Weddings are horribly expensive

[Anonymous]

It can be exorbitant or it can be affordable. It really just depends on the people.

DH and I did a courthouse ceremony and did a large party reservation at a restaurant for the "reception" but our party was less than 20 people.

Getting married doesn't have to be expensive. I've been to weddings that were smaller and less than $10k and they were fun and intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So don't. Just do a small simple wedding.

Yup If you have the money and the kids want a big event and you enjoy spending $100K+ on their wedding, then go for it

Otherwise, determine how much YOU can afford and are willing to spend. Tell the couple and let them choose.

We will happily splurge for a huge wedding for our kids, if they want. We can afford it. However, it's their wedding and they get to pick. Yes we want some of our friends to come, but majority are people our kids have grown up with. And by friends, it would likely only be 10-12 couples---not too much to ask if we are paying. But then again if my kids want a small intimate wedding with only 50 people or less, then we will respect that and not invite friends (and instead offer to throw a big party later if they would like with our friends and extended family).

NP- ours wasn't a money thing. We only wanted our close friends and our big family. We didn't allow parent friends. We had 100 people, so your 12 couples would have been 1/4 the wedding. Despite dating for 5 years, I'd never met my inlaws' best friends and wouldn't have had them at the wedding for that reason.

As I stated, if our kids wanted a smaller wedding we would respect that. The 20-24 people would be if they wanted a large wedding (we are used to 400+ at weddings). In that case, if we are paying I don’t feel bad asking to invite our 20-24 close friends—people our kids have grown up with, they are good friends with their kids, are social media friends with most of these adults, etc.
Mostly people our kids would want there anyhow if they have a large wedding.

But yes if they want a smaller more intimate wedding then the friends are not invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian weddings are vapid

Possibly, but I really want to go to one after reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

An amazing ring is what counts? Get your priorities in order, girl.

DP
I get it. A ring you keep. A wedding day passes and does not hold value the way a tangible item does. I think it makes sense if one is into jewelry.

+1 We did the whole expensive wedding plus expensive rings, new designer bridal gown, honeymoon, etc. I honestly have mixed feelings about it 18 years later.

But if I had to prioritize, then I would say go for the rings because you wear them every day, an amazing used dress so you look great in pictures, and the best hair and makeup artist. Then I would get married in a park with some pretty foliage (again for pics), hire a photographer but skip all the other vendors, just a best man and a maid/matron of honor, small guest list, and a party at someone's home (pick up bagels or BBQ) or a restaurant if the guest list is very small. Then you have the rings and nice picture on your desk, which are the two things that you're looking at every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian weddings are all for show. Some one I know sold one of his property to pay for his daughter's wedding. I've heard 300k. How crazy is that?!?!

How are other weddings not "all for show"? Especially if they are at a nice venue, good food and drinks, etc.? Even small weddings can be very expensive per person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

Also to add, the DC area has a lot of Indians and for some reason they like to throw these over the top wedding and invite like 500 people so it might be a cultural thing i don't understand

Ha ha! Let me explain. I am an Indian Hindu. Having 200-500 guests is considered a smallish wedding. The reason for our huge (in American eyes) weddings is that we usually do know 500 people or more, and we do cultivate familial and non-familial relationships over our lifetimes. This is very cultural thing. Not inviting someone to your kid's wedding is seen as sending a message that the person is not important to you. Sometimes we also include guests that our parents and siblings want us to invite and that is because a wedding is seen as a family affair.

Also, most invitations (for Indian guests) is not addressed to the individual but for their whole family. Giving an invite to a person and add a +1 to it is considered insulting. Of course, we do that for non-Indians guests in the US. This explains why the numbers of guests swell up. Also, traditionally, Indian households are multi-generational, so an invitation to the family will include the grandparents and the kids too. American weddings usually frown upon kids of non-family guests.

Most Indian marriages do not end in divorce. Divorce rates are extremely low and so this is statistically a once in a lifetime cost for parents. Indian Hindu parents are responsible and culturally bound to get their kids married. This is their last parental duty (called Vivah Sanskar) towards their offsprings in their life according to our religious traditions. So, most Indian parents will start saving for the child's college and wedding from the time that the kids are born. Since the parents are paying for the wedding, the guest list is usually their own guest list and it includes all relatives from both sides. The bride and groom and groom's family will also include their lists. If the bride or groom do not have parents, usually a grandparent, uncles, aunts, siblings will step into the role of the parents and finance a wedding. So, there are quite a few very low-key weddings too that do not cost a bomb - but you do not hear about them.

