DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

[Anonymous]

No, but you can’t succeed in everything. It sounds like your reunion problem was mainly vanity. But look, you don’t have to go to your college reunion. It’s not required. Most people go to see friends, not compare career notes.

[Anonymous]

99.99% of people would be THRILLED to have your life, have a spouse who says such nice things and recognizes your contributions!

(Also, it's nearly always true, in the sense you supported his professional ambitions, materially, but taking on more family or household duties, and/or psychologically, by being his sounding board and informal adviser.)

I stayed home to care for my child with special needs, but my husband doesn't earn anywhere what yours does and we live in a tiny home with beat-up cars. Just a point of comparison, OP.

[Anonymous]

Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

[Anonymous]

You have a very fortunate life. It's easy to find the next thing to complain about. In your case you don't feel 100% fulfilled or at least to the degree your husband appears to feel. I'm sure your husband doesn't feel 100% fulfilled either at least in some categories in life. It's easy to complain and hard to be content and grateful.

[Anonymous]

I understand. I am in a similar situation. Had I married someone else, I would have probably been the higher earner. As it is, I stopped working because DH’s job is so demanding. I don’t think of his success as mine, but I am grateful to have an easy life in many ways. The fact is that it is hard to have everything. Especially for women if they have kids. So, focus on the good.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

[Anonymous]

omg go away this is not a real problem. stop. you know it's not bc you made sure to brag extensively in your post. jfc. your real problem is not having any perspective on real issues and if you have time go and maybe volunteer somewhere and get some.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

That’s the problem. I was ambitious. I was career oriented. I used to work 60+ hours per week when I had my first child. Those hours weren’t sustainable. I took a lateral less demanding less paying job when I had my second child but the job was not satisfying. It was just a job to have a job. I kept cutting down and stayed home when we had our third child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

Oh sod off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

+1 At least volunteer, OP. Would give you something to discuss beyond kids.

[Anonymous]

You mad e a choice to earn more through marriage than you’ve ever would have through your career. Own it. You’ll be okay even if you ever divorce.

[Anonymous]

He’s right. Would you rather be working all the time and have nannies raising your kids? Should like you found a winner.