Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me
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Anonymous
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Does anyone have parents who don't really love/approve of their spouse, even though they're generally pretty great? My parents have never been particularly enamored by DH, which I think is absurd because he's a good person, he's nice, he has a great job, he's a great dad, he contributes to the household (not 50/50 but how often is that the case?). But in their mind, there are all these things: he's had some family dysfunction (and therefore must be all messed up...), he doesn't cook enough (it's true that I cook more, but he does sometimes!), he's not charismatic enough (I admit that he is a bit shy/subdued around them, but I mean, they're his in-laws and I think he's always been a bit intimidated because of that), he's still a kid at heart and hasn't matured yet, he needs to shoulder more household tasks and make my life easier, etc. etc.
In my mind, I have a great marriage and we're happy together. Sure, he's not perfect but who is? I suppose the point of all my rambling is just to ask, is this normal/common? I guess I'm trying to think about things from my parents' perspective. I just feel like there are a million ways that he could be "worse", so how is he still not good enough?! |
Anonymous
| What do you mean they don’t love or approve enough? Is that just your sense or do they say something? Do you vent to them about the cooking? How would they even know? |
Anonymous
| Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now. |
Anonymous
| Your parents sound my parents which is why it's been 10 years since they've last seen my DH in person. I visit them w/o DH and our DCs. According to them, I could've done better and married a wealthier man, "not some poor schoolteacher". I make more money than DH which is appalling to them. |
Anonymous
Both my sense and comments they have made over the years. And hearing them talking about other guys they meet who are around my age and how great they seem, but never any about DH. No I don't complain about cooking or housework or anything. They've stayed with us before so they've seen how we do things. And they've asked me and I'm honest, but not in a complaining way. |
Anonymous
I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care. |
Anonymous
| If they know all that then you're telling them too much about him. You are your own problem. |
Anonymous
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This sounds a little like my DH's family with his sister and her husband. We all think her husband is a dud and she could have done better. I always wonder if she knows, but now that I'm reading your post, I bet she does.
Like OP, she thinks he's pretty great. And yes, it could be worse. But those don't change much |
Anonymous
Just curious what makes him a dud? |
Anonymous
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My mother and stepfather hated my husband. They hid it well but I knew. My mother thought I could do better than him. So when she told me how she felt instead of getting upset I said what if I can't do better ? It was never brought up again.
I was thinking the other day how shocked they'd be knowing we keep my sister from drowning and struggling financially. Her favorite kids don't. The ones she thought would look after their sibling. They never did. This black sheep would probably finally be respected if nothing else. They've both been gone a long time so there's no point dwelling on any of that. I do silently giggle knowing I am doing something good. On the other side my husband's parents never liked me. I didn't care. My husband would visit them but I don't go where I'm not wanted. No one ever asked why I wasn't visiting. Their loss. |
Anonymous
| Are your parents annoying rich old school people? They don't respect nice people if so, just charisma and money. |
Anonymous
You really have to stop caring about their opinions. A mature, healthy parent of an adult child respects them enough to choose their own spouse free of approval. This type also is wise enough to understand that traits which annoy some people are perfectly fine for others. Adults have different needs and priorities. They celebrate their adult kids independence and encourage it. Immature, pushy parents of adult children don’t understand that their adult child is not a copy or extension of them. They don’t realize that consistent judging and criticizing out loud is inappropriate. They haven’t accepted that they are not in control and dislike their adult child’s independence. OP you have a set of the latter and need to shut out their rudeness and opinions. |
Anonymous
| It doesn't really sound like your parents are even actively saying anything OP. Sounds like you are either desperate for approval or harboring these thoughts yourself |
Anonymous
| Might it be happening just because your parents love you so much that they want their sweetheart treated like a princess, and generally living the perfect life their little dear deserves? Just a thought. |
Anonymous
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My mother hates my wife like head lice.
Be thankful for “mixed feelings” and move along with your life. Your parents (like mine) are pretty crappy for being anything other than supportive and kind about who you chose to marry. |