IME - young Indians and Indian-Americans who did not have a traditional Indian wedding funded fully or partially by their parents or relatives, or have family participation and involvement may feel a deep sense of loss for lacking family support We have been raised and socialized since childhood for being part of these memorable, vibrant, big, multi day weddings that were part celebration, part family reunions, part cosmic chaos and we do want the same for ourselves and our children. Our traditions, culture, Bollywood, wedding industry etc have also portrayed weddings as very significant part of our lives. So to not have that kind of wedding or parents/relatives not taking it up as their responsibility is lonely and sad.

It is entirely another thing if the bride and groom are independently well-off and can fund their own wedding, or have decided to have a small wedding by choice (usually they will opt for an American or destination wedding because it is inexpensive), but usually these are couples in their 30s and more established. This is also true for "fusion" weddings where Indians are marrying someone of another culture, or people on their second marriages, or people who have busy lifestyles, or people who are of more mature age, or those who have altruistic motives, or people who want to save money - in such a case the couple decide to have a wedding the way they want to.

Finally, Indian-Americans are usually quite well-off. Their children are also usually in high paying jobs. In some way an Indian wedding is a FLEX of family unity and solidarity, continuation of Indian tradition, a chance to reconnect with friends and family, a demonstration of the accomplishment of the bride and groom, family connections and financial power. Most Indian-Americans are fully paying for college and wedding of their offsprings.

I'm Indian and Hindu too, and this is BS. The large, expensive weddings are done by Indians for the same reason they buy mansions and Teslas - as a show of status and wealth.

+1. Also Indian and Hindu and PP is romanticizing the lavish Indian wedding. They are soulless affairs meant to show off wealth and often hide a whole host of underlying problems in the family.

I disagree. But then I am actually a wealthy Indian.

You’re very defensive. I’m not claiming these people aren’t well to do. But the weddings are over the top and the families throwing them seem desperate to make an outsized statement of family unity or high status. They often don’t match the reality.

You are making assumptions about the weddings being over the top and people seeming desperate. How do you know? You are sounding bitter and jealous. Are you paying for their weddings?

Sorry, but culturally, go to Middle East and go to Indian subcontinent and you will see lavish weddings are common. Parents actually save for their children weddings all their lives. Just like they save for their kids colleges. This is culturally appropriate for us. May not be culturally appropriate for you. But, you do you. Also, exceptions prove the rule.

Not being defensive at all. Our parenting philosophy is different than the American way of parenting too. But, on individual level people can choose to spend money or not spend money on whatever they want to spend money on. There are enough Indian weddings where people do court marriage and go to a restaurant to celebrate. As long as people do not expect their guests to bankroll their MLM destination wedding and pay for their own drinks at the bar - why does it matter to anyone?

All affluent people are unhappy and suffering. If this makes you feel better about your life then so be it.

Sorry but you are sounding even more defensive. And I am Indian and Hindu so I’ve been to many typical, big Indian weddings. You may spout off about culture all you want but there’s no traditional cultural requirement or norm to have a huge, lavish wedding. The expectations have evolved for the Indian wedding to become that way because the families overextend themselves to outdo their relatives and friends. It’s all about competition and ego stroking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got married at the courthouse and my in-laws threw us a big party in their backyard. Didn’t cost a lot.

sounds great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

Also to add, the DC area has a lot of Indians and for some reason they like to throw these over the top wedding and invite like 500 people so it might be a cultural thing i don't understand

Ha ha! Let me explain. I am an Indian Hindu. Having 200-500 guests is considered a smallish wedding. The reason for our huge (in American eyes) weddings is that we usually do know 500 people or more, and we do cultivate familial and non-familial relationships over our lifetimes. This is very cultural thing. Not inviting someone to your kid's wedding is seen as sending a message that the person is not important to you. Sometimes we also include guests that our parents and siblings want us to invite and that is because a wedding is seen as a family affair.

Also, most invitations (for Indian guests) is not addressed to the individual but for their whole family. Giving an invite to a person and add a +1 to it is considered insulting. Of course, we do that for non-Indians guests in the US. This explains why the numbers of guests swell up. Also, traditionally, Indian households are multi-generational, so an invitation to the family will include the grandparents and the kids too. American weddings usually frown upon kids of non-family guests.

