Rant: “you look amazing”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

Her needs ARE unreasonable when directed at casual "you look great" interactions. The neighbor you encounter at the pool is not obliged to be your psychologist, and is just looking to have a mild, friendly interaction. If OP is having a heart-to-heart with her best friend or her DH, then it might be appropriate for her to unpeel her stinky onion, but leveling these how-dare-you accusations at acquaintances who failed to properly read OP's mind is ridiculous. Save the venom for people who actually intended to do something mean, rather than people who intended to be kind.

[Anonymous]

I just would love for people not to comment on other people’s bodies, positively or negatively, unless they are a medical professional and the comments are related to a health concern. I understand this person was trying to be nice but find something else to say. I too have a similar story of intense PPA meaning that was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at my scar check appointment two weeks post partum. I honestly will never understand why that wasn’t a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Humblebrag

+1

Come back when people ask you how many months has it been...you STILL have some of your baby weight in your face and around there.

Agree OP. Yes, stop commenting on peoples' bodies.

[Anonymous]

Sequel to this thread:

"I dropped my post-partum weight in record time and NO ONE complimented me. I feel so hurt and unseen."


People can't win with OP et al. You need to be validated, but only in the right way, at the right time, and you can't tell others exactly how you want your validation, because you don't want them to know you desperately crave attention, so they have to guess, and if they guess wrong, they're the WORST SORT OF WOMAN-HATER.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. This is not about being postpartum but I had a colleague once comment on my body in front of my boss, and it made me really uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

Her needs ARE unreasonable when directed at casual "you look great" interactions. The neighbor you encounter at the pool is not obliged to be your psychologist, and is just looking to have a mild, friendly interaction. If OP is having a heart-to-heart with her best friend or her DH, then it might be appropriate for her to unpeel her stinky onion, but leveling these how-dare-you accusations at acquaintances who failed to properly read OP's mind is ridiculous. Save the venom for people who actually intended to do something mean, rather than people who intended to be kind.

WHY is some neighbor at the pool commenting on the postpartum body of someone who just had a kid?! I mean, jfc, it is not too much to ask people to just refrain from making assessments on your body. It's none of her business. How about "Oh hey, good to see you! How is the new baby? That's wonderful, congratulations. Ok, well enjoy the pool. See you around!" Why does the state of OP's body need to be raised at all?

The point is that no assessment needs to be made about OP's (or any woman's body) at all. Sure, people might notice she lost the baby weight, or even think she's looking well for having had a baby recently. That is a *private observation* you do not need to vocalize. You want to pay a compliment? Say "that is a cute bathing suit" or "I like your shoes." You do not need to remind a woman that everyone is looking at her body and comparing it to the way it looks a few months ago and the way it looked a year ago and drawing conclusions about her health and fitness based on those assessments.

You get men don't have to deal with this, right? No one walked up to my husband when our kid was a baby to tell him in a congratulatory voice, "oh man, you are looking really amazing, dude. Good job. I would never have thought looking at you that your wife just had a baby." That is some condescending BS right there.

Other people's bodies are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Sequel to this thread:

"I dropped my post-partum weight in record time and NO ONE complimented me. I feel so hurt and unseen."


People can't win with OP et al. You need to be validated, but only in the right way, at the right time, and you can't tell others exactly how you want your validation, because you don't want them to know you desperately crave attention, so they have to guess, and if they guess wrong, they're the WORST SORT OF WOMAN-HATER.

Complimenting a person on their weight loss is not "seeing" them. It's seeing their weight. I know people complain about not being validated for their weight loss but I actually think this is part of realizing that being thinner does not actually heal what are actually emotional wounds. People need to feel validated for who they are as people, not how they look.

It IS a thorny issue, because as a society we put way too much pressure on women to look a certain way and are especially critical of how women look after having children. So a lot of women have a lot of insecurities on this issue. But that does not mean we need to feed the insecurities by constantly commenting on women's bodies. It means we need to stop fixating on physical appearance as a proxy for emotional well being. That's what OP is asking for -- for people to care about her emotional well being an not to get stuck on who well they think she looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Sequel to this thread:

"I dropped my post-partum weight in record time and NO ONE complimented me. I feel so hurt and unseen."


People can't win with OP et al. You need to be validated, but only in the right way, at the right time, and you can't tell others exactly how you want your validation, because you don't want them to know you desperately crave attention, so they have to guess, and if they guess wrong, they're the WORST SORT OF WOMAN-HATER.

This is an awful lot of words and pictures to try to excuse not following the most basic of good manners which is “don’t comment on the appearance of another person” which is something I expect my three year old to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Sequel to this thread:

"I dropped my post-partum weight in record time and NO ONE complimented me. I feel so hurt and unseen."


People can't win with OP et al. You need to be validated, but only in the right way, at the right time, and you can't tell others exactly how you want your validation, because you don't want them to know you desperately crave attention, so they have to guess, and if they guess wrong, they're the WORST SORT OF WOMAN-HATER.

But there is a right and wrong answer here. Do not comment on bodies and weight. Stop the cycle that leads to people needing their bodies validated in the first place.

It’s really pretty simple and it’s not confusing at all. You’re making it like there’s some mystery when someone could literally walk up to a postpartum woman and say “how are you doing? How has it been going?” And then just listen and not be insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord, so many whiny snowflakes on this thread who expect to be catered to!

I had zero expectations from people when I was post-partum (twice). When people said nice things to me, I took them at face value, in the spirit they were meant, and said thank you. No further thought or agonizing necessary! I had babies to care for.

You are not the center of the universe. People are not thinking about you day and night, crafting the most sensitive comment in preparation of the next time they see you.

STOP IT WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME.

Sounds like you have a full main character storyline for yourself….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's crazy people are defending this. If you are looking for things to say to a new mom, here are some things that have nothing to do with how much weight she has lost or how hot she looks:

1. How are you feeling? How is it going?
2. I'm so thrilled for you, I know you're going to make a great mom.
3. Would you like something to eat?
4. Do you need a break?
5. I'm so happy to see you.

+1

And if you're some random dad at the pool why don’t we add:

1. Hey can I get that bag/stroller/floaty for you?
2. Do you like the new chairs?
3. The new baby is so big/cute/happy/sleepy.
4. What are you drinking?

This isn’t some arcane mystery of the ages this is being a polite adult outdoors ffs.

[Anonymous]

And this is why I will never say anything unless i know the person really, really well. If fear to insult you with my compliments and idle chit chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's crazy people are defending this. If you are looking for things to say to a new mom, here are some things that have nothing to do with how much weight she has lost or how hot she looks:

1. How are you feeling? How is it going?
2. I'm so thrilled for you, I know you're going to make a great mom.
3. Would you like something to eat?
4. Do you need a break?
5. I'm so happy to see you.

+1

And if you're some random dad at the pool why don’t we add:

1. Hey can I get that bag/stroller/floaty for you?
2. Do you like the new chairs?
3. The new baby is so big/cute/happy/sleepy.
4. What are you drinking?

This isn’t some arcane mystery of the ages this is being a polite adult outdoors ffs.

Dp Yeah no. I'm not doing any of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

Well then if I said "you look great" and the person came back and said "I'm struggling with X, Y and Z" I would say " how can I help?" But, to assume that every comment is meant to sting is wrong. We are all human and going to get things wrong. Why can't we have some grace? This is the reason I don't engage because i don't want to make the wrong move.

[Anonymous]

OP's ire should be directed at the real culprits, ppl close to her who ignore her followup: I don't feel great.

There's no need to blast the general public for a simple greeting that's meant as a compliment.