Weddings are horribly expensive

[Anonymous]

Do something cheap. I just went to a wedding where the couple spent six figures. It was fun but over in a few hours.

We had 60 people in a restaurant. In hindsight, we should have done a just families and super close friends and kept it even cheaper. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

It's easy: have a big expensive wedding if you want, or don't have a big expensive wedding if you want.

[Anonymous]

We eloped. Only husband and I. It was the best time ever. We got on a plane, went to a tropical location, got married on the beach and then spent a week on a honeymoon. Everyone just thought we were vacationing. No one needed to know about our wedding. If it came up in conversation, we told. But other than that, we didn't. I prefer the intimacy and the closeness. For us, marriage is just between us. We are going strong 10 years later. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So don't. Just do a small simple wedding.

Yup If you have the money and the kids want a big event and you enjoy spending $100K+ on their wedding, then go for it

Otherwise, determine how much YOU can afford and are willing to spend. Tell the couple and let them choose.

We will happily splurge for a huge wedding for our kids, if they want. We can afford it. However, it's their wedding and they get to pick. Yes we want some of our friends to come, but majority are people our kids have grown up with. And by friends, it would likely only be 10-12 couples---not too much to ask if we are paying. But then again if my kids want a small intimate wedding with only 50 people or less, then we will respect that and not invite friends (and instead offer to throw a big party later if they would like with our friends and extended family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We ended up having a small wedding (fewer than 40 people) at a local restaurant. We made a playlist for the music, a family member officiated, I did the flowers myself, and we hired a relatively inexpensive part time photographer (she did a great job with the photos). We don’t have any video. DH got a new suit and I bought my dress on eBay for like $100 (cost more to have it taken in!). We also hosted the rehearsal dinner at a different restaurant for maybe 25ish people. Beer & wine only at both events. Cost about $10k, 10 years ago, which was the absolute max of our budget. DH was in grad school at the time, we had only my income at the time and paid for it ourselves with a mix of savings and credit cards.

I don’t have any regrets, but we wanted a small wedding.

You have your priorities straight, and you are not feeding into the hype - you get it.

But if you can afford the expensive lavish wedding and want it, go for it. We will spend $200-250K if needed for each kid's wedding, but we also plan to give them $200-300K (or more) for a downpayment. It will also be their choice---if they want a small, less expensive wedding they can have it and we will give them more for the downpayment/honeymoon.

So if you cannot afford it, it is ridiculous to spend but if you can easily afford it, go for whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

We paid for two expensive weddings in the $80-90k range but they were ten years ago so they’d likely be twice that today. My husband kept rolling his eyes but we have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So don't. Just do a small simple wedding.

Yup If you have the money and the kids want a big event and you enjoy spending $100K+ on their wedding, then go for it

Otherwise, determine how much YOU can afford and are willing to spend. Tell the couple and let them choose.

We will happily splurge for a huge wedding for our kids, if they want. We can afford it. However, it's their wedding and they get to pick. Yes we want some of our friends to come, but majority are people our kids have grown up with. And by friends, it would likely only be 10-12 couples---not too much to ask if we are paying. But then again if my kids want a small intimate wedding with only 50 people or less, then we will respect that and not invite friends (and instead offer to throw a big party later if they would like with our friends and extended family).

NP- ours wasn't a money thing. We only wanted our close friends and our big family. We didn't allow parent friends. We had 100 people, so your 12 couples would have been 1/4 the wedding. Despite dating for 5 years, I'd never met my inlaws' best friends and wouldn't have had them at the wedding for that reason.

[Anonymous]

I think by the time my kids get married, their weddings will be small unless they have a ton of their own friends to invite. We are a tiny family, one sibling each, it’s unlikely the older generation will still be around given their age versus our kids’ ages, we don’t seem to have cultivated the same wide social circle my mom did…when we got married, we had 125 attendees. About 15 were our friends, 20 were my spouses family/his parents’ friends, and the remaining 90 were all my mom’s friends and family. There’s no way my spouse and I have 90 friends/family we would insist in inviting to our children’s’ weddings. Maybe 12 immediate family members and a dozen friends, if that, and even then, we’d not insist, but offer to foot the bill for our guests if our children have the kind of weddings that can accommodate people we’d like to invite.

Unlike my mom, who basically just took over and threw a party for her family and friends. Which is fine. I didn’t care either way, but I flat out told her if she wanted a party for people I wouldn’t have otherwise invited then she could pay for it because we would have only invited 40 people including ourselves and our parents given our budget and interest level in having people attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The social pressure to spend tens of thousands is immense. Even being financially secure it makes me cringe to spend this much.

They do not have to be.

[Anonymous]

It is the showing off to impress that bothers me.

Same with bar mitzvahs.

Sort of a desperate striving or something.

[Anonymous]

My dad is a pastor. Probably done a 1000 weddings. He hates big weddings and I agree.

My wife and I are on the introverted side and went to a temple in an Asian country we had a connection to. Just enough room inside for parents, a few local close friends, family, live music, dancer and a priest. Total cost including photographer, suits, flowers was about $10k in todays dollars.

Best wedding ever.

[Anonymous]

My next wedding will be me, the person I'm marrying and a witness. If I'm in Vegas, one of those cheap wedding chapel weddings will do.

