Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - lol I never said anything about droning on. And it's not some intense dislike of him. More like they don't think he's good enough for me for various reasons, because I'm wonderful in their eyes and he's not. And I do get annoyed/defensive, but I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate.

No you ninny. You should not tolerate their belittling of your husband.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are this way. DH visits them once/yr alone (they live across the country), & kids and I stay home. Has been this way for 10+ years.

[Anonymous]

OP, just tell them how happy you are and how great he is in bed and that will probably shut them up

[Anonymous]

I don't care how great he is, she's my baby. I will ALWAYS be wary. Please give your parents some slack. Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - lol I never said anything about droning on. And it's not some intense dislike of him. More like they don't think he's good enough for me for various reasons, because I'm wonderful in their eyes and he's not. And I do get annoyed/defensive, but I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate.

You list off many things they dont like him about him that they are presumably telling you, relatively often. And you dont mention a single time sticking up for him or telling them how happy you are and how much you love him.

This is a you issue. I'd be pissed if my DH behaved this way to his parents and didnt stick up for me, us or our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op might stick up for her DH, I don’t know why everyone is assuming she doesn’t. And I suspect her parents don’t constantly make these comments. But she wants her parents, who she presumably loves and respects, to see all the great things in her DH that she does, and it is hard for her that they don’t share her viewpoint and maybe she even feels that they don’t respect her judgment. I am making assumptions here, but so are all of the posters saying she is the problem for not sticking up for her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother hates my wife like head lice.

Be thankful for “mixed feelings” and move along with your life.

Your parents (like mine) are pretty crappy for being anything other than supportive and kind about who you chose to marry.

x10000 If your parents do not support or respect your spouse and choices, then they don't support or respect you, OP. You need to stand up to them, or decide that they don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not normal that they make it known that they don’t like him.

+1 Your parents sound like petulant children, OP. Adults know how to be polite, and not blab their negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op might stick up for her DH, I don’t know why everyone is assuming she doesn’t. And I suspect her parents don’t constantly make these comments. But she wants her parents, who she presumably loves and respects, to see all the great things in her DH that she does, and it is hard for her that they don’t share her viewpoint and maybe she even feels that they don’t respect her judgment. I am making assumptions here, but so are all of the posters saying she is the problem for not sticking up for her DH.

She says "I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate."

That clearly demonstrates that she just smiles and nods when these comments come up. Her plate is too full to defend the person she loves and the father of her children to negative nancy's. GMAFB.

Maybe OP likes being put on a pedestal and told no one is good enough for her? Perfect pretty princess on a pedestal, can do no wrong.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. My in-laws are very middle class and didn’t hide that they preferred one of their SILs who is an outgoing, talkative salesman over me, an introverted lawyer from an UMC background. I didn’t mind because I knew they thought I was a snob yet I wasn’t prepared to completely change my personality just to make them feel better. When one of their other kids went through a bad divorce, I rose in their estimation, and that was good enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op might stick up for her DH, I don’t know why everyone is assuming she doesn’t. And I suspect her parents don’t constantly make these comments. But she wants her parents, who she presumably loves and respects, to see all the great things in her DH that she does, and it is hard for her that they don’t share her viewpoint and maybe she even feels that they don’t respect her judgment. I am making assumptions here, but so are all of the posters saying she is the problem for not sticking up for her DH.

She says "I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate."

That clearly demonstrates that she just smiles and nods when these comments come up. Her plate is too full to defend the person she loves and the father of her children to negative nancy's. GMAFB.

Maybe OP likes being put on a pedestal and told no one is good enough for her? Perfect pretty princess on a pedestal, can do no wrong.

OP here - I probably didn't phrase it in the best way, but my point was that I don't want to feel like I need to make it a point to constantly be like "my husband is SO amazing!" just to show my parents that I married a great guy. I don't like to brag about myself either. When they make comments, I do defend him or explain why they're wrong. But if they're otherwise feeling anxious about him, I don't think it's my responsibility to help manage their anxiety or whatever is worrying them about him by gushing about him. Does that make sense?

"Maybe OP likes being put on a pedestal and told no one is good enough for her? Perfect pretty princess on a pedestal, can do no wrong." I have no idea how you reached this conclusion. I said that I don't like negative comments about DH or being told that he's not good enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stand up for DH. Your parents sound like my MIL. She's very judgmental, and I'm shy and quiet and she hated me from the get-go because of that. She judges everything harshly, never considering the fact that the two of us have been happy together for 25 years. She causes stress in our marriage, and at times has nearly caused the end of it with her interference. Imagine yourself on the receiving end of that negativity instead of DH, and think how you hope he'd respond.

I like this answer.

[Anonymous]

Huh. I always thought in-laws always love each other a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.