DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

[Anonymous]

Not for one second do I think I can do what he does not can he do what I do.

I’d be just as successful without him and he’d be just a successful without me.

I have a really good friend whose son is a doctor and she thought she was the greatest mom on earth and that because of that he was a doctor. Then came child number two and she realized I raised them the same but this one isn’t quite working out Is it her fault?

She told me it was a big wake up call and that maybe she had been a little too smug.

No you are responsible for your success and he’s responsible for yours. Your children are responsible for their success.

Why would you even want to take credit for someone else’s success?

Really awful people do that at work all the time why would you want to be one of those people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://qz.com/work/1607995/most-men-in-the-top-1-of-us-earners-have-a-spouse-who-stays-home


Same thing happened to us. I was the higher earner early on, then we both were climbing the ladder. Had kids, the travel became too much (mine more so) and I quit. DH's career took off like crazy and now he earns $1m+/yr. He says the same as your DH. He also frequently asks for help on work stuff--help as in running ideas past me, reviewing docs, etc. So I suppose in some ways it's our success?

Sure. Just keep telling yourself that. No matter how you look at it, it sets women back. It always will.

You sound like a bitter cow with neither a fulfilling career nor a successfu and lovingl husband. Please do come back and tell us all about how your career in BigLaw and your wonderful DH who makes 8 figures or whatever. I'm sure we'll all believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Brag alert!!!

Yes, obviously as a family unit you are all very successful in many ways - humility is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Is work really that fulfilling? My husband is a high earner and would quit in a heartbeat if his employer stopped paying him.

A lot of posters on here overly glamorize and emphasize career success like it’s really that meaningful.

I’ve had a successful career but still wouldn’t feel unfulfilled if I’d stayed home with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for one second do I think I can do what he does not can he do what I do.

I’d be just as successful without him and he’d be just a successful without me.

I have a really good friend whose son is a doctor and she thought she was the greatest mom on earth and that because of that he was a doctor. Then came child number two and she realized I raised them the same but this one isn’t quite working out Is it her fault?

She told me it was a big wake up call and that maybe she had been a little too smug.

No you are responsible for your success and he’s responsible for yours. Your children are responsible for their success.

Why would you even want to take credit for someone else’s success?

Really awful people do that at work all the time why would you want to be one of those people?

Also, I’d like to add, don’t you do amazing things all day long?

Are you a great cook? Is your house beautiful?

Can’t you find things in your life that you’re proud of? Because I find that weird if you can’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Is work really that fulfilling? My husband is a high earner and would quit in a heartbeat if his employer stopped paying him.

A lot of posters on here overly glamorize and emphasize career success like it’s really that meaningful.

I’ve had a successful career but still wouldn’t feel unfulfilled if I’d stayed home with kids.

But we’re not talking about everybody we’re talking about OP, She clearly feels unfulfilled. She needs to take credit for her husband‘s work to feel fulfilled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
99.99% of people would be THRILLED to have your life, have a spouse who says such nice things and recognizes your contributions!

(Also, it's nearly always true, in the sense you supported his professional ambitions, materially, but taking on more family or household duties, and/or psychologically, by being his sounding board and informal adviser.)

I stayed home to care for my child with special needs, but my husband doesn't earn anywhere what yours does and we live in a tiny home with beat-up cars. Just a point of comparison, OP.

My life is sorta similar except I work as a fed. I mean come on. I for sure believe that my husbands job success is partly because of me. Things like “ Yes, you should apply, yes speech sounds good, try this try that, don’t worry I got the kids!”

Assume you are supportive and yes, he couldn’t do it without you.

[Anonymous]

The only solution here is to dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

I don't think proud is the right word. You can be happy. But proud is...odd...

[Anonymous]

Weird brag post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

You should be more embarrassed that your take on SAHMs is so utterly ignorant of the real, day-to-day tasks, interests, plans, and lives of actual living, breathing SAHMs. Even SAHMs whose kids are in school, which is not a Mon-Fri, all day, all year daycare, whatever you might think.

And yeah, you started out arrogantly dissing "SAHPs" as if you're as disdainful of dads as moms, but you quickly reverted to your true colors and started referring to "some women" whose "husband works."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Just stop. It absolutely IS about bragging rights, which is why this arrangement didn’t bother her until she had to wonder what she’d say to her college alums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

No it’s not what’s implied because you have messed up the order. OP already made the decision and stayed home. By definition she is saying that wasn’t as good as being able to brag to her friends about her job.

Not really. Why so harsh on this OP? Life is more complicated than this. She could be glad she stayed home with her kids and also be wistful about the road not taken and have feelings about it when in a setting with college peers.

Apologies - in that comment I didn’t intend to be harsh on the OP. Rather explain why I did not read PP’s comments as an insult to working woman as some read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Is work really that fulfilling? My husband is a high earner and would quit in a heartbeat if his employer stopped paying him.

A lot of posters on here overly glamorize and emphasize career success like it’s really that meaningful.

I’ve had a successful career but still wouldn’t feel unfulfilled if I’d stayed home with kids.

But we’re not talking about everybody we’re talking about OP, She clearly feels unfulfilled. She needs to take credit for her husband‘s work to feel fulfilled

Grandmothers used to say things like “The grass isn’t greener on the other side” when these sort of wistful reveries pop up.

Just because OP feels [unclear—whatever other posters have projected onto her?] when she runs into an old classmate or pokes around on social media doesn’t mean it’s true.