How "bad" is our dinner routine- parents eating separate from kids?

[Anonymous]

My DH never got home before 8pm when my kids were little so I fed them first and we ate after they went to bed. They are now teenagers and not into drugs, pregnant or failing out of school.

Your kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get these people who insist they are eating as a family every single night. Are your kids older?? My kids go to bed at 7pm. I don’t get home until 5:30/6 on workdays. It wouldn’t be possible to get a full meal on the table for everyone before its bath and bedtime. We planned to start family dinner time when the kids are much older…it just doesn’t work at all time-wise on weekdays for little ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to start eating with the kids.

I am a parent of two high schoolers. They think I am the world’s greatest cook (haha not true) and almost never miss dinner with us at home though they have active social lives. I am pretty sure it’s because we always made our home cooked family dinners (and brunches on weekends) a central part of our lives. Our kids were never picky eaters and they have been emotionally very close to us and I think eating the same thing together, and cooking things everyone likes, were a key way for us to express that they are a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get these people who insist they are eating as a family every single night. Are your kids older?? My kids go to bed at 7pm. I don’t get home until 5:30/6 on workdays. It wouldn’t be possible to get a full meal on the table for everyone before its bath and bedtime. We planned to start family dinner time when the kids are much older…it just doesn’t work at all time-wise on weekdays for little ones.

I eat with my kids (2 and 4) every night. We eat some time between 5:30 and 6:30, with bedtime at 7:30. Weeknight dinners are often leftovers or quick to prepare and since I work from home it’s easy enough to do something like turn on the rice cooker before heading out to pick up the kids. But I preferred to eat early even before kids so it works well for me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting to institute family dinner until the kids are staying up later if that works better for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are totally fine. You are feeding your kids when then are hungry, spending time with them while they eat and then having quality time with your DH where you cook and eat dinner together. Sounds great!

If you want to transition the kids to eating more of the same foods that you eat, give them some leftovers of the meal that you made with your DH the night before, along with some of their favorites.

Everyone is fed and happy. That is all that matters.

I think this is age appropriate. When they are school aged I’d transition to eating as a family, I miss those days. I have teens- both have an activity each night. One doesn’t get home from their day until 7:30. And the other usually leaves the house at 5:30 or 6:00.

[Anonymous]

It's fine. People make such a big deal about this. I sat down to a dinner with my entire family at 6pm every single day for the first 17 years of my life and guess what? My family is super dysfunctional, my parents are both horribly overweight, my sister has an eating disorder, it's virtually impossible to get my entire family together for a meal now, even for something like my parents 50th wedding anniversary (not least because my parents do not like each other).

Our kids eat separate from us for dinner about 5 nights a week and one is a super picky eater. It's fine. Everyone eats a healthy diet, everyone gets enough sleep, we have good communication and problem solving habits and everyone likes each other and is pretty happy with our family life. So who cares about dinner? It's not some magic bullet that ensures your family will have good relationships and your kids will be healthy.

Do what works for you. Forget about what other people are doing, it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH never got home before 8pm when my kids were little so I fed them first and we ate after they went to bed. They are now teenagers and not into drugs, pregnant or failing out of school.

Your kids will be fine.

Did they eat with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. People make such a big deal about this. I sat down to a dinner with my entire family at 6pm every single day for the first 17 years of my life and guess what? My family is super dysfunctional, my parents are both horribly overweight, my sister has an eating disorder, it's virtually impossible to get my entire family together for a meal now, even for something like my parents 50th wedding anniversary (not least because my parents do not like each other).

Our kids eat separate from us for dinner about 5 nights a week and one is a super picky eater. It's fine. Everyone eats a healthy diet, everyone gets enough sleep, we have good communication and problem solving habits and everyone likes each other and is pretty happy with our family life. So who cares about dinner? It's not some magic bullet that ensures your family will have good relationships and your kids will be healthy.

Do what works for you. Forget about what other people are doing, it doesn't matter.

