DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

No it’s not what’s implied because you have messed up the order. OP already made the decision and stayed home. By definition she is saying that wasn’t as good as being able to brag to her friends about her job.

Not really. Why so harsh on this OP? Life is more complicated than this. She could be glad she stayed home with her kids and also be wistful about the road not taken and have feelings about it when in a setting with college peers.

This. and maybe this feeling that she is having is telling her that she might want to engage in something besides home life. It doesn't have to be full-time work. Their family certainly doesn't need her income. But maybe there is an intellectual project she work on that will fulfill that part of her -- the part that felt too embarrassed to attend the reunion. It's never too late, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

I'm a woman and in my experience women are more "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". You might feel like her successes are yours (like OP's husband says) but is she as eager to attribute her success to you? That's not my experience when speaking with girl friends.

DP. This is interesting. I am the breadwinner, and at times have been the sole breadwinner. I would say that my career success would not have been as easy (and maybe not possible) if DH still worked the way he did when I met him. I would say that the money I earned is our money. But you are right, there is something odd to me about saying my career success is his success. Also I completely bristle when SAHMs use the collective pronoun to discuss their husbands careers, promotions, raises, etc.

I think you said it well. My husband and I both work. Sometimes he out-earns me, sometimes I out-earn him, but we're always within about $100-150K of each other. Our money is joint, but I don't consider our professional successes to be. I don't have some sort of issue with it, I love my husband, but I get promotions at work because of the work I do. Sure, maybe him making dinner for that month is what allowed me to spend more time working on the project, but at the end of the day it was my work. We support each other when we're busy, but I find the idea of taking credit something he designed as an engineer to be weird. I couldn't have done it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

Woukd you say the same if the roles were reversed ?

Be honest

DP but obviously! And quite frankly the average man living OP’s dream life would be thrilled and not ashamed to say so.

I think this statement is completely false

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

Isn’t that what LLC are for? Hiding money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Is work really that fulfilling? My husband is a high earner and would quit in a heartbeat if his employer stopped paying him.

A lot of posters on here overly glamorize and emphasize career success like it’s really that meaningful.

I’ve had a successful career but still wouldn’t feel unfulfilled if I’d stayed home with kids.

But we’re not talking about everybody we’re talking about OP, She clearly feels unfulfilled. She needs to take credit for her husband‘s work to feel fulfilled

Grandmothers used to say things like “The grass isn’t greener on the other side” when these sort of wistful reveries pop up.

Just because OP feels [unclear—whatever other posters have projected onto her?] when she runs into an old classmate or pokes around on social media doesn’t mean it’s true.

She’s clearly feeling unfulfilled. I’m not saying she should go to work. But she should do something to make herself feel fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is a good idea in general, not just in case of infidelity or divorce. My dad passed away when I was a teenager and I remember my mom, who did work outside the home but was not the primary on handling family finances, struggling for a while to get a handle on what accounts were where, etc. She got a handle on it, but it took a few months, and added to the stress when she had just lost her spouse. My wife and i keep a document with account numbers, passwords, phone numbers, etc. that we update occasionally, just in case. We were calling it the "death document", but that felt a little morbid, so now it is just the "financial accounts document" or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

Yes and imagine how much more fulfilling one’s life would be with a career like THAT versus an adoring spouse who makes millions of dollars!!

Rather than waste you life enjoying your own family you could have the ultimate satisfaction of helping to destroy OTHER families for money!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

[Anonymous]

I think your sacrifice made his career success easier.

But you can't claim his career or your children's accomplishments as your own. You can't put it on your resume.

There's no shame in being a SAHM so I'm curious why you're embarrassed.

Were you someone who used to look down on sahms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

Woukd you say the same if the roles were reversed ?

Be honest

DP but obviously! And quite frankly the average man living OP’s dream life would be thrilled and not ashamed to say so.

I think this statement is completely false

Well I think that statement is completely true. Looks like we’re at an impasse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am you, but it sounds like you may be a bit younger than I am. My kids are now HS/college.

A few thoughts... you have to stop caring what other people think, like, at all. Maybe you are too young to feel that way now, but it will come. Also, it's not necessarily about what YOU want... it's about what's best for your family. At least that's how I think about it. I've always thought of my family as a unit... not just DH, not just the kids, not only myself, but us as a unit together. I also have a special needs child, so that has come into the mix. If DH did not have such a high paying job and there was any question that more money would help, I'd be out there working and contributing financially to the family. In my (and your) case, that's not where I'm most needed though. No, I am not "responsible" for DH's success. To me, that's a sort of ridiculous way to think of it. I am true to myself, knowing I'm where I'm meant to be, which is the most important thing, really.

For a long time, I thought I'd go back to work as my kids got older. I was not at peace not working, as at one point career was a huge part of my identity and something I loved, and it was easier to reconcile thinking I was on break. When people used to ask me about it, I'd say I was considering going back in a year or two. Now, although I truly do think it's never too late to go back to work... as I get older, my priorities change and a slower way of life is starting to sound more enticing.

I don't want to get into a stay home/working mom debate... but I'd suggest you do some soul searching and really ask yourself what feels right? And if it's exactly what you're doing, keep doing that and don't worry about what people will think at your college reunion. You don't owe them anything, nor do you have anything to prove to them. Ignore the nuanced comments about why you would not work... they're in the same category as everyone asking the single 30 year old women when she's going to get married, or the childless 35 year old when she's going to have kids. The post by the SMBC resonates with me in that you can't please all of the people all of the time... so focus on yourself and forget about everyone else outside of your immediate family. Other than them, there's really no reason to try to please anyone else any of the time.

NP
This is SO true and it applies to anyone who is objectively content with all things except for how they are perceived. There will always be someone who will judge you and another who will judge the opposite choice in all areas of life.

I had to be exposed to extreme judgment and it did a number on my esteem until time passed and I realized how utterly miserably the life of the one passing judgment was (awful marriage, terribly behaved kid, always cranky/bitter) and I let someone so miserable make me feel bad about life that I otherwise enjoyed. If you're relishing in the taste of an ice cream sundae, don't let someone guilt you for it because misery loves company.

With age and the issues coming to a head, I know there is no sense worrying about that road not taken if you only wanted to take it for acceptance or glory. Your distress or disappointment in not impressing acquaintances will steal joy from your family, don't let that happen! This can apply to the wohms who ever feel guilt while otherwise doing really well for their family, enjoy what your happy life is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

Yes and imagine how much more fulfilling one’s life would be with a career like THAT versus an adoring spouse who makes millions of dollars!!

Rather than waste you life enjoying your own family you could have the ultimate satisfaction of helping to destroy OTHER families for money!!!

I don't drive high conflict litigation, I advocate for abused women and children. I feel very satisfied with the work I've done over the years because it has substantially bettered people's lives at a time when they were very vulnerable and desperately in need of an ally - a time when their families had been destroyed by a cheating partner, or a partner with a raging substance use disorder, or a partner who had engaged in financial infidelity, and had done so while cruelly emotionally and/or physically abusing his wife and/or kids.

I didn't destroy families - I helped hurt people be safe and somewhat secure after a beast ripped through their lives.