Most Indian marriages do not end in divorce. Divorce rates are extremely low and so this is statistically a once in a lifetime cost for parents. Indian Hindu parents are responsible and culturally bound to get their kids married. This is their last parental duty (called Vivah Sanskar) towards their offsprings in their life according to our religious traditions. So, most Indian parents will start saving for the child's college and wedding from the time that the kids are born. Since the parents are paying for the wedding, the guest list is usually their own guest list and it includes all relatives from both sides. The bride and groom and groom's family will also include their lists. If the bride or groom do not have parents, usually a grandparent, uncles, aunts, siblings will step into the role of the parents and finance a wedding. So, there are quite a few very low-key weddings too that do not cost a bomb - but you do not hear about them.

IME - young Indians and Indian-Americans who did not have a traditional Indian wedding funded fully or partially by their parents or relatives, or have family participation and involvement may feel a deep sense of loss for lacking family support We have been raised and socialized since childhood for being part of these memorable, vibrant, big, multi day weddings that were part celebration, part family reunions, part cosmic chaos and we do want the same for ourselves and our children. Our traditions, culture, Bollywood, wedding industry etc have also portrayed weddings as very significant part of our lives. So to not have that kind of wedding or parents/relatives not taking it up as their responsibility is lonely and sad.

It is entirely another thing if the bride and groom are independently well-off and can fund their own wedding, or have decided to have a small wedding by choice (usually they will opt for an American or destination wedding because it is inexpensive), but usually these are couples in their 30s and more established. This is also true for "fusion" weddings where Indians are marrying someone of another culture, or people on their second marriages, or people who have busy lifestyles, or people who are of more mature age, or those who have altruistic motives, or people who want to save money - in such a case the couple decide to have a wedding the way they want to.

Finally, Indian-Americans are usually quite well-off. Their children are also usually in high paying jobs. In some way an Indian wedding is a FLEX of family unity and solidarity, continuation of Indian tradition, a chance to reconnect with friends and family, a demonstration of the accomplishment of the bride and groom, family connections and financial power. Most Indian-Americans are fully paying for college and wedding of their offsprings.

I'm Indian and Hindu too, and this is BS. The large, expensive weddings are done by Indians for the same reason they buy mansions and Teslas - as a show of status and wealth.

+1. Also Indian and Hindu and PP is romanticizing the lavish Indian wedding. They are soulless affairs meant to show off wealth and often hide a whole host of underlying problems in the family.

I disagree. But then I am actually a wealthy Indian.

You’re very defensive. I’m not claiming these people aren’t well to do. But the weddings are over the top and the families throwing them seem desperate to make an outsized statement of family unity or high status. They often don’t match the reality.

You are making assumptions about the weddings being over the top and people seeming desperate. How do you know? You are sounding bitter and jealous. Are you paying for their weddings?

Sorry, but culturally, go to Middle East and go to Indian subcontinent and you will see lavish weddings are common. Parents actually save for their children weddings all their lives. Just like they save for their kids colleges. This is culturally appropriate for us. May not be culturally appropriate for you. But, you do you. Also, exceptions prove the rule.

Not being defensive at all. Our parenting philosophy is different than the American way of parenting too. But, on individual level people can choose to spend money or not spend money on whatever they want to spend money on. There are enough Indian weddings where people do court marriage and go to a restaurant to celebrate. As long as people do not expect their guests to bankroll their MLM destination wedding and pay for their own drinks at the bar - why does it matter to anyone?

All affluent people are unhappy and suffering. If this makes you feel better about your life then so be it.

Sorry but you are sounding even more defensive. And I am Indian and Hindu so I’ve been to many typical, big Indian weddings. You may spout off about culture all you want but there’s no traditional cultural requirement or norm to have a huge, lavish wedding. The expectations have evolved for the Indian wedding to become that way because the families overextend themselves to outdo their relatives and friends. It’s all about competition and ego stroking.

yes and in those other countries there are servent class that can make it happen but in the US its too expensive to have an over the top wedding because of labor costs

[Anonymous]

first wedding 25+ years ago there were 20 of us (6 from my family, 6 from his, 6 of our friends), did a church wedding, photographer, limo to reception in a private room at a charming french restaurant. the meal was $50pp, I sourced the champagne and cake separately. We honeymooned for a few days at bed and breakfast.