Well, my family didn’t eat dinner together and it’s dysfunctional whereas my husband family did and they are all close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

This isn't forever. We used to do this because I was home with the kids, DH works late, and little kids can't wait to eat until 7:30 or 8. Family meals are wonderful but what is more important is quality time. So since family meals don't work for you right now, focus on the quality time together, whether it's being with them while they are eating, bath time, reading together before bed, etc. When the kids get a little older, they will be able to hold out longer and you can have family meals together. Also, for now, have family meals on weekends when you can have them on their schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family dinner time is incredibly important to our family. We have always had dinner together. As a family, we talk about our days how we’re feeling, about anything and everything.
My kids are now teenagers and we still eat dinner as a family.

Your family dynamics might be different, but I don’t see why you’re giving into their ”demands”. If you wish to eat together as a family, you might consider giving them a snack when they get home from school and then their dinner when everyone is together.

Nope, nope, nope. A kid who is hungry isn't being "demanding," they need to eat!

Good for you that family dinner always worked for you, but that's not the case for all. Don't be guilted into this OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. People make such a big deal about this. I sat down to a dinner with my entire family at 6pm every single day for the first 17 years of my life and guess what? My family is super dysfunctional, my parents are both horribly overweight, my sister has an eating disorder, it's virtually impossible to get my entire family together for a meal now, even for something like my parents 50th wedding anniversary (not least because my parents do not like each other).

Our kids eat separate from us for dinner about 5 nights a week and one is a super picky eater. It's fine. Everyone eats a healthy diet, everyone gets enough sleep, we have good communication and problem solving habits and everyone likes each other and is pretty happy with our family life. So who cares about dinner? It's not some magic bullet that ensures your family will have good relationships and your kids will be healthy.

Do what works for you. Forget about what other people are doing, it doesn't matter.

Well, my family didn’t eat dinner together and it’s dysfunctional whereas my husband family did and they are all close.

Ok, I guarantee there are factors OTHER than dinner that might explain the difference.

I think if eating together makes sense for your family, it can be a great way to connect as a family on a daily basis and teach healthy habits.

But it's not the only way. We don't eat together most weeknights but we always read a chapter or two of a book together (everyone all together) every night at kids bedtime. We've found that to work better for us, in terms of schedule and temperament. When we tried to do meals altogether, it wound up being a source of stress and didn't feel like quality family time (felt pressed for time, kids were always hungry before adults could all sit down, then very hard to fit in dinner in time to get everyone bathed and ready for bed at a reasonable hour).

I do not think us eating dinner in two phases is going to destroy our family dynamic. I actually think it's good for us.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop treating your kids like infants. Your mothers are right.

[Anonymous]

OP one thing we did at that age to some success is identify 3 or 4 meals we could make that our kids actually would eat but that we also enjoyed. My kids also didn't eat meat at all, so these meals were all vegetarian or vegetarian accommodating for us: sweet potato and black bean tacos, rice bowls with a bunch of toppings (I'd often do some seasoned chicken or shrimp for us as well, and kids would be offered it), make your own pizza, etc.

Some of these were a bust but some worked, and those became meals we'd make once or twice a week so we could eat together. Often on Sunday night so the timing worked, or we'd meal prep (very easy with rice bowls and pizza) so that it could be put together very easily as soon as we got home.

It still took years for our kids to be willing to eat what we ate nightly (adventurous parents plus fairly picky kids -- it happens). But it helped build up some family meal habits earlier on.

It's not either/or. You can adapt things to work for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family dinner time is incredibly important to our family. We have always had dinner together. As a family, we talk about our days how we’re feeling, about anything and everything.
My kids are now teenagers and we still eat dinner as a family.

Your family dynamics might be different, but I don’t see why you’re giving into their ”demands”. If you wish to eat together as a family, you might consider giving them a snack when they get home from school and then their dinner when everyone is together.

+1 We have always eaten dinner together as a family and talk about our day. It is the only time we can all be together and reconnect. I really think it has helped to foster our sense of closeness through the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

Sounds fine. What's important is you're sitting with them.