Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now.

I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care.

That's the problem! Don't CARE. It's that easy to do. You are a grown adult. You left your parents house years ago this is your own life. You can't care anymore what they think. GROW UP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

But it literally is? All you have to do is shut them down when they start droning on and on about how awful your husband is, and yet you dont? So they continue to do it and you continue to listen and make them think this sort of thing is ok? Do you have any loyalty to your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, shame on your family. Their opinion doesn’t matter. They don’t need to express every thought.

Shame on you for not shutting it down.

Agree. Your parents are grown adults, OP. They need to demonstrate some composure and maturity to know when to shut it - starting with speaking negative to you, or anyone else, about your spouse (or any family member, married in, or not). The parents obviously have an M.O. - maybe it is to detract from their horrible selves. How can you trust what they say? Do you think anyone takes them seriously? They seem ill mannered, immature, and not very kind, at all. I am sure whomever your parents spout off to "yeses" them, then talks ill of them when they leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now.

I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care.

That's the problem! Don't CARE. It's that easy to do. You are a grown adult. You left your parents house years ago this is your own life. You can't care anymore what they think. GROW UP.

I'm sorry, but you can't actually be thinking that adults don't care at all about what their parents think, and if they do, that's wrong? And if you have kids, when they grow up, you won't expect them to at least somewhat care/be affected by your opinions? What kind of parents do you have (or what kind of parent are you, if you are one)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

But it literally is? All you have to do is shut them down when they start droning on and on about how awful your husband is, and yet you dont? So they continue to do it and you continue to listen and make them think this sort of thing is ok? Do you have any loyalty to your DH?

I am wondering if OP might be attention seeking - if perhaps OP did not get sufficient parenting and attention from her parents while growing up, but this is a way of trying to get that. Some families are truly messed up, in that manner, even as adult children. Maybe it is time to admit you will never be good enough for them, whether you are the black sheep or the golden child, realize their judgments are completely off, and call your familial relationships dysfunctional, as they seem. In some dysfunctional families, there are those who can do no wrong, and those who can do no right, no matter how backward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now.

I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care.

That's the problem! Don't CARE. It's that easy to do. You are a grown adult. You left your parents house years ago this is your own life. You can't care anymore what they think. GROW UP.

I'm sorry, but you can't actually be thinking that adults don't care at all about what their parents think, and if they do, that's wrong? And if you have kids, when they grow up, you won't expect them to at least somewhat care/be affected by your opinions? What kind of parents do you have (or what kind of parent are you, if you are one)?

Do OP's parents seem like caring parents to her? Why should OP care what they think, if they are loose cannons? DP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

But it literally is? All you have to do is shut them down when they start droning on and on about how awful your husband is, and yet you dont? So they continue to do it and you continue to listen and make them think this sort of thing is ok? Do you have any loyalty to your DH?

I am wondering if OP might be attention seeking - if perhaps OP did not get sufficient parenting and attention from her parents while growing up, but this is a way of trying to get that. Some families are truly messed up, in that manner, even as adult children. Maybe it is time to admit you will never be good enough for them, whether you are the black sheep or the golden child, realize their judgments are completely off, and call your familial relationships dysfunctional, as they seem. In some dysfunctional families, there are those who can do no wrong, and those who can do no right, no matter how backward.

Yes, she likes being put on the pedestal and feeling special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

But it literally is? All you have to do is shut them down when they start droning on and on about how awful your husband is, and yet you dont? So they continue to do it and you continue to listen and make them think this sort of thing is ok? Do you have any loyalty to your DH?

I am wondering if OP might be attention seeking - if perhaps OP did not get sufficient parenting and attention from her parents while growing up, but this is a way of trying to get that. Some families are truly messed up, in that manner, even as adult children. Maybe it is time to admit you will never be good enough for them, whether you are the black sheep or the golden child, realize their judgments are completely off, and call your familial relationships dysfunctional, as they seem. In some dysfunctional families, there are those who can do no wrong, and those who can do no right, no matter how backward.

Yes, she likes being put on the pedestal and feeling special.