We spent less than $5000 all-in.

second wedding in 2011 we had about 60 guests, got married in a friends yard-- she probably spent around $2000 on chair rental, mosquito spraying, and a cheese and fruit setup. Another friend provided flowers and favors (chocolates from a local shop). Reception we rented out the top floor of a favorite restaurant, we spent around $100pp, which included about 60 bottles of wine and prosecco. I hired a friend to photograph the wedding-- I didn't really want a photographer, but she needed the work. The wedding and everything (rings, dress, etc) cost less than $10k all-in. We then took off for a three week honeymoon, where we probably spent another $5000.

The real problem is that there are plenty of venues where you can have less than 100 people and have a good party. Once you get over 200, you get sucked into the wedding industrial complex where there is a venue cost, and you have to use their approved vendors, and then suddenly you're paying for caterer, bar, valet services, tenting services, a photography team, DJ and band, wedding coordinator, and people start asking you whats your THEME, and what are your COLORS, and will there be a receiving line and oh yeah there are 300 extra guests you've never met before and will never see again. My in-laws initially tried to push for a 500+ person wedding, and I threatened to just hire a stand-in to replace me since it's not like anyone would know the difference. Our actual wedding was perfect for us, we had a wonderful and delicious time, and we were surrounded by friends and family we loved. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spent $20k on our wedding in 2005, in a major city. Parents chipped in $10k. It’s a once in a life time event, so we felt that it was worth it.

My parents set. $5K limit for wedding expenses inclusive of dress in mid-90s.
In-laws pitched in $2K so that we could host reception at a hotel ballroom.
There were 230 people in attendance in a major city (but not on either coast) and there was no DJ, dancing, or dinner served.

So I don’t know how PP was able to do a 2005 wedding on a $20K budget. Or maybe she meant $30K due to EXTRA $10K from parents? At any rate, on a $30K wedding budget in 1996, we would have probably been able to offer a buffet dinner with DJ/dancing and a champagne toast instead of punch and cake. But I don’t think it would have been enough for open bar, live band, seated dinner for that number of guests, even 25 years ago.
But you could probably do all that for 100-150 at about $75/pp and still get the venue, band/DJ, dress, photographer, flower$$, linens, centerpieces, etc for under $40K, right?

I spent around $25k in 2004. DJ wedding, at noon not dinner time, buffet, photographer but not videography, around 90 people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The social pressure to spend tens of thousands is immense. Even being financially secure it makes me cringe to spend this much.

We ignored all that. Had a tiny local wedding. DH, DW, parents, siblings, and no one else. Small ceremony at our local church with an honorarium for the pastor who officiated. Had a nice local group dinner, same small group, that night. We ere very very happy with the way everything went. We could have paid for larger more complicated wedding, just chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Does a big wedding make it more embarrassing to divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

Also to add, the DC area has a lot of Indians and for some reason they like to throw these over the top wedding and invite like 500 people so it might be a cultural thing i don't understand

Ha ha! Let me explain. I am an Indian Hindu. Having 200-500 guests is considered a smallish wedding. The reason for our huge (in American eyes) weddings is that we usually do know 500 people or more, and we do cultivate familial and non-familial relationships over our lifetimes. This is very cultural thing. Not inviting someone to your kid's wedding is seen as sending a message that the person is not important to you. Sometimes we also include guests that our parents and siblings want us to invite and that is because a wedding is seen as a family affair.

Also, most invitations (for Indian guests) is not addressed to the individual but for their whole family. Giving an invite to a person and add a +1 to it is considered insulting. Of course, we do that for non-Indians guests in the US. This explains why the numbers of guests swell up. Also, traditionally, Indian households are multi-generational, so an invitation to the family will include the grandparents and the kids too. American weddings usually frown upon kids of non-family guests.

Most Indian marriages do not end in divorce. Divorce rates are extremely low and so this is statistically a once in a lifetime cost for parents. Indian Hindu parents are responsible and culturally bound to get their kids married. This is their last parental duty (called Vivah Sanskar) towards their offsprings in their life according to our religious traditions. So, most Indian parents will start saving for the child's college and wedding from the time that the kids are born. Since the parents are paying for the wedding, the guest list is usually their own guest list and it includes all relatives from both sides. The bride and groom and groom's family will also include their lists. If the bride or groom do not have parents, usually a grandparent, uncles, aunts, siblings will step into the role of the parents and finance a wedding. So, there are quite a few very low-key weddings too that do not cost a bomb - but you do not hear about them.

