Rant: “you look amazing”

[Anonymous]

Why is it that in today’s world, every comment on every topic has to be over analyzed to death?

What happened to simply saying thank you. People are probably just trying to say something they thought was kind. Not everyone wants to engage in a lengthy talk about how tired someone is. For those of us who have been there done that, we know you’re tired. Maybe they just wanted to make you feel good since you’re in the throes of newborn life.

Everyone is so uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that in today’s world, every comment on every topic has to be over analyzed to death?

What happened to simply saying thank you. People are probably just trying to say something they thought was kind. Not everyone wants to engage in a lengthy talk about how tired someone is. For those of us who have been there done that, we know you’re tired. Maybe they just wanted to make you feel good since you’re in the throes of newborn life.

Everyone is so uptight.

No, just OP.

[Anonymous]

Hormonal moms will have irrational reactions to whatever you say, so say whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP.

The only way my daughter slept in the first three months was if I walked her. So I walked her. For miles every day. And when I wasn’t walking I was nursing. And then my OB said what a “great job” I had done being under my pre-pregnancy weight at six weeks (I was a normal pre-pregnancy weight I had no need to be lower…) and then scolded me when she measured my blood pressure (dangerously low). Pick one lady. Society’s obsessive and reflexive notion that slim=perfect is dangerous to women.

Very similar experience. I dropped weight very quickly after giving birth because of nursing and a lot of pressure from family to be very active (tons of pressure to entertain and visit people so they could meet the baby, and my husband was very antsy on parental leave and would get annoyed if we were just hanging out around the house so kept pushing me to go out and do things). My weight loss was seen as impressive and positive by everyone around me, like "oh good for you, you must be so thrilled."

But really I was struggling with my mood and also obviously having a hard time asserting my own needs (which actually were to be more sedentary at home with the baby, who did not actually need all this activity). Everyone saw my weight loss as a sign of good health but it was actually a sign of other issues, and no one cared about those issues.

It's this distorted thinking that ignores other signs of health (or illness) in favor of fixation on weight, especially in women and especially after childbirth. I would actually have been much healthier if I'd retained more of the baby weight but taken better care of my mental health and had more support from family and friends to do what felt right to me, instead of pressure to do what other people wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very weird and disturbing how obsessed our society is regarding women’s bodies, ESPECIALLY pregnant and postpartum women.

There are only winners and losers.

I get it OP. It’s gross.

Our bodies are our selves. They will never be not important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. You probably don't look all that amazing.But people are trying to be nice to you.

Why don't you say something like thanks, I don't feel so amazing and tell them how you Are actually doing

I did this and people just glide right past it. "But you LOOK great!" and no follow up questions about why you don't actually feel very good.

I feel like I had to fight really hard to get my postpartum depression treated in part because everyone around me seemed to just assume I was blissfully happy and didn't believe me when I told them, directly, I was really struggling. They couldn't hear it.

This is the real issue. People don't want to acknowledge or alleviate other people's suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Op you are the reason people no longer compliment others. I'm sorry your feelings are wounded. Not sorry.

[Anonymous]

I agree. People need to stop.

People made comments about how thin I was, and I was sick with a digestive disorder. I did not need the comments to remind of this fact.

I hope people stop making comments about your body. It is never okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

+100

The woman who had the baby does not need her friend’s husbands commenting on her stomach!

[Anonymous]

Yeah I keep getting comments on how I don't look like I had 3 kids. Why is there this implication that women get fat after babies? I'm uncomfortable and find it hard to say thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. You probably don't look all that amazing.But people are trying to be nice to you.

Why don't you say something like thanks, I don't feel so amazing and tell them how you Are actually doing

I did this and people just glide right past it. "But you LOOK great!" and no follow up questions about why you don't actually feel very good.

I feel like I had to fight really hard to get my postpartum depression treated in part because everyone around me seemed to just assume I was blissfully happy and didn't believe me when I told them, directly, I was really struggling. They couldn't hear it.

This is the real issue. People don't want to acknowledge or alleviate other people's suffering.

Yup, and the people complaining that OP is being unfair because "people are just trying to be nice" are mad because what OP is actually asking for is genuine emotional support from her loved ones during a difficult time. And they want to be able to say "You look amazing!" because they think that's what all new moms want to hear, and then leave and not think about that person anymore.

A lot of people have just abandoned the idea that a new mother needs to be cared for in a special way. This used to be part of our cultural story but we've dropped it in favor of the new mom who "bounces back" and doesn't need any special attention or support. She's pumping milk at th office, she's back at the gym as soon as her doctor clears her, she's having sex with her husband as soon as the stitches heal. That's our modern image of new motherhood -- fit and happy and productive, but with a cool new baby accessory!

That's not how it feels for a lot of us and it sucks that this is the expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP, you are setting impossible expectations for ordinary human interaction. If you think you are surrounded by misogynistic villains every time someone looks for something positive to say, you have a problem. Get off DCUM, take a breath, and go see a doctor. You're only hurting yourself.

OR we could encourage more people to think about a postpartum mom as someone in a vulnerable position who needs better support than just being told she looks great. OP is obviously struggling emotionally and the people around her are just focusing on her appearance. OP's complaint is that she needs the people around her to look past appearance to something deeper. That's not an unreasonable request, actually. She's asking for what she needs and you're telling her that her needs are unreasonable.

+100

The woman who had the baby does not need her friend’s husbands commenting on her stomach!

+200, do people really not get how gross it is for people to be assessing a new mom's body in this way, even when they are "complimentary"? These are not genuine compliments. These are backhanded ways of saying "oh good job, I thought you'd still be fat from your pregnancy and you're not, what a relief for everyone." It is grotesque.

[Anonymous]

Dear Lord, so many whiny snowflakes on this thread who expect to be catered to!

I had zero expectations from people when I was post-partum (twice). When people said nice things to me, I took them at face value, in the spirit they were meant, and said thank you. No further thought or agonizing necessary! I had babies to care for.

You are not the center of the universe. People are not thinking about you day and night, crafting the most sensitive comment in preparation of the next time they see you.

STOP IT WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME.

[Anonymous]

It's crazy people are defending this. If you are looking for things to say to a new mom, here are some things that have nothing to do with how much weight she has lost or how hot she looks:

1. How are you feeling? How is it going?
2. I'm so thrilled for you, I know you're going to make a great mom.
3. Would you like something to eat?
4. Do you need a break?
5. I'm so happy to see you.