You just never know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Basically this is the situation. I am a little concerned that saying too much here will risking outing the couple involved, which I really really don’t want to do. But man am I in a pickle.

I worked very closely with the husband for many years and was his superior. I’m over a decade older than him. I don’t need him for anything.

We became very good friends both inside of work and out. I became friends with the wife, too. She’s great. My entire family thinks highly of both of them. I haven’t told them yet and when I do they will be floored. I don’t even know how or what to tell them.

Since I left my job several years ago to retire early the husband has literally been the only former colleague I’ve had anything to do with. I had no interest in remaining in any contact with anyone else. That’s how close we are.

I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage and that he was the perfect husband. I honestly did.

He called about a week ago and said they were having some issues and asked if he could stay at our place for a while. I had to say no because I knew my spouse would feel awkward about it. I suggested we get together and talk things over.

When we got together, he told me that he was originally attracted to his wife because she was a very strong woman, but as the years has gone by she’s become too dependent on him and too clingy and he doesn’t like it. He also said he’s not the same guy he was. He’s gone from struggling to a good amount of professional success (makes in the half a million range) and no longer finds his wife to be his “intellectual equal.” As I said earlier, they’re childless and she’s always worked - but she makes less than 1/3 of what he does.

He then told me that for years he tried to fake it and then starting stepping out and compartmentalizing his adventures because he never thought he’d ever actually leave his wife and wasn’t romantically interested in anyone he hooked up with either. Then he met someone he does have feelings for. She is more than 20 years younger than his wife, who by the way is several years older than him.

So he basically said he sat himself down and said “I love my wife as a person but have zero romantic love for her anymore. Do I want a romantic partner in my future or a roommate? Do I keep pretending to keep appearances up and make her and everyone else happy, or do I try and make myself happy?”

He chose the latter. When he told her, he said, she literally had no clue. She had no idea that anything was even remotely wrong with their marriage. She thought she was married to the nicest guy in the world.

Now he’s asking to lean on me, not only in terms of lending an ear but also in terms of putting him up while he figures out next steps, etc. There are ways I could do that pretty easily, to be honest, and he knows it.

So now I have to make decisions.

What another overly long superfluous post OP.

That’s for the fiction read. You’re so vested in this and trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are shocked we are divorcing. Husband going through a textbook midlife crisis and sleeping with younger women. Completely out of character with the successful family man image he had for the last 14 years.

I have a good friend who on the surface could be this man. But the truth is that he's still a good family man even while being extremely successful and prominent in his profession and in the community. He's showing his kids that it's healthy to pursue happiness rather than live in misery. But that's bound up with how the wife treats him. If his wife falls short and doesn't appreciate him then he has every right to pursue that happiness. As he pursues happiness, he will NEVER stop being the most loving father to his kids. He and the Mom don't need to live together to be the best parents possible, and sometimes they need to find happiness apart and live separately in order to parent at their best.

Yes, my friend has wound up with another woman and yes she's 25-30 years younger than him. But he was depressed after being married twenty years to a woman who had declined in so many ways and looked at him as an errand boy to cut down on her SAHM workload raising their two boys. It took the almost divine intervention of such a joyful, captivating and energetic young woman to show him that he DESERVES to be happy and has earned the right to respect for all that he's accomplished and is achieving and earning.

So at face value yes, it's a "midlife crisis". But if you know him, and you know the ex, and you met his GF, you would understand why he needed to cut the cord. He and the kids are so much happier for him doing so.

Sounds like a guy who just needs to be worshipped.

And the poster sounds like the new woman.

[Anonymous]

This thread took a trollish turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Basically this is the situation. I am a little concerned that saying too much here will risking outing the couple involved, which I really really don’t want to do. But man am I in a pickle.

I worked very closely with the husband for many years and was his superior. I’m over a decade older than him. I don’t need him for anything.

We became very good friends both inside of work and out. I became friends with the wife, too. She’s great. My entire family thinks highly of both of them. I haven’t told them yet and when I do they will be floored. I don’t even know how or what to tell them.