IME - young Indians and Indian-Americans who did not have a traditional Indian wedding funded fully or partially by their parents or relatives, or have family participation and involvement may feel a deep sense of loss for lacking family support We have been raised and socialized since childhood for being part of these memorable, vibrant, big, multi day weddings that were part celebration, part family reunions, part cosmic chaos and we do want the same for ourselves and our children. Our traditions, culture, Bollywood, wedding industry etc have also portrayed weddings as very significant part of our lives. So to not have that kind of wedding or parents/relatives not taking it up as their responsibility is lonely and sad.

It is entirely another thing if the bride and groom are independently well-off and can fund their own wedding, or have decided to have a small wedding by choice (usually they will opt for an American or destination wedding because it is inexpensive), but usually these are couples in their 30s and more established. This is also true for "fusion" weddings where Indians are marrying someone of another culture, or people on their second marriages, or people who have busy lifestyles, or people who are of more mature age, or those who have altruistic motives, or people who want to save money - in such a case the couple decide to have a wedding the way they want to.

Finally, Indian-Americans are usually quite well-off. Their children are also usually in high paying jobs. In some way an Indian wedding is a FLEX of family unity and solidarity, continuation of Indian tradition, a chance to reconnect with friends and family, a demonstration of the accomplishment of the bride and groom, family connections and financial power. Most Indian-Americans are fully paying for college and wedding of their offsprings.

I'm Indian and Hindu too, and this is BS. The large, expensive weddings are done by Indians for the same reason they buy mansions and Teslas - as a show of status and wealth.

+1. Also Indian and Hindu and PP is romanticizing the lavish Indian wedding. They are soulless affairs meant to show off wealth and often hide a whole host of underlying problems in the family.

I disagree. But then I am actually a wealthy Indian.

You’re very defensive. I’m not claiming these people aren’t well to do. But the weddings are over the top and the families throwing them seem desperate to make an outsized statement of family unity or high status. They often don’t match the reality.

You are making assumptions about the weddings being over the top and people seeming desperate. How do you know? You are sounding bitter and jealous. Are you paying for their weddings?

Sorry, but culturally, go to Middle East and go to Indian subcontinent and you will see lavish weddings are common. Parents actually save for their children weddings all their lives. Just like they save for their kids colleges. This is culturally appropriate for us. May not be culturally appropriate for you. But, you do you. Also, exceptions prove the rule.

Not being defensive at all. Our parenting philosophy is different than the American way of parenting too. But, on individual level people can choose to spend money or not spend money on whatever they want to spend money on. There are enough Indian weddings where people do court marriage and go to a restaurant to celebrate. As long as people do not expect their guests to bankroll their MLM destination wedding and pay for their own drinks at the bar - why does it matter to anyone?

All affluent people are unhappy and suffering. If this makes you feel better about your life then so be it.

Sorry but you are sounding even more defensive. And I am Indian and Hindu so I’ve been to many typical, big Indian weddings. You may spout off about culture all you want but there’s no traditional cultural requirement or norm to have a huge, lavish wedding. The expectations have evolved for the Indian wedding to become that way because the families overextend themselves to outdo their relatives and friends. It’s all about competition and ego stroking.

You really sound bitter and poor. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

Also to add, the DC area has a lot of Indians and for some reason they like to throw these over the top wedding and invite like 500 people so it might be a cultural thing i don't understand

Ha ha! Let me explain. I am an Indian Hindu. Having 200-500 guests is considered a smallish wedding. The reason for our huge (in American eyes) weddings is that we usually do know 500 people or more, and we do cultivate familial and non-familial relationships over our lifetimes. This is very cultural thing. Not inviting someone to your kid's wedding is seen as sending a message that the person is not important to you. Sometimes we also include guests that our parents and siblings want us to invite and that is because a wedding is seen as a family affair.

Also, most invitations (for Indian guests) is not addressed to the individual but for their whole family. Giving an invite to a person and add a +1 to it is considered insulting. Of course, we do that for non-Indians guests in the US. This explains why the numbers of guests swell up. Also, traditionally, Indian households are multi-generational, so an invitation to the family will include the grandparents and the kids too. American weddings usually frown upon kids of non-family guests.

