DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Success comes in many forms, having a successful marriage is success, having a successful career is success, being a successful SAHM is success, having a part time flexible career to match your priorities is a success, divorcing a bad spouse is success ... in nutshell, whatever makes you happy is your success. Sacrificing things that make you happy for professional success to impress others isn't success.

If you are okay with your decisions, walk to your reunion with head held high because you are comfortable in your skin and got nothing to proof to others, being human most of them are failures in different ways, everyone should do what's right for them. That being said, you aren't dead yet, do what makes you fulfilled not what makes you successful on paper, many of your classmates would kill to be in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? Your definitely bitter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? You’re definitely bitter.

You need to work on reading comprehension. You have brought in your own issues. That poster did not talking about working mothers. She was talking about OP who has chosen to stay home. It’s not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work.

OP, long time SAHM here with teens. It takes enormous personal strength of character to walk into a gathering where you are the only one not a paycheck and walk out of that gathering feeling whole, centered, and at peace.

But it's worth it to do the hard work of getting to that place where you are about more than money, or power, or pushing papers around a desk all day.

You have a great life. We all want something we don't have that we are not doing, the grass always seems greener, it's human nature.

The bottom line to this internal dilemma is not being at peace with yourself. No job will bring you peace. No paycheck will bring you peace. You bring yourself peace.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? You’re definitely bitter.

You need to work on reading comprehension. You have brought in your own issues. That poster did not talking about working mothers. She was talking about OP who has chosen to stay home. It’s not the same thing.

DP but you're working way too hard to defend a crappy post. That poster was talking about OP who wants to go back to work. And her interpretation of OP wanting to go back to work is that OP regrets spending time with her kids and needs to tell them as much. There's no logical leap here, that's directly what she said. Stop defending it or admit what you're defending, the twisting is getting dumb.

[Anonymous]

I was a military spouse for many years and we were all told explicitly by the husband’s command that “his success if your success” but here’s the thing. Nobody salutes and calls me sir, there are no medals pinned to my chest. I always envied my husband’s ability to have a linear progression in his career, to at least believe that he was moving forward, taking on greater responsibilities and getting more training, learning new skills. Yeah, you get to share the salary and the housing, but at the end of the day he is the only one who is advancing and progressing. I felt like I was standing still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work.

OP, long time SAHM here with teens. It takes enormous personal strength of character to walk into a gathering where you are the only one not a paycheck and walk out of that gathering feeling whole, centered, and at peace.

But it's worth it to do the hard work of getting to that place where you are about more than money, or power, or pushing papers around a desk all day.

You have a great life. We all want something we don't have that we are not doing, the grass always seems greener, it's human nature.

The bottom line to this internal dilemma is not being at peace with yourself. No job will bring you peace. No paycheck will bring you peace. You bring yourself peace.

Yes, those are the only three reasons why people work. You nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

Lol is this really what you think of literally every single woman you meet who has kids in school and doesn’t have a day job?

You’re the one who lacks perspective and needs to get out more! Wild

[Anonymous]

DH should marry his assistant. She'll appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? You’re definitely bitter.

You need to work on reading comprehension. You have brought in your own issues. That poster did not talking about working mothers. She was talking about OP who has chosen to stay home. It’s not the same thing.

DP but you're working way too hard to defend a crappy post. That poster was talking about OP who wants to go back to work. And her interpretation of OP wanting to go back to work is that OP regrets spending time with her kids and needs to tell them as much. There's no logical leap here, that's directly what she said. Stop defending it or admit what you're defending, the twisting is getting dumb.

You are working pretty hard to be offended by something that was not said. To be clear, I am a mother who works. A lot. Some comment on regretting time spent at home does not have any bearing on me, my family, or our choices. I don’t “regret” time at work. Are you that insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? You’re definitely bitter.

You need to work on reading comprehension. You have brought in your own issues. That poster did not talking about working mothers. She was talking about OP who has chosen to stay home. It’s not the same thing.

