Can you even respond to this insane behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you posted before? This scenario sounds familiar.

Not sure what you want here. He sounds terrible. You don't have kids and have a job and your own money. Why do you put up with this?

Op here. Perhaps. My husband has frequent irrational meltdowns where he locks himself in the office.

I don’t know, OP. I can’t tell if you are playing some kind of victim role here or if you truly have zero empathy or ability to understand another person’s experience.
I’m not saying that your husband was right or that his reaction was appropriate, but it’s odd that you still have no idea what he was thinking.
People don’t get angry for no reason. Their reasons might be stupid or delusional, but anger doesn’t just come out of nowhere.
Maybe part of the reason he melts down is that you lack the ability to understand his perspective.

Op here. What is his perspective?

You lied. You said you were out doing one thing, and you did another.
No one wants to be lied to, no matter how small.

Oh please! If I tell my husband I'm going to the gym, and then I pass a bookstore coming home and decide to browse, I did not "lie" to my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MaKe you own kebabs next time instead of paying triple.

But after vs action you both need to cut each other slack.

Read the WHOLE thread. This is one example. He actually is like this all the time, blowing up and verbally abusing her over trivial things.

They have no kids. Their finances are already mostly separate. She needs to leave and reset. He's unpredictable and angry and she is far too invested in keeping him happy out of fear she'll set off his anger if she doesn't do what he wants (so she does things like call and ask about freaking chicken thighs).

The time to "cut each other slack" is LONG past and was past before they even took this trip together.

Agree. And, as a PP so aptly and succinctly put it: he is NOT going to be able to roll with fatherhood. It will be a living nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MaKe you own kebabs next time instead of paying triple.

But after vs action you both need to cut each other slack.

Read the WHOLE thread. This is one example. He actually is like this all the time, blowing up and verbally abusing her over trivial things.

They have no kids. Their finances are already mostly separate. She needs to leave and reset. He's unpredictable and angry and she is far too invested in keeping him happy out of fear she'll set off his anger if she doesn't do what he wants (so she does things like call and ask about freaking chicken thighs).

The time to "cut each other slack" is LONG past and was past before they even took this trip together.

DP.
I read the whole thread, and I’m not really seeing what is abusive here. That he hung up the phone? That he said that it was disrespectful to buy herself a separate and more expensive meal when she knew he was worried about money. It WAS disrespectful and kind of passive aggressive. That he shut himself in his office? Is that abuse?

I think that a lot of people in this forum grew up in dysfunctional households and panic at any mention of conflict or someone being angry.

If you read it all how did you miss her post saying he blows up at trivial interactions all the time, then blames her and becomes verbally abusive? Not just this one time. One time isnt abusive but an ongoing pattern is. Read better next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you posted before? This scenario sounds familiar.

Not sure what you want here. He sounds terrible. You don't have kids and have a job and your own money. Why do you put up with this?

Op here. Perhaps. My husband has frequent irrational meltdowns where he locks himself in the office.

I don’t know, OP. I can’t tell if you are playing some kind of victim role here or if you truly have zero empathy or ability to understand another person’s experience.
I’m not saying that your husband was right or that his reaction was appropriate, but it’s odd that you still have no idea what he was thinking.
People don’t get angry for no reason. Their reasons might be stupid or delusional, but anger doesn’t just come out of nowhere.
Maybe part of the reason he melts down is that you lack the ability to understand his perspective.

Op here. What is his perspective?

You lied. You said you were out doing one thing, and you did another.
No one wants to be lied to, no matter how small.

Oh please! If I tell my husband I'm going to the gym, and then I pass a bookstore coming home and decide to browse, I did not "lie" to my husband.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op here. Another example of him blowing up at me. He asked me to buy cheap flights for our long haul travel. I looked and found and bought the flights. I told him the seats we have been assigned are horrible and that we should consider selecting better seats for some extra money.

He said not to do that. I said ok. When we boarded the plane we saw that we were assigned the middle seats. We sit down and he starts complaining about how cramped he feels and is huffing and puffing. He keeps texting his mother saying he is so uncomfortable and can’t stretch his legs. His mother tells him to ask me to move to the middle and give him the aisle seat as I’m smaller.

I thought this was messed up as I get up and walk a lot during the flight and need to take bathroom breaks as I am always drinking water. I said I need to get up frequently. He said we can trade halfway through the 15 hour flight. I said ok and give him the aisle seat.

He does not give me the seat back during the ride. Then he starts complaining that I am getting up too much and ruining his sleep. I asked him if he wants to trade and he says no.

