MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

I would pick your favorite Holiday, and tell family that now you have kids, you prefer to stay home for that one and enjoy it fully. And that people are welcome to visit at that time.

For me that would be Christmas. And if no one comes, I would enjoy it even more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

We’re not talking about Christmas. We’re talking about Thanksgiving. It’s different. Nobody has TG with just the nuclear family. There are longstanding traditions and customs, and they transition slowly. It doesn’t sound like the MIL or aunt are on their death beds just yet. What it sounds like is that OP is more interested in showing off her big house than anything else. “We love our house” is a selfish reason for wanting to wrestle Thanksgiving away from tradition.

'

Not correct.

Oh, really? That’s not how it sounds to me:


“Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion.”

If it’s not about the “large home that we love,” why mention that at all? Why not just say “we’ve decided we’d like to insert ourselves in to the Thanksgiving hosting tradition?”

Because ... before there was not room, and now there is room, and OP's family loves that there is room to welcome more now in this house which finally allows them to have room ... ?

She never said anything like that. She just said she has room for guests. That doesn’t mean her MIL doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Good job OP. Your kids will appreciate having a more stable Thanksgiving that isn’t all about what great aunt Mildred did forty years ago.

Invite one or two of your closest friends anyway, regardless of family participation. Chosen Family is super important and you can ensure an enduring family tradition that will be about your family.

This is one selfish and deranged response. What kind of horrible family life have you had?

Welp, something was made clear here.

Yea, that you’re deranged. To tell OP that if her husband’s biological family isn’t willing to change TG tradition for her that she should start a new tradition with a “Chosen Family” is odd AF.

You obviously struggled with reading. I said she should include friends *regardless* of whether her husband’s family participated.

NP. Why? I know how many people can sit comfortably in my home and eat a meal. I know how much I can take on as a host without feeling overwhelmed. When DH and I host either my family or his family, it takes up every available space in our house. We’re not going to throw friends on top of that. It would add to stress and not everyone could sit comfortably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Good job OP. Your kids will appreciate having a more stable Thanksgiving that isn’t all about what great aunt Mildred did forty years ago.

Invite one or two of your closest friends anyway, regardless of family participation. Chosen Family is super important and you can ensure an enduring family tradition that will be about your family.

This is one selfish and deranged response. What kind of horrible family life have you had?

Welp, something was made clear here.

Yea, that you’re deranged. To tell OP that if her husband’s biological family isn’t willing to change TG tradition for her that she should start a new tradition with a “Chosen Family” is odd AF.

You obviously struggled with reading. I said she should include friends *regardless* of whether her husband’s family participated.

NP. Why? I know how many people can sit comfortably in my home and eat a meal. I know how much I can take on as a host without feeling overwhelmed. When DH and I host either my family or his family, it takes up every available space in our house. We’re not going to throw friends on top of that. It would add to stress and not everyone could sit comfortably.

DP. Had you considered that PP might have a bigger house than yours, with more room to expand in hosting as indicated? Not judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because ... before there was not room, and now there is room, and OP's family loves that there is room to welcome more now in this house which finally allows them to have room ... ?

She never said anything like that. She just said she has room for guests. That doesn’t mean her MIL doesn’t.

Where is this coming from?

What conversation are you having? It isn't this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Good job OP. Your kids will appreciate having a more stable Thanksgiving that isn’t all about what great aunt Mildred did forty years ago.

Invite one or two of your closest friends anyway, regardless of family participation. Chosen Family is super important and you can ensure an enduring family tradition that will be about your family.

This is one selfish and deranged response. What kind of horrible family life have you had?

Welp, something was made clear here.

Yea, that you’re deranged. To tell OP that if her husband’s biological family isn’t willing to change TG tradition for her that she should start a new tradition with a “Chosen Family” is odd AF.

You obviously struggled with reading. I said she should include friends *regardless* of whether her husband’s family participated.

