girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many people attacking OP?

She is planning a vacation for her immediate family. She is navigating a new situation and asked for advice.

Some seem to be suggesting that a family vacation itself is somehow wrong. I don't get that. This board is full of talk of family vacations with adults. Is it expected that this ONLY happens if there are grandchildren involved, and all vacationing together should stop from 18/21yo to grandkids?

I have vacationed with my parents and sibling roughly every two years my entire life. At a certain point, those trips began to include significant others, and then grandkids. I've even traveled with just my mom as an adult, and several times my mom and my SIL. I enjoy the experience and there is nothing inherently wrong with it, in fact it is very nice.

OP, I do recommend inviting the significant other and paying her full cost. But I also understand that the line falls somewhere between "dating for two months" and "married" And sometimes it can be hard to find it. Of course anybody invited should feel free to decline if it doesn't work for them.

I hope it works out for you!


And thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom planned a family vacation early in my career and when I told her it wasn’t a good time for me to be gone she said you’re new how much could they need you. Ended up having to rely on a colleague to close out a project i had been working on for a year. That was ages ago and I still remember being annoyed at my mom’s assumption that my schedule was at her disposal.


Point is your son is an adult with his own life so agree OP should be hoping he is willing to use his leave to take this trip and should at least include the GF as a member of the family

Again, this has zero to do with my situation. Son blocked out the time ages ago and is super excited about the trip. He helped choose the location before GF was in the picture. As I said above, we would be ok if he decided not to go. We haven't bought the tickets yet.

[Anonymous]

One of our then 20-something daughters had a boyfriend she was serious about and who she’d been with for about as long as your son has been with his GF when we were planning an extravagant trip well over a year in advance. We invited the guy (treating him no different than another daughter’s husband) and said we would pay and he declined, honestly telling our daughter that while he appreciated the gesture he didn’t feel comfortable accepting since they hadn’t been together very long and the trip was so far in the future.

They were still together by the time the trip rolled around and he didn’t go because it was too late to work him. It was such a bummer. Ultimately they got married.

My advice: if you’re offering to pay for everybody else, you offer to pay for her. The idea that you can offer to pay for your 25 year old son to vacation with you but not his live in girlfriend is a non-starter. Those days are over.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, OP's son has had several very serious girlfriends and he is only 25 so like changes one every year. Its okay if they don't want to invite someone they don't know to a long family trip. Its not like she is his steady girlfriend of 3-4 years from college and its just a matter of time they get hitched.

That being said, they should invite him and let him know that if he wants to invite her and she wants to come along, she is welcome to book her flight and join, all other expenses are covered. If money isn't a big issue then just pay for the flight as well.

[Anonymous]

If they are indeed serious, it may not sit well that she is getting treated differently than him and it may set the tone for future.

[Anonymous]

Also depends on her, one person may not want to come and other would love you. Same way one may not care at all about having to buy her own ticket and other might feel slighted or offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
25 year old son has had several very serious girlfriends, a bit of a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married. Moved in with current girlfriend after just a few months of dating. It's now been another six months or so, and they do absolutely everything together - there is no "I" anymore, just "we." We love the girlfriend, she's great and we hope they stay together. But do we need to invite her on family vacation to an expensive faraway place next spring? We are already buying the tickets. I am sure son will angle for her to come. We've settled on not mentioning her, and if he asks we say we would love for her to join but they need to buy the plane ticket? Is that fair? Who knows if they will still be together next year. And also, is it selfish to want to have family together without girlfriend? While she is great, we never ever see son alone anymore. How do people navigate this?

Are these "serious girlfriends" or "nannies"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, OP's son has had several very serious girlfriends and he is only 25 so like changes one every year. Its okay if they don't want to invite someone they don't know to a long family trip. Its not like she is his steady girlfriend of 3-4 years from college and its just a matter of time they get hitched.

That being said, they should invite him and let him know that if he wants to invite her and she wants to come along, she is welcome to book her flight and join, all other expenses are covered. If money isn't a big issue then just pay for the flight as well.