After we landed at Dulles, I told him that contrary to what he said, he did it switch the aisle seat with me and I was uncomfortable and had to keep waking him up to go to the bathroom. He gets angry and snaps, “ are you starting a fight??! I am not having this conversation!” And stone walls me in the customs line.

I was never allowed to make my point. He steam rolls me and then bullies me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Another example of him blowing up at me. He asked me to buy cheap flights for our long haul travel. I looked and found and bought the flights. I told him the seats we have been assigned are horrible and that we should consider selecting better seats for some extra money.

He said not to do that. I said ok. When we boarded the plane we saw that we were assigned the middle seats. We sit down and he starts complaining about how cramped he feels and is huffing and puffing. He keeps texting his mother saying he is so uncomfortable and can’t stretch his legs. His mother tells him to ask me to move to the middle and give him the aisle seat as I’m smaller.

I thought this was messed up as I get up and walk a lot during the flight and need to take bathroom breaks as I am always drinking water. I said I need to get up frequently. He said we can trade halfway through the 15 hour flight. I said ok and give him the aisle seat.

He does not give me the seat back during the ride. Then he starts complaining that I am getting up too much and ruining his sleep. I asked him if he wants to trade and he says no.

After we landed at Dulles, I told him that contrary to what he said, he did it switch the aisle seat with me and I was uncomfortable and had to keep waking him up to go to the bathroom. He gets angry and snaps, “ are you starting a fight??! I am not having this conversation!” And stone walls me in the customs line.

I was never allowed to make my point. He steam rolls me and then bullies me.

This sounds like a cultural issue tbh. He’s texting his mother about his middle seat on the airplane???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Another example of him blowing up at me. He asked me to buy cheap flights for our long haul travel. I looked and found and bought the flights. I told him the seats we have been assigned are horrible and that we should consider selecting better seats for some extra money.

He said not to do that. I said ok. When we boarded the plane we saw that we were assigned the middle seats. We sit down and he starts complaining about how cramped he feels and is huffing and puffing. He keeps texting his mother saying he is so uncomfortable and can’t stretch his legs. His mother tells him to ask me to move to the middle and give him the aisle seat as I’m smaller.

I thought this was messed up as I get up and walk a lot during the flight and need to take bathroom breaks as I am always drinking water. I said I need to get up frequently. He said we can trade halfway through the 15 hour flight. I said ok and give him the aisle seat.

He does not give me the seat back during the ride. Then he starts complaining that I am getting up too much and ruining his sleep. I asked him if he wants to trade and he says no.

After we landed at Dulles, I told him that contrary to what he said, he did it switch the aisle seat with me and I was uncomfortable and had to keep waking him up to go to the bathroom. He gets angry and snaps, “ are you starting a fight??! I am not having this conversation!” And stone walls me in the customs line.

I was never allowed to make my point. He steam rolls me and then bullies me.

Another example that he's a jerk, though you should not have tried to talk to him about it afterward -- he is never going to respond well to that. The fact he involved his mother in his complaints is a huge red flag of another kind.

OP, I'm telling you sincerely, though I'm glad you came with another example, now THIS example will be picked apart and criticized. I'd get off this site and go spend your time instead on assessing whether there is enough good in your marriage to even consider salvaging it, but that would happen I think only with his being willing to get outside help and admit he is as big a part of any problems as you might be. I'd probably be looking instead at divorce lawyers and keeping my money safely where he can't access it. But just be warned, this thread is going to derail into picking and poking at your second example now, and many won't bother to read that all this is a continuing pattern and not just about airplane seats or grocery shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK but why the heck did you buy the kebabs when he told you not to?

If she works, she shouldn't have to ask his permission what she wants for dinner. I can't imagine living in a world where I can't just be at the store and see something yummy and decide to buy it for dinner.

Right, but I wouldn't call my husband and ask (for permission?) from the store to begin with. I'd just buy it.

It's weird to make the call and ask, then get clear specific direction, and ultimately do the opposite.

Not saying it excuses DH behavior. But it's a bad pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Another example of him blowing up at me. He asked me to buy cheap flights for our long haul travel. I looked and found and bought the flights. I told him the seats we have been assigned are horrible and that we should consider selecting better seats for some extra money.

He said not to do that. I said ok. When we boarded the plane we saw that we were assigned the middle seats. We sit down and he starts complaining about how cramped he feels and is huffing and puffing. He keeps texting his mother saying he is so uncomfortable and can’t stretch his legs. His mother tells him to ask me to move to the middle and give him the aisle seat as I’m smaller.

