Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me

[Anonymous]

I feel like 90% of the problems people bring up. on DCUM on minor and petty, and yet they brood on them and it affects their happiness in life. Some people have real, legitimate issues: life-threatening illness, profound financial issues, abusive relationships. Maybe, OP, you should focus on the good things in your life and the positive characteristics of your parents and other relatives.

I don't go through life expecting that everyone will love everything I do, or that everything will go smoothly. Your situation really doesn't seem to me to be out of the norm. Most parents don't entirely trust the people their kids marry, with good reason. That's life. You'll feel the same way about your kids and their significant others. I certainly don't think I am entitled to automatic love and devotion from my in-laws! They just need to be courteous, and keep any negative feelings to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave and cleave op. Who cares what they think you have your own life now.

I care about what my parents think. That's why this bothers me. Of course it would be easier if I didn't care.

How do they make their feelings known?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like 90% of the problems people bring up. on DCUM on minor and petty, and yet they brood on them and it affects their happiness in life. Some people have real, legitimate issues: life-threatening illness, profound financial issues, abusive relationships. Maybe, OP, you should focus on the good things in your life and the positive characteristics of your parents and other relatives.

I don't go through life expecting that everyone will love everything I do, or that everything will go smoothly. Your situation really doesn't seem to me to be out of the norm. Most parents don't entirely trust the people their kids marry, with good reason. That's life. You'll feel the same way about your kids and their significant others. I certainly don't think I am entitled to automatic love and devotion from my in-laws! They just need to be courteous, and keep any negative feelings to themselves.

OP here - you're totally right! I know it's a trivial thing, which is why I decided to write about it here, because it seems very silly to discuss it with anyone in real life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have parents who don't really love/approve of their spouse, even though they're generally pretty great? My parents have never been particularly enamored by DH, which I think is absurd because he's a good person, he's nice, he has a great job, he's a great dad, he contributes to the household (not 50/50 but how often is that the case?). But in their mind, there are all these things: he's had some family dysfunction (and therefore must be all messed up...), he doesn't cook enough (it's true that I cook more, but he does sometimes!), he's not charismatic enough (I admit that he is a bit shy/subdued around them, but I mean, they're his in-laws and I think he's always been a bit intimidated because of that), he's still a kid at heart and hasn't matured yet, he needs to shoulder more household tasks and make my life easier, etc. etc.

In my mind, I have a great marriage and we're happy together. Sure, he's not perfect but who is? I suppose the point of all my rambling is just to ask, is this normal/common? I guess I'm trying to think about things from my parents' perspective. I just feel like there are a million ways that he could be "worse", so how is he still not good enough?!

My MIL does not like me. We have been married more than 10 years and years ago after being married maybe 3 years she took my husband to some fancy event with high powered people and tried to set him up with a friend’s daughter! She was very open about it afterwards. Since then my husband won’t go anywhere alone with just her (I never asked this but he felt really uncomfortable). I found it totally hysterical, but she kept going on and on about how this woman was so much younger and prettier than me (I am younger than my husband) and how she would be a better fit for my husband. She gave this woman my husband’s number, it was so crazy. She has done other stuff and my husband didn’t see it until that and she started doing and saying stuff to him too.

I feel like now she realizes she is stuck with me, so she has not been that bad for awhile, but she always makes comments to me. It is always to “help.”

It is actually very sad to me because he was very close with his parents and now is more guarded. Not just for them not liking me, but for other things too.

I always try and make an effort with my MiL. But some people aren’t going to like you. You can’t control them you can only control yourself and how you handle the situations. We still see my in laws a ton even though they are a flight away and I just have clear boundaries.

Ridiculous. I would not see someone "a ton" if they actively work to hurt my marriage. People like that don't deserve my love and attention. What game playing you are involved in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesnt anyone stick up for their spouse? I cant imagine listening to my parents drone on and on about how much they dislike my husband. What are you doing, smiling and nodding? I'd have some choice words for people who spoke like that about my husband to my face.

and it sounds like op has spoken to them and agreed to their assessment which undermines her dh. Op you never talk poorly about your spouse to your family. You are a lot of the problem. I feel sorry for your dh.