Most Indian marriages do not end in divorce. Divorce rates are extremely low and so this is statistically a once in a lifetime cost for parents. Indian Hindu parents are responsible and culturally bound to get their kids married. This is their last parental duty (called Vivah Sanskar) towards their offsprings in their life according to our religious traditions. So, most Indian parents will start saving for the child's college and wedding from the time that the kids are born. Since the parents are paying for the wedding, the guest list is usually their own guest list and it includes all relatives from both sides. The bride and groom and groom's family will also include their lists. If the bride or groom do not have parents, usually a grandparent, uncles, aunts, siblings will step into the role of the parents and finance a wedding. So, there are quite a few very low-key weddings too that do not cost a bomb - but you do not hear about them.

IME - young Indians and Indian-Americans who did not have a traditional Indian wedding funded fully or partially by their parents or relatives, or have family participation and involvement may feel a deep sense of loss for lacking family support We have been raised and socialized since childhood for being part of these memorable, vibrant, big, multi day weddings that were part celebration, part family reunions, part cosmic chaos and we do want the same for ourselves and our children. Our traditions, culture, Bollywood, wedding industry etc have also portrayed weddings as very significant part of our lives. So to not have that kind of wedding or parents/relatives not taking it up as their responsibility is lonely and sad.

It is entirely another thing if the bride and groom are independently well-off and can fund their own wedding, or have decided to have a small wedding by choice (usually they will opt for an American or destination wedding because it is inexpensive), but usually these are couples in their 30s and more established. This is also true for "fusion" weddings where Indians are marrying someone of another culture, or people on their second marriages, or people who have busy lifestyles, or people who are of more mature age, or those who have altruistic motives, or people who want to save money - in such a case the couple decide to have a wedding the way they want to.

Finally, Indian-Americans are usually quite well-off. Their children are also usually in high paying jobs. In some way an Indian wedding is a FLEX of family unity and solidarity, continuation of Indian tradition, a chance to reconnect with friends and family, a demonstration of the accomplishment of the bride and groom, family connections and financial power. Most Indian-Americans are fully paying for college and wedding of their offsprings.

I'm Indian and Hindu too, and this is BS. The large, expensive weddings are done by Indians for the same reason they buy mansions and Teslas - as a show of status and wealth.

+1. Also Indian and Hindu and PP is romanticizing the lavish Indian wedding. They are soulless affairs meant to show off wealth and often hide a whole host of underlying problems in the family.

I disagree. But then I am actually a wealthy Indian.

You’re very defensive. I’m not claiming these people aren’t well to do. But the weddings are over the top and the families throwing them seem desperate to make an outsized statement of family unity or high status. They often don’t match the reality.

You are making assumptions about the weddings being over the top and people seeming desperate. How do you know? You are sounding bitter and jealous. Are you paying for their weddings?

Sorry, but culturally, go to Middle East and go to Indian subcontinent and you will see lavish weddings are common. Parents actually save for their children weddings all their lives. Just like they save for their kids colleges. This is culturally appropriate for us. May not be culturally appropriate for you. But, you do you. Also, exceptions prove the rule.

Not being defensive at all. Our parenting philosophy is different than the American way of parenting too. But, on individual level people can choose to spend money or not spend money on whatever they want to spend money on. There are enough Indian weddings where people do court marriage and go to a restaurant to celebrate. As long as people do not expect their guests to bankroll their MLM destination wedding and pay for their own drinks at the bar - why does it matter to anyone?

All affluent people are unhappy and suffering. If this makes you feel better about your life then so be it.

Sorry but you are sounding even more defensive. And I am Indian and Hindu so I’ve been to many typical, big Indian weddings. You may spout off about culture all you want but there’s no traditional cultural requirement or norm to have a huge, lavish wedding. The expectations have evolved for the Indian wedding to become that way because the families overextend themselves to outdo their relatives and friends. It’s all about competition and ego stroking.

You really sound bitter and poor. I am sorry.

And you sound like one of those defensive Indians who thinks showing off will get you respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The social pressure to spend tens of thousands is immense. Even being financially secure it makes me cringe to spend this much.

Don't. It needs to be a happy and fun occasion, not an expensive and impressive one.