Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

OP? OP? Where are you? Come back. Answer these questions!!

[Anonymous]

DCUM relationship discussion forum is my Jerry Springer show. All kinds of weird posters from weird families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was your childhood and family life when you were growing up?

Because your incredible earning has made you into a LOSER. Instead of rejoicing on your good fortune that your entire family can enjoy, you are bent on destroying your family. I suspect the problem is you.

She is miserable in her job, she is experiencing the “joys” of what it takes to make that kind of money. She wants a certain lifestyle, but wants it to be provided for her .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

240k is almost exactly what DH and I make, split evenly. We are saving generously for retirement and moderately (but regularly) for college for our two kids. You are wrong that you can’t step back, if that really is what you want. DH and I have fairly flexible jobs that we love and a very close relationship with our teens. I honestly think the problem is with your attitude and ideas about what’s required for a good life. Your husband makes a fine income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

Know anyone who divorced recently? Alimony would be likely. It would only last a couple of years, but it would be likely.

Depends on the state. I was told with an income of $100k+ no alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

9 year marriage with a large income differential? Yeah that’s gonna be about 5 years of alimony in most states and 50/50 division of assets and debts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

9 year marriage with a large income differential? Yeah that’s gonna be about 5 years of alimony in most states and 50/50 division of assets and debts.

Better OP divorces now and cuts her losses so she can focus on building her stockpile of money.

She doesn’t love her husband. She has contempt for him. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM relationship discussion forum is my Jerry Springer show. All kinds of weird posters from weird families.

And just as fake

[Anonymous]

What would be his incentive to sign a postnup with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

It would be fine, if you’d started saving aggressively sooner. Why didn’t you do that? And more to the point: why are you hell-bent on blaming him for failing to do the thing you want him doing towards this goal (earning more) while failing to accept responsibility for the pieces of this in which *you* missed opportunities? Ex by saving more, sooner, for retirement and college.

It is LOL funny to be referring to this as a dispute about “values.” The differences you have here are in the margins.

You are unhappy with your life for some reason and blaming it on him. Fix your life.

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine if a man wrote this? This is so common in a traditional role where the husband earns more. They have kids, mom has more child and house duties due to having kids and doesn’t move up as much as she could in her career while the husband earns more. Dh earns more and they may move to a bigger house in a better school district, remodel, go on some nice family vacations, maybe send the kids to private school, etc. We have 3 kids and instruments, music lessons, sports gear, sports lessons, dance class, gymnastics, the list goes on and on and on. That “and then some money” should be used for the family and savings.

Our kids 529s are funded. We save for the future - kids weddings, grad school, grandchildren, our retirement. I don’t think Dh is trying to save this money separately from me so that he can live better later without me.

[Anonymous]

Wow - prepping yourself for divorce, are you? I also make 3x as much as my DH but I would never do this. We are building up quite a nest up for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

Is it? It has been just fine for my family. We're on track to meet all of our goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

Why can’t you do this while married?

That’s the whole point. Enjoy it now. In a divorce half of the savings get split.

It is not just the savings. The $120k DH earns and contributes will no longer be part of the HHI. OP will have to pay her own mortgage. Her Dh covers probably all necessities now.

I have a friend who got divorced over money. She bought a home and loved the freedom. She got laid off and going through her savings fast. I think she may lose her home. We know them and Dh is friends with the ex husband. I thought the ex would step up but he isn’t since she is the one who wanted to live it up.

College savings is the last thing on their minds now. The divorce screwed the kids up and kids will go to bad colleges or no college at all. Maybe they are just rebelling but the whole family just fell apart.

Not all divorces are like that. I divorced but made sure kids financial benefits would be intact. Same rate of saving for college. Also both agreed all money goes to kids in the future of wealth we earned. That means in the tiny chance of a remarriage, an ironclad prenup. Your friend is where she is because she lost her job, and that could happen to anyone. Don't blame the divorce for that situation.

Ex and I are equal earners. We bought our marital home so one person could pay the mortgage. Our divorce did not have much financial impact...not like others. Our kids are completely fine.

[Anonymous]

You are pregnant OP. Write down your feelings. Talk about it with a therapist. But don’t actually DO anything until you are done nursing.

I make significantly more than my spouse. Now it’s 1.5x, but when I had a newborn it was 4-5x and I didn’t know if he wanted to or if he even could earn more money - he is also a scientist with no interest in working for big pharma like many of his friends. It felt like a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner AND the pregnant / nursing person. With 5-7 years hindsight, the physical drain of pregnancy and baby/toddler care exacerbated my stress about it. Now that the kids are not as dependent on me, my husband really does take on a lot of parenting duties, freeing me up to pursue my career. Fatherhood also seemed to inspire him to seek more stable and lucrative jobs and he has continued on his trajectory.

Document. Protect some money if you need to. But don’t do anything rash and reflect again in 3-4 years to see how you feel. Assuming this is your last kid, a lot can change in that time.