girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

He’s 25. As much as I will want my kids to still do a nuclear family vacation until I am 100 and they are 70, realistically at over 20 they are an adult living their own life with significant others who are their main focus. It would be weird to not invite the partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s 25. As much as I will want my kids to still do a nuclear family vacation until I am 100 and they are 70, realistically at over 20 they are an adult living their own life with significant others who are their main focus. It would be weird to not invite the partner.

m
Adding that you are lucky you got a family vacation this long. I stopped traveling with my parents at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

Did you bring every boyfriend you ever had everywhere with you, on your family trips and all holidays? Really? How weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

Did you bring every boyfriend you ever had everywhere with you, on your family trips and all holidays? Really? How weird.

I didn’t go on family holidays when I was 25. When I did vacation with my family, I would certainly bring my girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Hard to believe some of the entitled responses here.
I would never assumed my bf parents would pay for me to travel. Never.
And whether they are living together or apart this relationship has not surpassed a year yet!

OP, I would simply ask DS how he feels about the trip now. Does he still want to go?
Agree, if DS doesn’t want to go anymore that is fine. If he says ‘this is the one’, I would certainly consider inviting/paying, but as a potential DIL, I would never begrudge my ILs for nit inviting me when I first started dating their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

Well, it's only a lot because you chose such an expensive trip. Minneapolis is lovely in the springtime, you know.

Oh FFS. Why don’t they just stay in a Red Roof Inn in rural Maryland? Then they could also pay for the girlfriend’s parents, siblings, and orthodontist to come as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're wrong to want the nuclear family to have time together. It's ok to feel how you feel. And I think it's fine to want to see your son alone from time to time, or to want to squeeze in one last family-only trip before the next phase of his adult life begins. But it's crystal clear you would resent including the woman your son has chosen, and that's weird. If the cost of one more ticket is unbearable for you, then you can't really afford this trip. And you need to get used to him having a partner. Some day he will marry, and then he'll be spending half the holidays with his wife's family. And it might not be too long from now. So yes, I suggest you wrap your head around the idea that your phase of life is changing, your son is becoming a married man with his own marriage and household to prioritize, and you're going to get a lot less of his time and attention. When they start having kids it might be even less than that. Get used to it.

I think it's unlikely they're going to want to do this at all, regardless of who pays. Heck, he probably wouldn't want to do it even if he were single. Vacationing with younger siblings just isn't that fun, especially when you don't have much annual leave so every day is precious. And vacationing with someone else's younger siblings and his mother who doesn't really want you to come, is awkward and extremely unpleasant.

HE IS 25 YEARS OLD! He is IN the adult phase of his life. You and OP seem to be quite confused about this.

He's in one phase of his adult life (young adult dating) and he's about to enter another phase (marriage).

This isn’t clear at all. OP described him as a “serial monogamist” who moved in with this girlfriend after 3 months. That doesn’t bespeak a particularly mature adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

Why does he assume this? That’s a pretty entitled outlook. I think he should pay for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

You need to do some serious rethinking about how you handle money and your adult kids. Clearly if he doesn’t marry this girlfriend, he will marry another one in a few years. You said it yourself. Despite all evidence that this is a very serious relationship with a strong possibility of marriage, you want to give large gifts to your son only and treat the girlfriend differently. You also (expressly or impliedly) are using your money to get your son to do something you want (join the family vacation) and now are also considering using your money as a way to discourage the girlfriend from attebding. That’s going to be a minefield of resentment if you don’t get it under control. You need to truly internalize that when your son gets married he becomes a financial unit with his wife. That means you cannot/should not control him with money, and any gifts you make will be to them together. You can let him decide how to handle any inheritance. If you want to make a very large gift (like a downpayment on a house) there are ways you could try to maintain more control but you need to tread extremely carefully there.

What is your specific advice on this situation then? Should she enthusiastically invite the girlfriend? If so, should she pay? Or she should just not plan and invite her son on trips at all?

Probably offer to pay, since the trip was already planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

Did you bring every boyfriend you ever had everywhere with you, on your family trips and all holidays? Really? How weird.

Once they are serious - yes. And for most people “family trips” aren’t really a thing anyway with adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion: since this trip was planned long before the GF showed up, it should be maintained as a nuclear family vacation. If the son bows out, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me and I was having heartburn about paying for son’s partner, I’d plan a different less expensive vacation where I would be willing to pay. There is no way that I would ask the partner to pay if I weren’t expecting my own kids to pay. It will forever change your relationship with your son and likely will poison the relationship with his partner for a long time to come.

This is what I’d do. I’d plan a driveable vacation in a large house that allows for them both to come for whatever length of time that works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: since this trip was planned long before the GF showed up, it should be maintained as a nuclear family vacation. If the son bows out, so be it.

If they can’t afford to add her, maybe. But if it’s just to make a point about money, the strength of the relationship m, or making a claim to “alone time” with the adult son, then could go badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: since this trip was planned long before the GF showed up, it should be maintained as a nuclear family vacation. If the son bows out, so be it.

Also known as "cutting off your nose to spite your face."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

Did you bring every boyfriend you ever had everywhere with you, on your family trips and all holidays? Really? How weird.

Once they are serious - yes. And for most people “family trips” aren’t really a thing anyway with adult kids.

This makes me laugh for two reasons:
1. It assumes that PP’s own lives experience is the norm

2. That even if it IS unusual to take family trips with adult children, that it is somehow bad or wrong.