Can you even respond to this insane behavior?

[Anonymous]

OP, ditch him. You sound like financially you are separated anyway so divorce should be less complicated.

The fact that you KNOW his is unreasonable and escalates easily- and you still asked him what to make, called him again, then told him you bought something else shows that you like to engage with him inappropriately when you know he cannot handle his emotions. End this enmeshed behaviour- you each will do so much better without the other.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s weird that you called to askif it was ok to buy kebabs. Does he always get to decide everything in the family?! The person doing the shopping after a long trip gets to decide

[Anonymous]

If he is that stressed about chicken kebabs, probably should have skipped the international vacation.

[Anonymous]

The question is, why did you call to ask his permission in the first place if you wanted them? He obviously has a need to control. That’s my observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In his mind, he vetoed the kebabs because they are too expensive. So buying chicken thighs AND kebabs is a lot. He was going for the cheapest option and you wanted the most expensive. His business isn’t doing well and you just spent a ton of money on a trip, so I would just let this one go. He was wrong to yell at you, especially over a small amount of money in the grand scheme of things, but I wouldn’t bother pushing for an apology. And maybe start shopping someplace cheaper than Whole Foods!

Exactly.

He told her not to get them, that they were too expensive... then she told him on the phone she got them anyway, PLUS the thighs. He's stressing about money and he feels like she's not taking his stressors seriously.
Then add the jet lag and time difference... it sounds like the perfect hangry storm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The travel part matters IF this is totally out of character, unusual behavior for him.

If it was: Blame horrible jet lag. It can make some people nutty for a time. Tell your DH you know he's acting out of character and you both need more naps. Then laugh it off.

If this is NOT uniquely unusual behavior, then:

You have a problem with over-explaining to him and checking in with him on trivial things that Do. Not. Matter. Don't ever call and explain stuff this trivial again.

Much more seriously, if this is just one among many cases of his doing this: He has a problem with overreacting hugely and turning simple personal choice(s?) into "You are disrespecting ME!" The latter is a sign of someone who is self-focused and taking tiny, insignificant things (chicken kebabs?!) as personal disses toward him. A bad trait and a bad sign--if, and the "if" is important, he has done this kind of thing before. People who turn day to day stuff like kebabs versus thighs into "You disrespected me" are misusing the concept of "respect" in a very petty and personal way.

I"m hoping this is out of character and you both simmer down and can laugh about it later.

Op here. Unfortunately, it is actually pretty common for him to completely overreact and lose his mind over seemingly trivial stuff like this. It comes up completely randomly and I am taken by surprise. If I try to hold him accountable for his insane behavior, he acts like the victim and starts attacking me verbally and emotionally.

You may have wanted to mention this part in your OP.
Why is this important info trickling out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I cannot talk to him about his insane behavior. He will not hear it. He will raise his voice and tell me to calm down and/ or start verbally attacking me by bringing up something totally different and criticizing me.

Sounds like a master at deflection, gaslighting and whataboutisms.

Gee... what a catch.

[Anonymous]

His father was stabbed to death with a kebab skewer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The travel part matters IF this is totally out of character, unusual behavior for him.

If it was: Blame horrible jet lag. It can make some people nutty for a time. Tell your DH you know he's acting out of character and you both need more naps. Then laugh it off.

If this is NOT uniquely unusual behavior, then:

You have a problem with over-explaining to him and checking in with him on trivial things that Do. Not. Matter. Don't ever call and explain stuff this trivial again.

Much more seriously, if this is just one among many cases of his doing this: He has a problem with overreacting hugely and turning simple personal choice(s?) into "You are disrespecting ME!" The latter is a sign of someone who is self-focused and taking tiny, insignificant things (chicken kebabs?!) as personal disses toward him. A bad trait and a bad sign--if, and the "if" is important, he has done this kind of thing before. People who turn day to day stuff like kebabs versus thighs into "You disrespected me" are misusing the concept of "respect" in a very petty and personal way.

I"m hoping this is out of character and you both simmer down and can laugh about it later.

Op here. Unfortunately, it is actually pretty common for him to completely overreact and lose his mind over seemingly trivial stuff like this. It comes up completely randomly and I am taken by surprise. If I try to hold him accountable for his insane behavior, he acts like the victim and starts attacking me verbally and emotionally.

You may have wanted to mention this part in your OP.
Why is this important info trickling out?

So she can test the waters of replies and the prove all the doubters wrong with the info she held back. Very common gimmick here.

[Anonymous]

How were the kebabs?

[Anonymous]

He told you kebabs were too expensive, and you bought them anyway. You were wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you kebabs were too expensive, and you bought them anyway. You were wrong.

NOPE.

And to be clear… even if she didn’t have her own job, even if the kabobs cost $100… neither of which were true… his response is not okay. Frustration or disagreement is not the issue here… his inability to regulate emotions and/or have a comfortable discussion about the behavior is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I cannot talk to him about his insane behavior. He will not hear it. He will raise his voice and tell me to calm down and/ or start verbally attacking me by bringing up something totally different and criticizing me.

How can you remain with a man who treats you thusly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you kebabs were too expensive, and you bought them anyway. You were wrong.

If he wants to control the menu, he can go to the store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK but why the heck did you buy the kebabs when he told you not to?

If she works, she shouldn't have to ask his permission what she wants for dinner. I can't imagine living in a world where I can't just be at the store and see something yummy and decide to buy it for dinner.

Op here. I work and make my own money. We also keep our finances separate so this was coming from “my” income, as I reminded him.

Why didn’t you buy him some kabobs too? I really can’t imagine doing this with a friend, let alone my husband.

I can’t imagine being in a marriage where one of us has more disposable income than the other and pulling stuff like this.

I do feel like if the genders were reversed, and a man bought himself a more expensive meal with his income while he got his wife something cheaper, DCUM would give her a pass on hanging up the phone and not apologizing for her behavior.