DP but you're working way too hard to defend a crappy post. That poster was talking about OP who wants to go back to work. And her interpretation of OP wanting to go back to work is that OP regrets spending time with her kids and needs to tell them as much. There's no logical leap here, that's directly what she said. Stop defending it or admit what you're defending, the twisting is getting dumb.

You are working pretty hard to be offended by something that was not said. To be clear, I am a mother who works. A lot. Some comment on regretting time spent at home does not have any bearing on me, my family, or our choices. I don’t “regret” time at work. Are you that insecure?

Weak pivot from 8 posts of "she never said or implied anything like that" to "why do you care what some random says on the internet." :roll:

[Anonymous]

Of course it's not your success. You'll never know what your path would have led to had you remained on it. Just be grateful to the universe that he has, so far, stuck around to share his success with you. And be warned that it's not over. You're one affair away from it all falling apart. Just like you're one heart attack (his) away from it all falling apart. And who is to say that some terrible choices won't be made by those wonderful kids you're feeling smug about?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

It didn’t imply this either. You lack basic reading comprehension ability and you are projecting your own insecurities onto the PP.

She literally said working moms regret spending time with their children if they stayed at home.

It implies that that don’t spend time with our children, which they do.

This doesn’t even make any sense. You also don’t know what “literally” means.

She literally wrote “Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them”

Better? You’re definitely bitter.

You need to work on reading comprehension. You have brought in your own issues. That poster did not talking about working mothers. She was talking about OP who has chosen to stay home. It’s not the same thing.

DP but you're working way too hard to defend a crappy post. That poster was talking about OP who wants to go back to work. And her interpretation of OP wanting to go back to work is that OP regrets spending time with her kids and needs to tell them as much. There's no logical leap here, that's directly what she said. Stop defending it or admit what you're defending, the twisting is getting dumb.

You are working pretty hard to be offended by something that was not said. To be clear, I am a mother who works. A lot. Some comment on regretting time spent at home does not have any bearing on me, my family, or our choices. I don’t “regret” time at work. Are you that insecure?

Weak pivot from 8 posts of "she never said or implied anything like that" to "why do you care what some random says on the internet." :roll:

DP but I sincerely hope you don’t have a job that relies on your brainpower…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

Is work really that fulfilling? My husband is a high earner and would quit in a heartbeat if his employer stopped paying him.

A lot of posters on here overly glamorize and emphasize career success like it’s really that meaningful.

I’ve had a successful career but still wouldn’t feel unfulfilled if I’d stayed home with kids.

I find my job fulfilling. I like that I have a place where I use my brain and solve problems. People rely on me and listen to me and respect me. It's a great feeling to be firing on all cylinders and apply years of experience and make things happen. I am part of an organization that really adds value to the community, which I like. It's just one part of who I am, but I'm glad I have it.

Most reasonably smart people I know who are mid-career or later have gotten to this point where they are no longer just pushing papers or clocking in.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

Yes and imagine how much more fulfilling one’s life would be with a career like THAT versus an adoring spouse who makes millions of dollars!!

Rather than waste you life enjoying your own family you could have the ultimate satisfaction of helping to destroy OTHER families for money!!!

I don't drive high conflict litigation, I advocate for abused women and children. I feel very satisfied with the work I've done over the years because it has substantially bettered people's lives at a time when they were very vulnerable and desperately in need of an ally - a time when their families had been destroyed by a cheating partner, or a partner with a raging substance use disorder, or a partner who had engaged in financial infidelity, and had done so while cruelly emotionally and/or physically abusing his wife and/or kids.

I didn't destroy families - I helped hurt people be safe and somewhat secure after a beast ripped through their lives.

Sure, you “helped” them by dragging on their divorce proceedings for YEARS to keep those huge attorney fees rolling in (your words).

LMAO at you trying to pretend you’re some kind of altruistic do-gooder. Get real.