How "bad" is our dinner routine- parents eating separate from kids?

[Anonymous]

Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

[Anonymous]

It’s not the end of the world, and great that you at least sit down and eat with them, but at the age of your oldest (5), I would start transitioning to real family meals.

Don’t rush or make a big deal out of it- maybe over the summer when you’re not as rushed and it’s light outside longer?

You don’t want to be in this situation in two years, so start working towards a better schedule!

[Anonymous]

Family dinner time is incredibly important to our family. We have always had dinner together. As a family, we talk about our days how we’re feeling, about anything and everything.
My kids are now teenagers and we still eat dinner as a family.

Your family dynamics might be different, but I don’t see why you’re giving into their ”demands”. If you wish to eat together as a family, you might consider giving them a snack when they get home from school and then their dinner when everyone is together.

[Anonymous]

We have done this routine and kind of continued it into teen years. Our schedules are too messy (sports, activities, two different work schedules) to force one meal all together during the week. We do have family dinner a least once a weekend.

[Anonymous]

We eat together and I would suggest you do too.

[Anonymous]

We sat while the kids ate but ate later.

It’s not a big deal if you spend time with your kids.

The studies that show up sitting with your kids is so important it is for parents that never talk to their kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are totally fine. You are feeding your kids when then are hungry, spending time with them while they eat and then having quality time with your DH where you cook and eat dinner together. Sounds great!

If you want to transition the kids to eating more of the same foods that you eat, give them some leftovers of the meal that you made with your DH the night before, along with some of their favorites.

Everyone is fed and happy. That is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Both your mother and your mom are right. You need to transition to having dinner with the children. They are here now and they are your family. Act like one.

[Anonymous]

Fine, I fed mine early. We try to eat together but you are better off feeding them. They can have a snack when you eat dinner.

[Anonymous]

If you’re sitting and talking to your kids at dinner and also playing afterwards, it sounds like you’re getting a lot of quality family time. That’s great!

The preferred foods would give me pause, though. Are they getting a varied diet the rest of the day? Do they get exposure to other non-preferred foods regularly? How are their table manners? Eating with your kids is an opportunity to model good habits, your kids are doing fine on this front too, I don’t see an issue imo. As your kids get older, you can move into a more traditional family dinner if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re sitting and talking to your kids at dinner and also playing afterwards, it sounds like you’re getting a lot of quality family time. That’s great!

The preferred foods would give me pause, though. Are they getting a varied diet the rest of the day? Do they get exposure to other non-preferred foods regularly? How are their table manners? Eating with your kids is an opportunity to model good habits, your kids are doing fine on this front too, I don’t see an issue imo. As your kids get older, you can move into a more traditional family dinner if you want.

*if

[Anonymous]

Time to start eating with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Totally fine for this age, but I would suggest as they got older that you navigate back to a family dinner. By the time the oldest is 7 or so, I would aim for that.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe anybody has a problem with this. You’re sitting with them while they eat, they get fed when they’re hungry and go to bed at a reasonable time, and you and your husband enjoy a later adult meal . What you do with the kids still sounds like a family dinner time to me.

It’s not like you’re giving them a TV dinner and ignoring them.

[Anonymous]

You said yourself that you look forward to this time with your husband every day. A healthy marriage is the foundation of a healthy and happy family. You've survived the early years with kids that are pretty close in age, and I'm going to guess that nurturing this rock solid relationship with your spouse has been a big part of that. Your kids are eating healthy food and you're spending intentional time with them while they eat. Parenthood is hard enough, don't deny yourself something that brings you joy and works for your family because your mother and MIL don't like it.

I do think transitioning your kids to more meal-type food and eventually having a more traditional family dinner will be good in the long run. A PP suggested giving some of the previous night's leftovers as part of their tapas style dinner and I agree. When there ends up being some leftovers they actually like, you could incorporate the kids into the cooking and eating of those specific meals as a next step.