NP. Why? I know how many people can sit comfortably in my home and eat a meal. I know how much I can take on as a host without feeling overwhelmed. When DH and I host either my family or his family, it takes up every available space in our house. We’re not going to throw friends on top of that. It would add to stress and not everyone could sit comfortably.

DP. Had you considered that PP might have a bigger house than yours, with more room to expand in hosting as indicated? Not judging.

Have you considered that PP not knowing the size of anyone’s home is all the more reason she shouldn’t throw around unsolicited advice on guest lists? Not judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

Adapt or…you know, the alternative, Boomer. We’re fine either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Good job OP. Your kids will appreciate having a more stable Thanksgiving that isn’t all about what great aunt Mildred did forty years ago.

Invite one or two of your closest friends anyway, regardless of family participation. Chosen Family is super important and you can ensure an enduring family tradition that will be about your family.

This is one selfish and deranged response. What kind of horrible family life have you had?

Welp, something was made clear here.

Yea, that you’re deranged. To tell OP that if her husband’s biological family isn’t willing to change TG tradition for her that she should start a new tradition with a “Chosen Family” is odd AF.

You obviously struggled with reading. I said she should include friends *regardless* of whether her husband’s family participated.

NP. Why? I know how many people can sit comfortably in my home and eat a meal. I know how much I can take on as a host without feeling overwhelmed. When DH and I host either my family or his family, it takes up every available space in our house. We’re not going to throw friends on top of that. It would add to stress and not everyone could sit comfortably.

DP. Had you considered that PP might have a bigger house than yours, with more room to expand in hosting as indicated? Not judging.

Have you considered that PP not knowing the size of anyone’s home is all the more reason she shouldn’t throw around unsolicited advice on guest lists? Not judging.

"Invite one or two" is what PP said, not "advertise to invite a mob." This is about something else for you, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

White people problems.

Host other occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Good job OP. Your kids will appreciate having a more stable Thanksgiving that isn’t all about what great aunt Mildred did forty years ago.

Invite one or two of your closest friends anyway, regardless of family participation. Chosen Family is super important and you can ensure an enduring family tradition that will be about your family.

This is one selfish and deranged response. What kind of horrible family life have you had?

Welp, something was made clear here.

Yea, that you’re deranged. To tell OP that if her husband’s biological family isn’t willing to change TG tradition for her that she should start a new tradition with a “Chosen Family” is odd AF.

You obviously struggled with reading. I said she should include friends *regardless* of whether her husband’s family participated.

NP. Why? I know how many people can sit comfortably in my home and eat a meal. I know how much I can take on as a host without feeling overwhelmed. When DH and I host either my family or his family, it takes up every available space in our house. We’re not going to throw friends on top of that. It would add to stress and not everyone could sit comfortably.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. Obviously you should only work within your own limitations of space and bandwidth— though people will probably marry and have children so if you’re truly at capacity that’s eventually going to be a problem.

I said add friends because OPs family should make their Thanksgiving traditions about the people they love, not only the people they’re related to on one side. The close friends of my adult life are an enormous blessing, to myself and to my children, and I think showing my kids that Family can be a lot of things is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

+1

In my family, it's the oldest female family member's privilege to host or choose not to host. If Grandma declines, then the Sisters/SILs can work out who is going to host among themselves. (Sexist, but that's how it works)

[Anonymous]

OP it could be worse. You could have in laws who invite themselves to your brand new house for Thanksgiving. The worst.

"What are you doing for the holidays?"
"It's August, we haven't even thought about it yet."
"Well we'll come to you, Caroline and her family can also join."
"Well, we need to talk to my family and think through our holiday plans."
"We'll come at Thanksgiving and you can come here for Christmas."
"We are planning to have Christmas in our new house."
"No, you always come here for Christmas. We'll come for Thanksgiving, you can have Thanksgiving in your new house and Christmas with us."

F**** you lady.