5. Oh good, you look well, one less thing to worry about.

I think the problem is that everyone will claim they are saying #1 (honest) or #4 (kind), but sometimes it's #3 (resentful/jealous) or #5 (selfish). #2 cuts both ways -- this is either kind because hey it's better than saying you look like crap, or it's obnoxious because you can tell they mean it as a backhanded compliment.

Most often it's 6. This is my socially expected statement to acknowledge the birth of a baby by the birthing mother
Great comment, illustrates exactly why it is a landmine and maybe you just shouldn't go there, unless you know she was busting her @ss to get the weight off and she is indeed looking good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

No, you are just not a very social person and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone thrives being around friends and extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

You don’t deserve human contact if you’re going to use those interactions to try to make everyone feel as miserable as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Toxic positivity.

Can you imagine, a woman feels like crap, has PPD, everyone around her: YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Yes, the horror of everyone around you saying nice things to you when you feel sad and crappy. I know when I’m feeling that way it’s much better for my mental health when people either a) ignore me or b) tell me how tired and unwell I look.

/s

Why are the only options saying "oh my god you look amazing" or ignoring you or insulting you?

How about "Hey, how are you doing? You look like you are handling all of this great but I know sometimes looks are deceiving -- I'm here for you either way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Toxic positivity.

Can you imagine, a woman feels like crap, has PPD, everyone around her: YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Yes, the horror of everyone around you saying nice things to you when you feel sad and crappy. I know when I’m feeling that way it’s much better for my mental health when people either a) ignore me or b) tell me how tired and unwell I look.

/s

If someone has PPD a trivial comment about their looks is like giving a starving person a single Cheerio

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Toxic positivity.

Can you imagine, a woman feels like crap, has PPD, everyone around her: YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Yes, the horror of everyone around you saying nice things to you when you feel sad and crappy. I know when I’m feeling that way it’s much better for my mental health when people either a) ignore me or b) tell me how tired and unwell I look.

/s

Why are the only options saying "oh my god you look amazing" or ignoring you or insulting you?

How about "Hey, how are you doing? You look like you are handling all of this great but I know sometimes looks are deceiving -- I'm here for you either way."

No, you can't do that! They might say "Actually, I'm really *NOT* coping, can you take this kid for four hours so I can have a f----king nap?" because all these positive not-depressed amazing DCUM people actually don't want to be asked to do something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

You don’t deserve human contact if you’re going to use those interactions to try to make everyone feel as miserable as you do.

Everyone deserves human contact but ESPECIALLY a woman who recently gave birth and is struggling emotionally.

But good job making this all about you and your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

You don’t deserve human contact if you’re going to use those interactions to try to make everyone feel as miserable as you do.

You totally don't sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

No, you are just not a very social person and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone thrives being around friends and extended family.

Sorry, you don't get to dictate how other people experience socialization, you control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

Toxic positivity.

Can you imagine, a woman feels like crap, has PPD, everyone around her: YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Yes, the horror of everyone around you saying nice things to you when you feel sad and crappy. I know when I’m feeling that way it’s much better for my mental health when people either a) ignore me or b) tell me how tired and unwell I look.

/s

Why are the only options saying "oh my god you look amazing" or ignoring you or insulting you?

How about "Hey, how are you doing? You look like you are handling all of this great but I know sometimes looks are deceiving -- I'm here for you either way."

No, you can't do that! They might say "Actually, I'm really *NOT* coping, can you take this kid for four hours so I can have a f----king nap?" because all these positive not-depressed amazing DCUM people actually don't want to be asked to do something

Exactly. The "I was just being NICE take the damn compliment" people aren't mad because they were paying you a genuine compliment. They are mad because they just wanted to escape this interaction without having to think or feel or relate to anyone and UGH you made it so hard by having needs.