I thought this was messed up as I get up and walk a lot during the flight and need to take bathroom breaks as I am always drinking water. I said I need to get up frequently. He said we can trade halfway through the 15 hour flight. I said ok and give him the aisle seat.

He does not give me the seat back during the ride. Then he starts complaining that I am getting up too much and ruining his sleep. I asked him if he wants to trade and he says no.

After we landed at Dulles, I told him that contrary to what he said, he did it switch the aisle seat with me and I was uncomfortable and had to keep waking him up to go to the bathroom. He gets angry and snaps, “ are you starting a fight??! I am not having this conversation!” And stone walls me in the customs line.

I was never allowed to make my point. He steam rolls me and then bullies me.

OP, this sounds like a joyless life. Being alone with peace would be better than this. Think hard about what you want your next 10, 20, 30 years to look like and plan accordingly.

Also realize, someone this volatile may be making their own plans down the road that don't include you and you would have stayed with them for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK but why the heck did you buy the kebabs when he told you not to?

If she works, she shouldn't have to ask his permission what she wants for dinner. I can't imagine living in a world where I can't just be at the store and see something yummy and decide to buy it for dinner.

Right, but I wouldn't call my husband and ask (for permission?) from the store to begin with. I'd just buy it.

It's weird to make the call and ask, then get clear specific direction, and ultimately do the opposite.

Not saying it excuses DH behavior. But it's a bad pattern.

The bold is the behavior of someone who is fearful and cowed, so asks for direction about something extremely trivial.

Then that person does the opposite as a tiny act of defiance and independence, while also trying to placate the other person of whom she's fearful (she bought him the thighs he demanded, just added the kebabs she wanted).

Add it all up and it's a sad case of her fearing setting him off but also her wanting to assert a tiny bit of her own choice in the most mundane way. She needs to live a life where she doesn't think it's normal to call her husband and run every minuscule thing past him, and where real independence doesn't hinge on getting one dinner she prefers. No one should have to jump through hoops just to buy a treat one damn time and eat it without a blow-up at home. She's already said he's like this about other things. I'd thank God I didnt have kids and I'd get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The travel part matters IF this is totally out of character, unusual behavior for him.

If it was: Blame horrible jet lag. It can make some people nutty for a time. Tell your DH you know he's acting out of character and you both need more naps. Then laugh it off.

If this is NOT uniquely unusual behavior, then:

You have a problem with over-explaining to him and checking in with him on trivial things that Do. Not. Matter. Don't ever call and explain stuff this trivial again.

Much more seriously, if this is just one among many cases of his doing this: He has a problem with overreacting hugely and turning simple personal choice(s?) into "You are disrespecting ME!" The latter is a sign of someone who is self-focused and taking tiny, insignificant things (chicken kebabs?!) as personal disses toward him. A bad trait and a bad sign--if, and the "if" is important, he has done this kind of thing before. People who turn day to day stuff like kebabs versus thighs into "You disrespected me" are misusing the concept of "respect" in a very petty and personal way.

I"m hoping this is out of character and you both simmer down and can laugh about it later.

Op here. Unfortunately, it is actually pretty common for him to completely overreact and lose his mind over seemingly trivial stuff like this. It comes up completely randomly and I am taken by surprise. If I try to hold him accountable for his insane behavior, he acts like the victim and starts attacking me verbally and emotionally.

You may have wanted to mention this part in your OP.
Why is this important info trickling out?

So she can test the waters of replies and the prove all the doubters wrong with the info she held back. Very common gimmick here.

Or maybe she didn’t want her first post to be a 5-page essay and have all the snarky posters say TLDR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you kebabs were too expensive, and you bought them anyway. You were wrong.

Disagree. She’s an adult, not a child FFS. She makes her own money and she can eat whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK but why the heck did you buy the kebabs when he told you not to?

Because she wanted them and she’s a grown up. She can make a call about whether a few marinated chunks of meat are going to break the family budget. And her husband overreacted AND spoke to her in a way that wasn’t respectful. She’s not obligated to follow his instructions.

[Anonymous]

I think you are having money problems you don't know about yet.

[Anonymous]

This is bizarre and it is not about the kebabs. The fact that you called about a totally routine thing implies to me that this is a recurring issue.

I think I am married to a pretty reasonable person. If my husband and I talked about making a chicken thigh recipe and I got to the store and the marinated kebabs looked good and were a reasonable price, I would make the executive decision to buy them. I wouldn’t text or call before coming home unless he was working on a side dish and my change impacted him - or I want him to start the grill.

When I got home I’d say “these were prepared and we’re tired, so I thought this would get dinner on the table faster” and he’d say “great!”