PP here. I am not mentioning OP's attention-seeking behavior to be mean or counterproductive. I am saying that OP might have been neglected by her parents, on some (regular) level, and this is OP's way of getting her parents to interact with her. Some parents, no matter how many kids they have (one or ten), might be checked out and not engaging parents, or just not very good at parenting, to a degree. I have seen my DH do it with our kids, and he subconsciously learned the checked out behavior from his parents - DH thought it was normal, until our kids pointed out the behavior to DH. No kid, no matter the age, wants to feel ignored by their parent. [This is especially true if there is parental favoritism and over involvement and enmeshment/codependency with another sibling.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now.

I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care.

You really have to stop caring about their opinions. A mature, healthy parent of an adult child respects them enough to choose their own spouse free of approval. This type also is wise enough to understand that traits which annoy some people are perfectly fine for others. Adults have different needs and priorities. They celebrate their adult kids independence and encourage it.

Immature, pushy parents of adult children don’t understand that their adult child is not a copy or extension of them. They don’t realize that consistent judging and criticizing out loud is inappropriate. They haven’t accepted that they are not in control and dislike their adult child’s independence.

OP you have a set of the latter and need to shut out their rudeness and opinions.

x100000. Your parents are rude and immature, at best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

OP here - lol thank you for the classic DCUM response of "you don't have any problems because you are the problem and also you suck". I'm glad you have an outlet to sh*t on strangers on the internet to make your sad life seem better.

But it literally is? All you have to do is shut them down when they start droning on and on about how awful your husband is, and yet you dont? So they continue to do it and you continue to listen and make them think this sort of thing is ok? Do you have any loyalty to your DH?

I am wondering if OP might be attention seeking - if perhaps OP did not get sufficient parenting and attention from her parents while growing up, but this is a way of trying to get that. Some families are truly messed up, in that manner, even as adult children. Maybe it is time to admit you will never be good enough for them, whether you are the black sheep or the golden child, realize their judgments are completely off, and call your familial relationships dysfunctional, as they seem. In some dysfunctional families, there are those who can do no wrong, and those who can do no right, no matter how backward.

Yes, she likes being put on the pedestal and feeling special.

PP here. I am not mentioning OP's attention-seeking behavior to be mean or counterproductive. I am saying that OP might have been neglected by her parents, on some (regular) level, and this is OP's way of getting her parents to interact with her. Some parents, no matter how many kids they have (one or ten), might be checked out and not engaging parents, or just not very good at parenting, to a degree. I have seen my DH do it with our kids, and he subconsciously learned the checked out behavior from his parents - DH thought it was normal, until our kids pointed out the behavior to DH. No kid, no matter the age, wants to feel ignored by their parent. [This is especially true if there is parental favoritism and over involvement and enmeshment/codependency with another sibling.]

OPs parents dont sound like theyve neglected her, more like spoiled and feel comfortable voicing all sorts of toxic venom to her. But maybe you're right, and somehow sh#tting on her choice of mate is akin to sh#tting on her decision making in general.

Either way, she doesnt need to listen to it, and actively inviting venom into your relationship is never a recipe for success.

[Anonymous]

What would you say if your parents said these sorts of things about your child?

Would you listen to them complain about little Larlo not being charismatic enough? Or would you tell them that's rude AF and to STFU? Are you just a pushover or do you even care about supporting your family?

[Anonymous]

Your parents are out of line here, OP. It’s highly inappropriate of them to criticize your spouse openly, in the absence of abuse or mistreatment. You need to set a boundary; it’s really unfair to your husband, and it’s causing you to doubt him. This is part of being an adult - owning your choices and your life, independent of them.

It’s just so deeply disrespectful of your DH, and you! But somehow you are not seeing that; you’re still valuing their opinion and questioning your relationship - otherwise it wouldn’t be bothering you so much.

Please shut them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

I’m the PP you posed these questions to. I do trust that my son is happy in his relationship, but I feel if his GF truly respected him she would not be so bossy with him, and would care more to ask what he wants, would care more that both of their desires and interests were being met. As I said, I see my son’s flaws in the relationship, too, as he should stand up for these things on his own. I believe you said you have kids although it sounded like they are younger - let’s say one of them has a friend, a best friend, who is always the boss in the relationship and everything the two kids do is focused on the friend’s desires and never your child’s- your child may say this is my “best friend” and be happy in the relationship, but you as their parent won’t want to see them being treated that way.

[Anonymous]

OP, with your family, you take a stand and shut this sh*t down.

No one gets to express themselves if they are being rude. Btw though, what they think (and don't express) is not your business. They are entitled to have any thought they wish.