Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean they don’t love or approve enough? Is that just your sense or do they say something? Do you vent to them about the cooking? How would they even know?

Both my sense and comments they have made over the years. And hearing them talking about other guys they meet who are around my age and how great they seem, but never any about DH.

No I don't complain about cooking or housework or anything. They've stayed with us before so they've seen how we do things. And they've asked me and I'm honest, but not in a complaining way.

You wouldn’t answer their nosy questions if your first priority was you husband. I think you low-key resent him for all the things you listed in your OP. So, you complained to mommy and daddy for sympathy. But, low and behold, that backfired because they now hate him based on all the crap you’ve said about him.

+1

+2

My DH was like this early in our marriage, when the kids were small. Emotional immaturity and attention seeking on his part IMHO. He has always had a bit of a bumpy relationship with his parents. Large family with lots of kids where he didn’t get much attention. Anyway- It sure didn’t help my relationship with ILs…we are happily married almost 20yrs (and DH has matured greatly- I’d like to think we both have) but ILs still have a low level dislike for me to this day due to some of the things he shared earlier in our marriage.

This type of thing is no joke, and really does not benefit any party involved (either individual spouse, the kids, extended family). People need to be careful about what marital info they share with family (barring serious issues like abuse & asking for help, etc of course)….family will remember long after any marital issue has been resolved and hold a grudge against the married-in spouse. Hard for them not to- it is their son/daughter who they feel has been “wronged”.

OP, my guess is you made your bed here….this won’t be easy to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

I’m the PP you posed these questions to. I do trust that my son is happy in his relationship, but I feel if his GF truly respected him she would not be so bossy with him, and would care more to ask what he wants, would care more that both of their desires and interests were being met. As I said, I see my son’s flaws in the relationship, too, as he should stand up for these things on his own. I believe you said you have kids although it sounded like they are younger - let’s say one of them has a friend, a best friend, who is always the boss in the relationship and everything the two kids do is focused on the friend’s desires and never your child’s- your child may say this is my “best friend” and be happy in the relationship, but you as their parent won’t want to see them being treated that way.

NP, you are so on the way to being *that* MIL. Really, full stop, you need to give your son credit for being able to make his own choices and know when he's happy and when he's not. None of it is your business - not your son's flaws in the relationship or hers. And in truth, you most likely don't know everything. You can't. My MIL thinks I'm bossy and blames every decision DH makes on me bossing him around, but in fact it's because DH regularly throws me under the bus to take the blame for the decisions we make together that she won't like, which is pretty much all of them because she actually thinks she has the right to judge. We go on vacations where I want to go, because DH leaves 100% of the planning up to me and will not even come up with a single suggestion on where to go, no matter how I nag to give me even the smallest idea. But if you asked MIL, she'd sound just like you. But where we go on vacation or why is not her business. Neither is the type of furniture we buy, our financial arrangements, or what time we go to bed. And yet, she feels compelled to have an opinion on all of this. MYOB! Your son's relationship is not your business. His vacations and trips and dinners are not your business. The problem here is not that your son isn't being treated well, it's that you are butting in where you aren't needed or wanted.

+1000

Would love to hear the girlfriend’s side of this story. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

You don't have a long discussion with your parents. You're a grown up so you don't explain to them how your life works. When they make the comment criticizing your husband, you shut it down and tell them they are clueless and judge your dh harshly. You then get off the phone. Do this enough and you'll extinguish the behavior. They have a right to their opinion but you should not participate in any discussions about it.

You’re missing the point of the OP. When her parents are with them they see him sitting on the couch doing nothing while OP cooks dinner for everyone. You’re acting like they don’t like him because he doesn’t make enough money or he isn’t pedigreed enough but OP said it’s because he’s a man child (never matured, doesn’t really cook, doesn’t clean). My best friend is married to a guy like this. He has an office job that a toddler could do (and he makes very little at it) and comes home in the middle of the day for an hour plus lunch but he’s “so busy” the rest of the day sitting at his desk playing solitaire that he doesn’t make his kids lunches, doesn’t cook any meals for the family, doesn’t clean the house, doesn’t do laundry, has never taken his kids to a doctor/dentist/therapist appointment, and doesn’t take them to sports or other events during the week. Meanwhile my best friend is a teacher, is up every day at 5 am, works nonstop during the day, has her kids after school, and works most nights until late while her husband sits on the couch and watches TV. I think he’s a waste of space but have never said that to her. She complains that he never does anything (recent example is they went out of town for a wedding of his friend, she knew neither the bride nor the groom, yet she was the one who packed, scheduled care for the kids and dogs, and made the entire long weekend trip happen, while he just hopped in the car when it was time to go). But she also posts on social media that he’s the best husband ever and she’s so lucky to have him. It’s not my business because it’s not my marriage but I don’t like him. I listen to her complaints and just try to sympathize (although I don’t get it because I’d never be married to someone like that). Maybe OP’s parents have a harder time because they see their daughter married to a man child and they hate that for her. I could see parents caring more than a friend would.

