DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Being a SAHM means the working spouse never takes a day off for sick kids, orthodontist appts, random school holidays, etc. I did all the groceries, housework, bills, emotional and logistical support for very busy kids. If he had to share in those duties, it would have affected his career. He would have climbed the ladder, but I gave up my chance to do so as well. He benefited from my sacrifices. I could have done what he did, but he could not have done what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

[Anonymous]

I hear that this bothers you, but as a woman in your reverse position (breadwinner, husband scaled way back after kids, etc), your post sounds like bragging. Yes, you have all those house, and unlike me you didn't even need to go out and struggle and work to get much of the material things you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

Most of us wouldn't. It's liberating to just ENJOY life and not give a rat's poop what nasty people like you think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

That’s the problem. I was ambitious. I was career oriented. I used to work 60+ hours per week when I had my first child. Those hours weren’t sustainable. I took a lateral less demanding less paying job when I had my second child but the job was not satisfying. It was just a job to have a job. I kept cutting down and stayed home when we had our third child.

NP. I hear you, OP, but: this might have changed even if you hadn't met/married your husband. I was top of the class, top college, top law school, BigLaw, etc. and always chasing the next step up. I met and married my husband, who is not extremely rich or ambitious, and am the higher earner in our household (not in an extremely uneven way, but SAH is not really on the table). Now I find myself following homestead Instagram accounts and fantasizing about buying a bunch of land somewhere and getting some chickens and raising my kids away from the grind of DC. I was very ambitious and career oriented, and now I work because bills need to be paid and this is my role in the family. It's not that I hit the limit of my potential (I'm GC at a tech company now, doing pretty well by most metrics), it's that I simply don't care about making more money or being more recognized in the same way that I used to.

If I went to a college reunion I don't think I'd be trying to evaluate who had achieved the most in their professional arena. I'd be trying to catch up with people and see who is doing well and happy with life in general, and it seems like you are. Lean in to *that*.

[Anonymous]

In a similar position, OP, and you just have to get comfortable with your decisions and the life you live. There will always be haters like the PP who is ‘personally not a fan of SAHP’. Find the things that make you happy, get involved in worthwhile causes and enjoy the time you get to spend with your husband and children. It is fleeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a similar position, OP, and you just have to get comfortable with your decisions and the life you live. There will always be haters like the PP who is ‘personally not a fan of SAHP’. Find the things that make you happy, get involved in worthwhile causes and enjoy the time you get to spend with your husband and children. It is fleeting.

Yep. It can all change. So enjoy it while you can. Kids grown up. Spouses die. You are lucky that you have a successful family. Enjoy it. Some people don’t get to do that.

[Anonymous]

Also, you need to really internalize that there is no perfect set-up or way to live a life. Only trade-offs. Be happy to have choices.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what YOU consider success for yourself. If you are resentful, no millions can solve that. I know I could never be a stay at home mom, and I also know if that's what I wanted, no one could talk me out of it. You have KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, before you can "self-actualize" or be happy, or content, or whatever you want to call it.

Sure, you are living a better life than 99.99% of humanity. But that doesn't mean that you can't improve your experience by pursuing a passion, whether in a career now, or a bit later, or some other cause.

Hopefully you're not a troll..

[Anonymous]

no insight to your situation- but every time I see a man at work get a promotion or award I think, "who is supporting him to make it so he can take a 1-month detail at another location/position, work til 9 etc.". "What did his wife give up so that he could shine." Just mildly infuriating.

Just bc the OP has a great life doesn't mean she can't mourn what she gave up; we all have our trade-offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s right. Would you rather be working all the time and have nannies raising your kids? Should like you found a winner.

It's not so black and white. I lucked out and found a flexible job I enjoy doing. I work full time, but not "all the time", I can drive to therapy and attend school functions. I do outsource housekeeping but I don't enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no insight to your situation- but every time I see a man at work get a promotion or award I think, "who is supporting him to make it so he can take a 1-month detail at another location/position, work til 9 etc.". "What did his wife give up so that he could shine." Just mildly infuriating.

Just bc the OP has a great life doesn't mean she can't mourn what she gave up; we all have our trade-offs.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't necessarily like the phrasing, but agree with the idea. DH and I both have made career adjustments at times in order for the other to get ahead in their career. DH wouldn't be where he is without some of my sacrifices and support, and vice versa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

That’s the problem. I was ambitious. I was career oriented. I used to work 60+ hours per week when I had my first child. Those hours weren’t sustainable. I took a lateral less demanding less paying job when I had my second child but the job was not satisfying. It was just a job to have a job. I kept cutting down and stayed home when we had our third child.

Assuming all your kids are now in school, is there not something you could do during your days that would be using that ambition and seeking your own success and fulfillment? It doesn't have to be a full on career but something that lets you set your own goals and have your own successes?

[Anonymous]

Your husband’s work success is not your success, but you should go to your reunion and be proud of the life you lead. You made choices that were consistent with your values and live a great life. Own the decisions you have made and be proud of who you are!