Oh please. The real issue isn’t the money. It’s that OP doesn’t want her son bringing any one with him. And that shipped has sailed. He’s 25, an adult, will always have a girlfriend from now on, and isn’t monmy’s little boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

As someone with adult children in their 20’s, I think the important factor regarding OP’s son is that he currently lives with the girlfriend. If they were just casually dating, it could go either way regarding inviting her. Living together means they are living their daily lives like an engaged or married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

You need to do some serious rethinking about how you handle money and your adult kids. Clearly if he doesn’t marry this girlfriend, he will marry another one in a few years. You said it yourself. Despite all evidence that this is a very serious relationship with a strong possibility of marriage, you want to give large gifts to your son only and treat the girlfriend differently. You also (expressly or impliedly) are using your money to get your son to do something you want (join the family vacation) and now are also considering using your money as a way to discourage the girlfriend from attebding. That’s going to be a minefield of resentment if you don’t get it under control. You need to truly internalize that when your son gets married he becomes a financial unit with his wife. That means you cannot/should not control him with money, and any gifts you make will be to them together. You can let him decide how to handle any inheritance. If you want to make a very large gift (like a downpayment on a house) there are ways you could try to maintain more control but you need to tread extremely carefully there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, OP's son has had several very serious girlfriends and he is only 25 so like changes one every year. Its okay if they don't want to invite someone they don't know to a long family trip. Its not like she is his steady girlfriend of 3-4 years from college and its just a matter of time they get hitched.

That being said, they should invite him and let him know that if he wants to invite her and she wants to come along, she is welcome to book her flight and join, all other expenses are covered. If money isn't a big issue then just pay for the flight as well.

Oh please. The real issue isn’t the money. It’s that OP doesn’t want her son bringing any one with him. And that shipped has sailed. He’s 25, an adult, will always have a girlfriend from now on, and isn’t monmy’s little boy.

So where is the line for you? If he has been dating someone for five months, should she be invite? How about five weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

You need to do some serious rethinking about how you handle money and your adult kids. Clearly if he doesn’t marry this girlfriend, he will marry another one in a few years. You said it yourself. Despite all evidence that this is a very serious relationship with a strong possibility of marriage, you want to give large gifts to your son only and treat the girlfriend differently. You also (expressly or impliedly) are using your money to get your son to do something you want (join the family vacation) and now are also considering using your money as a way to discourage the girlfriend from attebding. That’s going to be a minefield of resentment if you don’t get it under control. You need to truly internalize that when your son gets married he becomes a financial unit with his wife. That means you cannot/should not control him with money, and any gifts you make will be to them together. You can let him decide how to handle any inheritance. If you want to make a very large gift (like a downpayment on a house) there are ways you could try to maintain more control but you need to tread extremely carefully there.

What is your specific advice on this situation then? Should she enthusiastically invite the girlfriend? If so, should she pay? Or she should just not plan and invite her son on trips at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, OP's son has had several very serious girlfriends and he is only 25 so like changes one every year. Its okay if they don't want to invite someone they don't know to a long family trip. Its not like she is his steady girlfriend of 3-4 years from college and its just a matter of time they get hitched.

That being said, they should invite him and let him know that if he wants to invite her and she wants to come along, she is welcome to book her flight and join, all other expenses are covered. If money isn't a big issue then just pay for the flight as well.

Oh please. The real issue isn’t the money. It’s that OP doesn’t want her son bringing any one with him. And that shipped has sailed. He’s 25, an adult, will always have a girlfriend from now on, and isn’t monmy’s little boy.

So where is the line for you? If he has been dating someone for five months, should she be invite? How about five weeks?

We don’t need to dwell in hypotheticals. Here we have a 25 year old living with his GF of several months. That’s the reality we are living with.

[Anonymous]

I think you invite and offer to pay for the gf, if you’d do the same for him. At least ask him if he wants you to. If she doesn’t come he’s going to spend the entire trip glued to his phone and talking to her anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, OP's son has had several very serious girlfriends and he is only 25 so like changes one every year. Its okay if they don't want to invite someone they don't know to a long family trip. Its not like she is his steady girlfriend of 3-4 years from college and its just a matter of time they get hitched.

That being said, they should invite him and let him know that if he wants to invite her and she wants to come along, she is welcome to book her flight and join, all other expenses are covered. If money isn't a big issue then just pay for the flight as well.

Oh please. The real issue isn’t the money. It’s that OP doesn’t want her son bringing any one with him. And that shipped has sailed. He’s 25, an adult, will always have a girlfriend from now on, and isn’t monmy’s little boy.

So where is the line for you? If he has been dating someone for five months, should she be invite? How about five weeks?

We don’t need to dwell in hypotheticals. Here we have a 25 year old living with his GF of several months. That’s the reality we are living with.

But you said "he will always have a girlfriend" so I assume that was a relevant point. So the line is anybody that the son would refer to as his girlfriend gets included?