[Anonymous]

My parents think my husband is the greatest thing since sliced bread and his parents love me, maybe for me, but maybe also because their daughters spouses aren’t that great.

My mom is critical because that’s just how she is and how she relates to the world and makes small talk. She’s a complainer and perpetual victim. That helps me take her complaints with a grain of salt. However if I ever find something she is picking on me about is really bugging me, it’s likely because there is a kernel of truth that I am not ready to hear.

Do they pick on or dislike your siblings’ spouses? Complain about your cousins? Express disappointment in their friends’ and neighbors’ adult children’s choices? If so, it’s their issue and you have to find a way to let it go.

If they just do it with your husband, do you have a sibling, cousin or friend you could ask about it? My in-laws will never tell my SIL that they don’t like her husband - but we hear ALL about him and his failings.

[Anonymous]

My ILs have never liked their SIL. They have been married for like 45years. They did not like him until they died a couple of years ago. FIL especially did not like him, but he could never articulate why.

I suspect it's because their personality clashes. FIL is very formal; BIL is the "let loose" kind of guy. My spouse said of their BIL that he is wonderful to their (spouse's) sister. She's going through some health issues, and he's very attentive. All the siblings like their BIL, but the parents didn't.

FWIW, my spouse didn't really like their father as a person, so that tells you something about the FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - lol I never said anything about droning on. And it's not some intense dislike of him. More like they don't think he's good enough for me for various reasons, because I'm wonderful in their eyes and he's not. And I do get annoyed/defensive, but I don't see how it's my responsibility to convince them that he's great. I have enough on my plate.

You don't understand boundaries at all and you sound immature. You can not control other people so it isn't your job to convince your parents that your spouse is wonderful. They get to have their opinion but your job is not to tolerate any criticism of him from them. Hang up the phone, walk away etc any time they start. You do not discuss this with them as it is not their business. You set a boundary with them that you won't tolerate disrespect of him and that is all. I feel sorry for your husband.

[Anonymous]

"I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet"

Your parents suck, and you continue to let them sh*t on your husband. What an awful spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective.

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them.

You don't have a long discussion with your parents. You're a grown up so you don't explain to them how your life works. When they make the comment criticizing your husband, you shut it down and tell them they are clueless and judge your dh harshly. You then get off the phone. Do this enough and you'll extinguish the behavior. They have a right to their opinion but you should not participate in any discussions about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have parents who don't really love/approve of their spouse, even though they're generally pretty great? My parents have never been particularly enamored by DH, which I think is absurd because he's a good person, he's nice, he has a great job, he's a great dad, he contributes to the household (not 50/50 but how often is that the case?). But in their mind, there are all these things: he's had some family dysfunction (and therefore must be all messed up...), he doesn't cook enough (it's true that I cook more, but he does sometimes!), he's not charismatic enough (I admit that he is a bit shy/subdued around them, but I mean, they're his in-laws and I think he's always been a bit intimidated because of that), he's still a kid at heart and hasn't matured yet, he needs to shoulder more household tasks and make my life easier, etc. etc.

In my mind, I have a great marriage and we're happy together. Sure, he's not perfect but who is? I suppose the point of all my rambling is just to ask, is this normal/common? I guess I'm trying to think about things from my parents' perspective. I just feel like there are a million ways that he could be "worse", so how is he still not good enough?!

My MIL does not like me. We have been married more than 10 years and years ago after being married maybe 3 years she took my husband to some fancy event with high powered people and tried to set him up with a friend’s daughter! She was very open about it afterwards. Since then my husband won’t go anywhere alone with just her (I never asked this but he felt really uncomfortable). I found it totally hysterical, but she kept going on and on about how this woman was so much younger and prettier than me (I am younger than my husband) and how she would be a better fit for my husband. She gave this woman my husband’s number, it was so crazy. She has done other stuff and my husband didn’t see it until that and she started doing and saying stuff to him too.

I feel like now she realizes she is stuck with me, so she has not been that bad for awhile, but she always makes comments to me. It is always to “help.”

It is actually very sad to me because he was very close with his parents and now is more guarded. Not just for them not liking me, but for other things too.