OP here - dunno why I’m bothering to respond but my DH is actually nothing like the man child that your best friend married. He’s a super involved dad, has an impressive job and does cook and clean (not as much as me but I don’t know why people here on pretending like women don’t typically take on more housework. Have you not read DCUM?). Your friend and her husband sound like losers and you kinda do too, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op might stick up for her DH, I don’t know why everyone is assuming she doesn’t. And I suspect her parents don’t constantly make these comments. But she wants her parents, who she presumably loves and respects, to see all the great things in her DH that she does, and it is hard for her that they don’t share her viewpoint and maybe she even feels that they don’t respect her judgment. I am making assumptions here, but so are all of the posters saying she is the problem for not sticking up for her DH.

She says "I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate."

That clearly demonstrates that she just smiles and nods when these comments come up. Her plate is too full to defend the person she loves and the father of her children to negative nancy's. GMAFB.

Maybe OP likes being put on a pedestal and told no one is good enough for her? Perfect pretty princess on a pedestal, can do no wrong.

OP here - I probably didn't phrase it in the best way, but my point was that I don't want to feel like I need to make it a point to constantly be like "my husband is SO amazing!" just to show my parents that I married a great guy. I don't like to brag about myself either. When they make comments, I do defend him or explain why they're wrong. But if they're otherwise feeling anxious about him, I don't think it's my responsibility to help manage their anxiety or whatever is worrying them about him by gushing about him. Does that make sense?

"Maybe OP likes being put on a pedestal and told no one is good enough for her? Perfect pretty princess on a pedestal, can do no wrong." I have no idea how you reached this conclusion. I said that I don't like negative comments about DH or being told that he's not good enough for me.

OP, I don't think anyone was implying you should gush about him, or try to convince them he's great. By "defend" I think people had something in mind more along the lines of telling them firmly that you do not want to hear negative comments about DH, or that you find their comments unsupportive of your choices and your marriage, or maybe explain that they are causing you stress by expressing a negative opinion of your family life. All things which should be true.

OP here, thanks, that helpful. I should’ve been better about drawing a line instead of taking it and gritting my teeth and not making it clear I don’t want to hear stuff like that anymore.

[Anonymous]

I think my mom feels this way.

Part of it is that DH's family is less well off and has a lot of dysfunction. I have made the horrible mistake of sharing some things with her and instead of supporting me and him or being empathetic, my mom just judges them and is frankly pretty mean about it. My dad follows suit.

I also think my mom just kind of doesn't vibe with DH as much as she'd like to. But she runs hot and cold so people are either the best or the worst to her. Pick a day.

My dad sees DH for who he is and appreciates him, which I in turn appreciate.

Let it go. You've made your choices and I wish you and your (wonderful!) DH all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my mom feels this way.

Part of it is that DH's family is less well off and has a lot of dysfunction. I have made the horrible mistake of sharing some things with her and instead of supporting me and him or being empathetic, my mom just judges them and is frankly pretty mean about it. My dad follows suit.

I also think my mom just kind of doesn't vibe with DH as much as she'd like to. But she runs hot and cold so people are either the best or the worst to her. Pick a day.

My dad sees DH for who he is and appreciates him, which I in turn appreciate.

Let it go. You've made your choices and I wish you and your (wonderful!) DH all the best.

OP here - yeah in the same boat on the family dysfunction for DH, which my parents would’ve found about it even if I didn’t say anything. It’s nothing major but enough where my parents are judgmental because in their mind, of course no one from a dysfunctional family can turn out fine. Thank you and best wishes as well!

[Anonymous]

OP, the trolls feed on this particular forum in dcum - ignore ignore.

This isn’t uncommon- as a couple of posters have said, it is human nature to be protective of one’s child no matter how old that child is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

You don't have a long discussion with your parents. You're a grown up so you don't explain to them how your life works. When they make the comment criticizing your husband, you shut it down and tell them they are clueless and judge your dh harshly. You then get off the phone. Do this enough and you'll extinguish the behavior. They have a right to their opinion but you should not participate in any discussions about it.

