Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

He’s right. Bye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The kids are happy doing a million things and you aren't involved in their activities. So why does it bother you that they are doing so much?

A bigger problem is that you are not pulling your weight. Your husband has the right to be resentful of that, especially if you tell him what to do (while not helping yourself). A more flexible job does not mean less demanding.

OP here. That's what is hard, he doesn't care. He's happy doing all of this but admits it's hard and can be exhausting. But my views should matter. I'm their mother and I feel like time is just flying by with my family shuffling in and out of the door and I'm just frustrated.

When I was a kid, I just was left to my own devices during the summer. My parents were admittedly lazy but this is crazy.

Why don't you haul them around in the evenings and weekends to spend time with them in the car?

Yeah, you are being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

If you want to have opinions that count, you need to be the one doing the labor. Make whatever dinner you want. Schedule the kid activities and coordinate everything, get them there, make sure they are fed. You don’t get to sit back and have your spouse do everything and complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

So...now you are mad that your husband is talking about his feelings?!

Look. You agreed to the summer plan and it is too late now to change it. You need to let your husband vent about being tired, and stop complaining until summer is over. You can plan better for fall, but you have to use a calendar to do so.

***I agree with the PP that this is a gender reverse post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

[Anonymous]

He even made the decision to get treatment at night before telling me he was drunk! That’s how screwed up it was. I didn’t even get to choose to ship him to rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

No one said he's perfect. No one said you are a "terrible" mom. But he's working hard to make your family life go as smoothly as possible and you're sitting back and complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He even made the decision to get treatment at night before telling me he was drunk! That’s how screwed up it was. I didn’t even get to choose to ship him to rehab.

WTAF??!?!

you didn't get "to ship him to rehab"

Please, go do something nice for your husband. And stop taking him for granted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This is far, far too nice. Yes, OP is the jerk, to her husband and to her kids.

Although I'm 87% sure that (i) the real OP of this post is the engaged parent, not the slug whining about "don't my feelings matter, too?"; or (ii) the genders have been flipped.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He even made the decision to get treatment at night before telling me he was drunk! That’s how screwed up it was. I didn’t even get to choose to ship him to rehab.

WHAT on earth?! This has got to be a troll. You say his addiction ruined your life, but you didn’t even notice he had been drinking until he already recognized the problem and sought treatment for himself?

[Anonymous]

Nothing the H does will please OP. That's the root of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Hold on.

There’s
1) deciding how many activities and events and camps
2) setting it up
3) making it happen, and successfully.

While OP doesn’t seem to help with #3… they both need to agree on #1.

Op and spouse are conflating #1 and 3. They should continue to work together (better) on hauling kids to what they have signed up for. They should also compromise or agree the next time it’s a decision point for signups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on.

There’s
1) deciding how many activities and events and camps
2) setting it up
3) making it happen, and successfully.

While OP doesn’t seem to help with #3… they both need to agree on #1.

Op and spouse are conflating #1 and 3. They should continue to work together (better) on hauling kids to what they have signed up for. They should also compromise or agree the next time it’s a decision point for signups.

Same poster. op, do you want X number of days or nights at home for you to hang out with kids? You can make that happen. Does spouse want something else? Pick your numbers and try to meet in the middle, or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on.

There’s
1) deciding how many activities and events and camps
2) setting it up
3) making it happen, and successfully.

While OP doesn’t seem to help with #3… they both need to agree on #1.

Op and spouse are conflating #1 and 3. They should continue to work together (better) on hauling kids to what they have signed up for. They should also compromise or agree the next time it’s a decision point for signups.

If you are not involved in 2 and 3, you should be quiet on 1.