How "bad" is our dinner routine- parents eating separate from kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

You should feel guilty. Evidently, both you and your husband only consider yourselves family and your children are like pets that you feed with the dog and cat! Children learn table manners, assuming, of course, that you and your husband actually have good table manners, by the way their parents chew with their mouths closed, know how to use fork, knife. and spoon to eat their food. It's mean and selfish and you are depriving your children of important family time.

[Anonymous]

I would start making Sunday Dinner (and maybe Saturday Dinner too) a big grownup thing in your family. Prepare your fancy meals as you and DH like it on Sunday afternoon and involve the kids in the cooking part too — let them see why you and your DH love this aspect of your lives. Serve it at 5 (for the kids; you and DH just have a nibble) and again at 8:30 or whenever you and DH usually eat. Also make sure this meal is served more formally and have be an opportunity for the kids to practice serving and table manners — give them special napkins/plates/whatever so they’re excited about being big enough to participate. Then as your kids’ bedtime and dinner time move back it will be natural for them to start staying up a bit later and for you to shift prep a bit earlier so that the whole family can be part of the dinner routine. Maybe there will be a transitional period where the oldest gets to choose whether they join “kids dinner” or “grownup dinner”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

You should feel guilty. Evidently, both you and your husband only consider yourselves family and your children are like pets that you feed with the dog and cat! Children learn table manners, assuming, of course, that you and your husband actually have good table manners, by the way their parents chew with their mouths closed, know how to use fork, knife. and spoon to eat their food. It's mean and selfish and you are depriving your children of important family time.

I mean this kindly...you need to chill out.

[Anonymous]

Give them a snack, and eat at 6pm if you can. That's what we did when kids were at this age. You can push meal times back to 6:30 or 7 as they get older.

We've had dinner together most nights, and my kids are now 15 and 18.

One is in college now, and the other has tons of activities in HS, so it's a lot harder to have family meals now, but they both said that they are grateful for the family meal times. They said so many kids don't eat with their families and how sad that was.

Family meal time will become even more important as your kids get older. Make it a habit now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 3 and 5yo. They get home at 4:45/5pm and are already demanding dinner NOW. Dh and I both WFH and wrap up right at 5pm. We have tried just a snack when they get home but they end up asking for more and more and it turns into a meal regardless.

DH and I have always bonded over cooking. For 12 years before having kids, we cooked dinner together every night and talked about our days, ate together, and clean up together. We love really spicy food, trying new foods, elaborate recipes, and lots of different cuisines. That was always our bonding time as a couple. Neither of our kids will eat meat at all and they both prefer random things together on a plate vs a cohesive meal if that makes sense. They eat pretty healthy foods so I haven't made a big fuss over it, but they basically always want some combo of fruit, eggs (boiled, omlette, fried, or scrambled), greek yogurt, beans, chick peas, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, or spinach salad- they both refuse any cooked veggies), cottage cheese, nuts, or quinoa.

So we have basically defaulted into the pattern of kids getting home, giving them their preferred foods (which all take like 30 secs to throw on a plate) for their dinner and they eat while we sit with them. Then we play or go to the park, do baths, family story time, and bed time at 7:30pm.

Then after they go to bed, DH and I cook our dinner together and sit down and eat together every night.

I sometimes feel guilty that I spent ~1 minute getting my kids' dinner together and then DH and I put a lot of time and effort into our own dinner. I'm also wondering if it matters that we don't eat with the kids even though we do sit with them and talk while they eat? Both my mom and MIL HATE that we do this and think it's really weird and unconventional. The big plus though is that our marriage has always been really strong and I do attribute a lot of that to having that dedicated hour and a half every evening where we cook, eat, and chit chat. I look forward to it every single day.

Would love some opinions. Should we switch it up? Does it matter that my kids aren't eating cohesive meals at this age? Does it matter that we aren't actually eating as a family?

You should feel guilty. Evidently, both you and your husband only consider yourselves family and your children are like pets that you feed with the dog and cat! Children learn table manners, assuming, of course, that you and your husband actually have good table manners, by the way their parents chew with their mouths closed, know how to use fork, knife. and spoon to eat their food. It's mean and selfish and you are depriving your children of important family time.

Good grief.

[Anonymous]

I agree you're totally fine -- it sounds like your kids eat really nutritious food and you sit together as a family at a good time. All good things.

BUT it sounds miserable to prepare, sit for and clean up two dinners. My kids are the same age and I agree they don't like when the dinner is all combined (like when it's a mixed up rice bowl or curry or something), so I sometimes adapt. Like tonight we're going to have chicken caesar wraps, but that's too messy for them to eat all wrapped together, so for theirs i'll do a little pile of chicken, a little pile of "salad" aka tomatoes, plus a tortilla on the side. I also love spicy, so I keep it out of recipes and DH and I add it later (though I am starting to urge my kids to try spicy foods by this age to begin to get a taste for them).