I always try and make an effort with my MiL. But some people aren’t going to like you. You can’t control them you can only control yourself and how you handle the situations. We still see my in laws a ton even though they are a flight away and I just have clear boundaries.

Ridiculous. I would not see someone "a ton" if they actively work to hurt my marriage. People like that don't deserve my love and attention. What game playing you are involved in.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesnt anyone stick up for their spouse? I cant imagine listening to my parents drone on and on about how much they dislike my husband. What are you doing, smiling and nodding? I'd have some choice words for people who spoke like that about my husband to my face.

and it sounds like op has spoken to them and agreed to their assessment which undermines her dh. Op you never talk poorly about your spouse to your family. You are a lot of the problem. I feel sorry for your dh.

+1
OP is the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like 90% of the problems people bring up. on DCUM on minor and petty, and yet they brood on them and it affects their happiness in life. Some people have real, legitimate issues: life-threatening illness, profound financial issues, abusive relationships. Maybe, OP, you should focus on the good things in your life and the positive characteristics of your parents and other relatives.

I don't go through life expecting that everyone will love everything I do, or that everything will go smoothly. Your situation really doesn't seem to me to be out of the norm. Most parents don't entirely trust the people their kids marry, with good reason. That's life. You'll feel the same way about your kids and their significant others. I certainly don't think I am entitled to automatic love and devotion from my in-laws! They just need to be courteous, and keep any negative feelings to themselves.

except op's parents clearly do not keep their opinions to themselves. You feel awesome, don't you, scolding op and saying her problems are trivial. Yes, there are people who die terribly and great injustice in the world. You think you are the only one who realizes this. Duuuuh. People like op's parents can make other people miserable. You keep pretending that you're above it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have parents who don't really love/approve of their spouse, even though they're generally pretty great? My parents have never been particularly enamored by DH, which I think is absurd because he's a good person, he's nice, he has a great job, he's a great dad, he contributes to the household (not 50/50 but how often is that the case?). But in their mind, there are all these things: he's had some family dysfunction (and therefore must be all messed up...), he doesn't cook enough (it's true that I cook more, but he does sometimes!), he's not charismatic enough (I admit that he is a bit shy/subdued around them, but I mean, they're his in-laws and I think he's always been a bit intimidated because of that), he's still a kid at heart and hasn't matured yet, he needs to shoulder more household tasks and make my life easier, etc. etc.

In my mind, I have a great marriage and we're happy together. Sure, he's not perfect but who is? I suppose the point of all my rambling is just to ask, is this normal/common? I guess I'm trying to think about things from my parents' perspective. I just feel like there are a million ways that he could be "worse", so how is he still not good enough?!

My MIL does not like me. We have been married more than 10 years and years ago after being married maybe 3 years she took my husband to some fancy event with high powered people and tried to set him up with a friend’s daughter! She was very open about it afterwards. Since then my husband won’t go anywhere alone with just her (I never asked this but he felt really uncomfortable). I found it totally hysterical, but she kept going on and on about how this woman was so much younger and prettier than me (I am younger than my husband) and how she would be a better fit for my husband. She gave this woman my husband’s number, it was so crazy. She has done other stuff and my husband didn’t see it until that and she started doing and saying stuff to him too.

I feel like now she realizes she is stuck with me, so she has not been that bad for awhile, but she always makes comments to me. It is always to “help.”

It is actually very sad to me because he was very close with his parents and now is more guarded. Not just for them not liking me, but for other things too.

I always try and make an effort with my MiL. But some people aren’t going to like you. You can’t control them you can only control yourself and how you handle the situations. We still see my in laws a ton even though they are a flight away and I just have clear boundaries.

Do you enjoy seeing people who clearly cannot stand you “a ton”?? Because that is mind boggling to me and it doesn’t sound like you have clear boundaries at all. No way in hell would I spend time and money visiting horrible people who would be thrilled to see my life and marriage blow up. And you see them a ton!?! Yikes. Instead of worrying about boundaries maybe find some self respect.

[Anonymous]

First of all, shame on your family. Their opinion doesn’t matter. They don’t need to express every thought.

Shame on you for not shutting it down.