If my partner wants or expects a big wedding, then I'm marrying the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, we decided to have our wedding in this rural spot on the west coast, and let me tell you, it was the best decision ever. We kept the budget chill, under $12k for the whole ceremony and reception dinner, not counting the big-ticket items like rings and other major expenses. Instead, we put that cash towards a really nice ring and a downpayment for our house.

We picked the coolest hotel in the area, which was more like this awesome lodge with a great restaurant and a super authentic vibe. It was a bit out of the way, so our friends had to fly in. This meant only our real friends showed up, which was kind of the whole idea. Flights weren't too pricey back then, but they're probably more now. Our wedding was all about keeping it real, surrounded by nature and decorating local flowers, local foods, wines, beer and decor etc, no need for all that extra fancy stuff and it was all affordable as it was in a rural area.

In my opinion, you're better off either having a laid-back wedding in town or choosing a place where the natural scenery does all the work. Those super pricey, over-the-top east coast weddings? To me, they kind of give off a tacky, try-hard vibe, like they're pushing to be something they're not – almost like being in a diseny theme park, and they probably cost like 100K.

Here's the deal: don't go all out spending on your wedding. Ours didn't break the bank, and honestly, we were so busy we barely had time to soak it all in. Your true friends will have a great time regardless of the budget. Plus, saving on the wedding means you can splurge on stuff that really counts, like an amazing ring or a house downpayment. Focus on what's gonna be meaningful for you in the long run.

Also to add, the DC area has a lot of Indians and for some reason they like to throw these over the top wedding and invite like 500 people so it might be a cultural thing i don't understand

Ha ha! Let me explain. I am an Indian Hindu. Having 200-500 guests is considered a smallish wedding. The reason for our huge (in American eyes) weddings is that we usually do know 500 people or more, and we do cultivate familial and non-familial relationships over our lifetimes. This is very cultural thing. Not inviting someone to your kid's wedding is seen as sending a message that the person is not important to you. Sometimes we also include guests that our parents and siblings want us to invite and that is because a wedding is seen as a family affair.

Also, most invitations (for Indian guests) is not addressed to the individual but for their whole family. Giving an invite to a person and add a +1 to it is considered insulting. Of course, we do that for non-Indians guests in the US. This explains why the numbers of guests swell up. Also, traditionally, Indian households are multi-generational, so an invitation to the family will include the grandparents and the kids too. American weddings usually frown upon kids of non-family guests.

Most Indian marriages do not end in divorce. Divorce rates are extremely low and so this is statistically a once in a lifetime cost for parents. Indian Hindu parents are responsible and culturally bound to get their kids married. This is their last parental duty (called Vivah Sanskar) towards their offsprings in their life according to our religious traditions. So, most Indian parents will start saving for the child's college and wedding from the time that the kids are born. Since the parents are paying for the wedding, the guest list is usually their own guest list and it includes all relatives from both sides. The bride and groom and groom's family will also include their lists. If the bride or groom do not have parents, usually a grandparent, uncles, aunts, siblings will step into the role of the parents and finance a wedding. So, there are quite a few very low-key weddings too that do not cost a bomb - but you do not hear about them.

IME - young Indians and Indian-Americans who did not have a traditional Indian wedding funded fully or partially by their parents or relatives, or have family participation and involvement may feel a deep sense of loss for lacking family support We have been raised and socialized since childhood for being part of these memorable, vibrant, big, multi day weddings that were part celebration, part family reunions, part cosmic chaos and we do want the same for ourselves and our children. Our traditions, culture, Bollywood, wedding industry etc have also portrayed weddings as very significant part of our lives. So to not have that kind of wedding or parents/relatives not taking it up as their responsibility is lonely and sad.

It is entirely another thing if the bride and groom are independently well-off and can fund their own wedding, or have decided to have a small wedding by choice (usually they will opt for an American or destination wedding because it is inexpensive), but usually these are couples in their 30s and more established. This is also true for "fusion" weddings where Indians are marrying someone of another culture, or people on their second marriages, or people who have busy lifestyles, or people who are of more mature age, or those who have altruistic motives, or people who want to save money - in such a case the couple decide to have a wedding the way they want to.

Finally, Indian-Americans are usually quite well-off. Their children are also usually in high paying jobs. In some way an Indian wedding is a FLEX of family unity and solidarity, continuation of Indian tradition, a chance to reconnect with friends and family, a demonstration of the accomplishment of the bride and groom, family connections and financial power. Most Indian-Americans are fully paying for college and wedding of their offsprings.

I'm Indian and Hindu too, and this is BS. The large, expensive weddings are done by Indians for the same reason they buy mansions and Teslas - as a show of status and wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't even find a decent man to date, how was I going to find one I wanted to marry and spend tens of thousands to do so. I also have few friends and family here. Who was going to come?
I don't care for a house, nice car, pets, funerals, wrapping presents, backyard parties, holidays.
I asked my boys not to have kids or get married. Very selfish I know.

Not selfish, depressed.

[Anonymous]

I had a nice wedding which DH and I mostly paid for. It would probably seem unimpressive by today's standard. About 100 friends and family, rabbi, garden wedding with a flower chuppah, buffet lunch in a small hotel with a small wedding band, simple 3 layer white cake decorated with fresh flowers and no groom's cake. We put some expenses on a credit card and paid it off before our anniversary. We're still happily married and would probably have done it even smaller if we married today. Do what makes you happy and don't go into substantial debt.