Since I left my job several years ago to retire early the husband has literally been the only former colleague I’ve had anything to do with. I had no interest in remaining in any contact with anyone else. That’s how close we are.

I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage and that he was the perfect husband. I honestly did.

He called about a week ago and said they were having some issues and asked if he could stay at our place for a while. I had to say no because I knew my spouse would feel awkward about it. I suggested we get together and talk things over.

When we got together, he told me that he was originally attracted to his wife because she was a very strong woman, but as the years has gone by she’s become too dependent on him and too clingy and he doesn’t like it. He also said he’s not the same guy he was. He’s gone from struggling to a good amount of professional success (makes in the half a million range) and no longer finds his wife to be his “intellectual equal.” As I said earlier, they’re childless and she’s always worked - but she makes less than 1/3 of what he does.

He then told me that for years he tried to fake it and then starting stepping out and compartmentalizing his adventures because he never thought he’d ever actually leave his wife and wasn’t romantically interested in anyone he hooked up with either. Then he met someone he does have feelings for. She is more than 20 years younger than his wife, who by the way is several years older than him.

So he basically said he sat himself down and said “I love my wife as a person but have zero romantic love for her anymore. Do I want a romantic partner in my future or a roommate? Do I keep pretending to keep appearances up and make her and everyone else happy, or do I try and make myself happy?”

He chose the latter. When he told her, he said, she literally had no clue. She had no idea that anything was even remotely wrong with their marriage. She thought she was married to the nicest guy in the world.

Now he’s asking to lean on me, not only in terms of lending an ear but also in terms of putting him up while he figures out next steps, etc. There are ways I could do that pretty easily, to be honest, and he knows it.

So now I have to make decisions.

On whom does the jilted wife lean? Again, what a statement that would be if you said "no", you're not going to endorse his treatment of his wife in any way. Putting him up does exactly that.

He's going to be responsible for giving resources and possibly alimony to the soon-to-be ex. Obviously he and the new woman will want to minimize spending anywhere else since this will be such a hit. Thus the desire to be put up while he figures out next steps.

I'm sorry, but if he's earning a half a million a year he can affort a hotel. And just because his wife makes 1/3 of what he does (that is still 133,000/annum) doesn't make her his "intellectual inferior." She could be a PhD. Work in the schools. Work with non-profits. Be a nurse or a physical therapist. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Let me see if I can summarize this. Guy married a woman a bit his senior, which sounded intentional, as he was attracted to a “strong woman”. He then gets older himself and becomes successful, cheats serially for years, not coincidentally wants to couple up now that he’s even older (with someone 20 years his junior, no less), and wants to crash at his married former boss’s house (not new GF) while he figures out how to leave his “clingy” wife (who also works). Do I have that about right?

Not the topic of your post OP, but people like this are vile. I appreciate that he was your friend; it also sounds like he worked for you so consider that you were and may remain someone in his life who is merely useful to him. But honestly, what a cliche and frankly a bad human being. No one has to stay married. But respectable adults know how to get a divorce and book a hotel room. I wish you luck. This guy sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but if they don't have kids... who cares?

Well, she does for one. She’s in her 50s, has been with him for decades, had no clue anything was wrong, and had been assuming they’d be married to the grave.

She also was talking about early retirement.

She is going to get a boatload in alimony.

[Anonymous]

Life's just complicated. Our good friends and neighbors are getting divorced after 20 years together. He's a prominent and well-published medical researcher just over 50, and left his wife for his lab assistant out of college. But he's really prominent in his specialty, and our son in college wants to enter that specialty based on looking up to this man and his accomplishments. So we have to accept what happened and understand it's not our place to judge his choices, even if that means the wife won't talk with us anymore. We can't blackball our son before he even takes the MCATs.

My advice as a physician: If your son’s entire pre-MCAT path to med school is comprised of riding the coattails of your dirtbag neighbor, I’d advise applying to law school instead, where he’ll fit in just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Life's just complicated. Our good friends and neighbors are getting divorced after 20 years together. He's a prominent and well-published medical researcher just over 50, and left his wife for his lab assistant out of college. But he's really prominent in his specialty, and our son in college wants to enter that specialty based on looking up to this man and his accomplishments. So we have to accept what happened and understand it's not our place to judge his choices, even if that means the wife won't talk with us anymore. We can't blackball our son before he even takes the MCATs.