If you don't mind, you do you, but you could also work on trying to have your kids eat what you and DH make. They have probably learned to expect their own separate, early "kid dinner," so you just have to break that habit. You may be surprised what they'd eat. My kid won't eat french fries one day but will gobble up thai cod curry, and the next day it's totally different.

[Anonymous]

It's an ok routine for now but you should really look into transitioning into family dinners as the norm. Even right now, it seems you sit with the kids while they eat, but your husband does not? What kind of message does that send to your kids about their father's interest in their lives? Or the difference between your role and his role as primary parent?

Can you spend the time you cook dinner now prepping for dinner the next day, to minimize the time needed to get dinner on the table? I am someone who loves food so this was hard for me, to sacrifice a little bit of the "fresh quality" of dinner. But it's worth it IMO. Do most of the prep and cooking the night before so you're essentially just finishing up the meal at 5pm (and it can be on the table by 5:30/5:45pm).

If you really crave that alone time with your husband, try a glass of wine/dessert together with your husband after the kids go to bed. The way I've proposed it, you're still spending time cooking together.

We also do "date night at home" on Fridays. That's the night that kids do get a convenience dinner (chicken nuggets, quick pasta, etc) and get their movie dinner while DH and I sit down at the dinner table to enjoy takeout or a recipe that the kids would prefer not to eat. But that's once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s brilliant! You are basically having a date every night with your husband. Don’t listen to the helicopter parents in here, they will wind up divorces in 7 years with miserable kid that they sacrificed their marriage for.

ITA! You are very efficiently achieving quality family time as well as a date night. And as long as your kids are getting enough calories, they seem to be eating very nutritionally dense foods. Keep doing what you're doing and stay aware that what works will continue to evolve as your kids get older and have more activities in their lives.

[Anonymous]

At this age I think it’s fine and we did the same. I don’t want to eat dinner at 5pm and I don’t have time to cook a full meal at that time either. Also, one parent would not be there at that time as would still be at work. At least one of us still sat with them while they ate and chatted, but that was not our dinner time and both parents were not there. As my kids got older, we all eat together but we eat at around 7.30 or 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe anybody has a problem with this. You’re sitting with them while they eat, they get fed when they’re hungry and go to bed at a reasonable time, and you and your husband enjoy a later adult meal . What you do with the kids still sounds like a family dinner time to me.

It’s not like you’re giving them a TV dinner and ignoring them.

I agree. And I’m a family dinner person. Your kids eat healthy, you’re there for them, you and your dh have a healthy relationship…sounds like a win win all around. It will evolve, but no need to change it if it isn’t broken.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it's very important to eat as a family. My family all ate at the table 6/7 nights a week when I was growing up and that's the routine DH and I wanted for our family. My kids would like to eat then too, but they have learned to wait until 6pm. Totally fine if someone has a conflict one or two nights.

Mostly though, I don't like how you said your kids are eating their preferred foods. What? Kids should eat identical food to parents (maybe less spicy) and definitely need vegetables. Kids watch us eat the same foods.

I dated a guy in high school whose mom would put food on plates, the kids would all come out of their rooms and then take the plates back to their rooms or the family room to eat in front of the TV. I couldn't get over how weird and antisocial it was. Plus, high schoolers that get served chicken nuggets?

[Anonymous]

We did this and I have no regrets! Cooking and eating a meal together with my husband every night during the toddler/preschool years kept us connected and grounded.

We actually didn't transition to full family dinner until my kids were in late elementary school. They are teenagers now, and we eat together when we're all home at dinnertime (which now, mercifully, is more like 6:30 than 5:30).

One bonus of the system is that we often cooked a bit extra for adult dinner and then fed the leftovers to the kids the next day. Win win win.

[Anonymous]

What I really don't like is that both parents aren't sitting down together. I really hate the dynamic where dad (it's always a dad...) eats separately from the family. It's like you're the nanny feeding the kids and then the kids go away because they're too little for the dinner table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I really don't like is that both parents aren't sitting down together. I really hate the dynamic where dad (it's always a dad...) eats separately from the family. It's like you're the nanny feeding the kids and then the kids go away because they're too little for the dinner table.

Obviously I’m in a minority here but.. that is exactly the situation (not the nanny part). They ARE too little for the dinner table. My kids did this and I grew up like this too - kids dinner at 5 and adults/older kids dinner at 8. And when kids are a bit older, they can join for dinner.

[Anonymous]

We did this and our kids are now 12 and 14.

It’s FINE, OP. Do not let ANYONE tell you and guilt you into thinking it’s not.

We did eat all or most meals together Friday- Sunday.

More people do this than you think, or are willing to admit.


My only caveat is to not fall into the kid food trap, as that creates another set of problems.