You’re missing the point of the OP. When her parents are with them they see him sitting on the couch doing nothing while OP cooks dinner for everyone. You’re acting like they don’t like him because he doesn’t make enough money or he isn’t pedigreed enough but OP said it’s because he’s a man child (never matured, doesn’t really cook, doesn’t clean). My best friend is married to a guy like this. He has an office job that a toddler could do (and he makes very little at it) and comes home in the middle of the day for an hour plus lunch but he’s “so busy” the rest of the day sitting at his desk playing solitaire that he doesn’t make his kids lunches, doesn’t cook any meals for the family, doesn’t clean the house, doesn’t do laundry, has never taken his kids to a doctor/dentist/therapist appointment, and doesn’t take them to sports or other events during the week. Meanwhile my best friend is a teacher, is up every day at 5 am, works nonstop during the day, has her kids after school, and works most nights until late while her husband sits on the couch and watches TV. I think he’s a waste of space but have never said that to her. She complains that he never does anything (recent example is they went out of town for a wedding of his friend, she knew neither the bride nor the groom, yet she was the one who packed, scheduled care for the kids and dogs, and made the entire long weekend trip happen, while he just hopped in the car when it was time to go). But she also posts on social media that he’s the best husband ever and she’s so lucky to have him. It’s not my business because it’s not my marriage but I don’t like him. I listen to her complaints and just try to sympathize (although I don’t get it because I’d never be married to someone like that). Maybe OP’s parents have a harder time because they see their daughter married to a man child and they hate that for her. I could see parents caring more than a friend would.

OP here - dunno why I’m bothering to respond but my DH is actually nothing like the man child that your best friend married. He’s a super involved dad, has an impressive job and does cook and clean (not as much as me but I don’t know why people here on pretending like women don’t typically take on more housework. Have you not read DCUM?). Your friend and her husband sound like losers and you kinda do too, sorry.

Ha, that's rich that you're calling other people names.

What exactly is your problem, then OP? It sounds like your marriage and your life are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

You don't have a long discussion with your parents. You're a grown up so you don't explain to them how your life works. When they make the comment criticizing your husband, you shut it down and tell them they are clueless and judge your dh harshly. You then get off the phone. Do this enough and you'll extinguish the behavior. They have a right to their opinion but you should not participate in any discussions about it.

You’re missing the point of the OP. When her parents are with them they see him sitting on the couch doing nothing while OP cooks dinner for everyone. You’re acting like they don’t like him because he doesn’t make enough money or he isn’t pedigreed enough but OP said it’s because he’s a man child (never matured, doesn’t really cook, doesn’t clean). My best friend is married to a guy like this. He has an office job that a toddler could do (and he makes very little at it) and comes home in the middle of the day for an hour plus lunch but he’s “so busy” the rest of the day sitting at his desk playing solitaire that he doesn’t make his kids lunches, doesn’t cook any meals for the family, doesn’t clean the house, doesn’t do laundry, has never taken his kids to a doctor/dentist/therapist appointment, and doesn’t take them to sports or other events during the week. Meanwhile my best friend is a teacher, is up every day at 5 am, works nonstop during the day, has her kids after school, and works most nights until late while her husband sits on the couch and watches TV. I think he’s a waste of space but have never said that to her. She complains that he never does anything (recent example is they went out of town for a wedding of his friend, she knew neither the bride nor the groom, yet she was the one who packed, scheduled care for the kids and dogs, and made the entire long weekend trip happen, while he just hopped in the car when it was time to go). But she also posts on social media that he’s the best husband ever and she’s so lucky to have him. It’s not my business because it’s not my marriage but I don’t like him. I listen to her complaints and just try to sympathize (although I don’t get it because I’d never be married to someone like that). Maybe OP’s parents have a harder time because they see their daughter married to a man child and they hate that for her. I could see parents caring more than a friend would.

OP here - dunno why I’m bothering to respond but my DH is actually nothing like the man child that your best friend married. He’s a super involved dad, has an impressive job and does cook and clean (not as much as me but I don’t know why people here on pretending like women don’t typically take on more housework. Have you not read DCUM?). Your friend and her husband sound like losers and you kinda do too, sorry.

Ha, that's rich that you're calling other people names.

What exactly is your problem, then OP? It sounds like your marriage and your life are perfect.

Were you the PP? Your post was so nonsensical that it rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't know what else to say. You made some weird assumptions that were not at all based on what I wrote, and then said "my best friend is married to a guy like this". Yeah, no. Not close.