My advice as a physician: If your son’s entire pre-MCAT path to med school is comprised of riding the coattails of your dirtbag neighbor, I’d advise applying to law school instead, where he’ll fit in just fine.

This is really solid career advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Basically this is the situation. I am a little concerned that saying too much here will risking outing the couple involved, which I really really don’t want to do. But man am I in a pickle.

I worked very closely with the husband for many years and was his superior. I’m over a decade older than him. I don’t need him for anything.

We became very good friends both inside of work and out. I became friends with the wife, too. She’s great. My entire family thinks highly of both of them. I haven’t told them yet and when I do they will be floored. I don’t even know how or what to tell them.

Since I left my job several years ago to retire early the husband has literally been the only former colleague I’ve had anything to do with. I had no interest in remaining in any contact with anyone else. That’s how close we are.

I honestly thought they had the perfect marriage and that he was the perfect husband. I honestly did.

He called about a week ago and said they were having some issues and asked if he could stay at our place for a while. I had to say no because I knew my spouse would feel awkward about it. I suggested we get together and talk things over.

When we got together, he told me that he was originally attracted to his wife because she was a very strong woman, but as the years has gone by she’s become too dependent on him and too clingy and he doesn’t like it. He also said he’s not the same guy he was. He’s gone from struggling to a good amount of professional success (makes in the half a million range) and no longer finds his wife to be his “intellectual equal.” As I said earlier, they’re childless and she’s always worked - but she makes less than 1/3 of what he does.

He then told me that for years he tried to fake it and then starting stepping out and compartmentalizing his adventures because he never thought he’d ever actually leave his wife and wasn’t romantically interested in anyone he hooked up with either. Then he met someone he does have feelings for. She is more than 20 years younger than his wife, who by the way is several years older than him.

So he basically said he sat himself down and said “I love my wife as a person but have zero romantic love for her anymore. Do I want a romantic partner in my future or a roommate? Do I keep pretending to keep appearances up and make her and everyone else happy, or do I try and make myself happy?”

He chose the latter. When he told her, he said, she literally had no clue. She had no idea that anything was even remotely wrong with their marriage. She thought she was married to the nicest guy in the world.

Now he’s asking to lean on me, not only in terms of lending an ear but also in terms of putting him up while he figures out next steps, etc. There are ways I could do that pretty easily, to be honest, and he knows it.

So now I have to make decisions.

What another overly long superfluous post OP.

That’s for the fiction read. You’re so vested in this and trolling.

That was a wild one indeed to drop in the middle of the thread OP Troll.

Can’t tell if you just can’t stop yourself from layering on the nonsense or you’re totally clueless.

[Anonymous]

Well, she does for one. She’s in her 50s, has been with him for decades, had no clue anything was wrong, and had been assuming they’d be married to the grave.

She also was talking about early retirement.

The guy had issues for 5 years and instead of being an adult and communicating with his wife, he decided to be a serial cheater until he found someone he thought was a step up, then complete blindsided his wife who reasonably didn’t even know he was unhappy because he never used his words. What an axxhole. Also, he’s definitely rewriting history to justify things so he doesn’t have to admit to himself what king of person he really is.

[Anonymous]

^ what kind of wording, definitely not a king of a person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but if they don't have kids... who cares?

Well, she does for one. She’s in her 50s, has been with him for decades, had no clue anything was wrong, and had been assuming they’d be married to the grave.

She also was talking about early retirement.

She is going to get a boatload in alimony.

Will she, though? They don’t have kids, she has an education and career herself, has always worked, etc. She’ll get half of the assets that they have accumulated over the years, half his 401k, etc., but a “ton of alimony?” I don’t see it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For the record, I’m not trolling. But after this thread took a turn - which I should have anticipated because every thread on DCUM eventually gets derailed by trolls - I reached out to another friend and got some good advice. Which I’ll follow.