Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

Imagine men marrying early, making her carry the burden of household and children while building their careers and then wanting a post nup when start earning big bucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine men marrying early, making her carry the burden of household and children while building their careers and then wanting a post nup when start earning big bucks.

They should do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.

Why are post-nups not enforceable? I see this comment a lot, just curious why a prenup is generally enforceable but a post-nup isn’t? Is it easier to claim it was signed under duress?

Because people on this forum are a$$holes and like to make things up. The general trend is towards greater recognition and enforcement of these agreements. In VA for example they are enforceable by statute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

DP here. I can’t fathom a marriage where one person does not want to share with the other. It is unclear if OP wants to divorce or just get this post nup.

If my Dh suddenly asked me for a post nup the way OP wants, I would think our marriage is over and I would not view our future together as a married couple. I would probably start to plan as an individual. This sounds like a break up to me.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth did you have another child, OP? Ugh, I have no respect for people that bring another child into an already unhappy marriage. Your children will absolutely become aware of your resentment and unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

Her DH deserves better. Her children deserve better.

[Anonymous]

NP - didn’t read all comments but in a similar boat to OP and sympathize. My DH was intent on pursuing a lucrative career (biglaw) and I made sacrifices to support our kids and him. That’s a hard path, and when it didn’t work out, he lost motivation yet would still like a relatively comfortable lifestyle. For years I have worked long hours in jobs I didn’t care for, missed family moments I will never get back, and am now very tired. As the breadwinner, I would like to protect my savings if things don’t work out since there is no one on the bench to pinch hit for me. If OP is worried now I don’t think a post nup is crazy.

[Anonymous]

It's always about the money with you ladies, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

I’d go even a bit further on this. I’m the scientist in our marriage and yes, it doesn’t pay as much as you can make in a for-profit, money/law/sales kind of job and it never can. But I work hard at it and we consider all our money as “ours” since we’re both contributing to the extent we are able. When you suggest keeping a separate account for “your” money, you’re saying that you don’t think he’s contributing equally. It’s not about how much money, it’s about recognizing the value of his time and effort. OP, you clearly don’t believe what your DH is contributing is a match for what you’re contributing. If you can measure that only in $ and not in time or work-life satisfaction, then that’s fine but you’ll have to recognize that you will either always be disappointed in him or you’ll feel compelled to divorce. You’re correct that this is about a values mismatch, but is it that he’s changed or that your values or only measured in cash?

Sounds like I struck a nerve. Good.

Not sure if this one-line response is from the PP or the OP. If the PP, great, yes we agree entirely on the shallowness of focusing on money. If the OP, then not great - this was supposed to make you reflect on your values, and you didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

Just to clarify, since people are harping on this: is your HHI $240K or $480K? There’s a huge difference. If the latter (he’s at $120 you’re at $360), then you have ample resources to do everything and if you want to drop back to a $120K job for your passion, then you can do that and still meet your commitments to your kids. Believe me. You’re young. You have time on your side, and your incomes will rise and your investments will grow.

If the former (he’s making $60 you’re making $180), then maybe you have a point if your DH makes only $60K. PhD scientists start at roughly $75K right out of grad school so by now he should be at least at $90K. So yes, he needs to have a little career focus and catch up to where he could certainly be. A PP mentioned $120K, and that’s a reasonable place for a research scientist in their mid-30s. Would that be enough for you?

[Anonymous]

We have kept separate bank accounts from the beginning. Has worked for us. Married now 28 yrs. Life is good!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

Successful marriage here and we have done the opposite. Sorry to burst the bubble!😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:35 years of marriage gives both of us an opportunity to look back at what we have achieved in our life, marriage, children, family, society and profession, the ups and downs, the people we have lost along the way, the new relationships etc, and in all of this we feel gratitude for each other. Money is the least important achievement for us. Yes, it is important as a resource and tool to meet our goals, but our achievement in life has been our partnership, our relationships with others and our children.

Let me guess…you made much less $$$ than your spouse. Or vise versa and trying to be okay with it. Nice try.