Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.

[Anonymous]

Lol what did I just read

[Anonymous]

So you're ... jealous of your kids. Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

Ok, Princess, enough is enough. I had some sympathy for you early on, but at this point, I will join the chorus that not only are you wrong, but you are 100% wrong. You are worse than a jerk, you are a b1tch.

Alcoholism is a disease. He was sober for many years, but due to the stress of being married to you and your insufferable inflexibility, he was stressed and relapsed. You don't want to be a partner, you want to be a princess that is waited on hand and foot and has children without any of the responsibility. You want to be able to work your job without any family responsibility and when then micromanage them so that they have to dance to your tune. Your husband was stressed out by dealing with YOU and he relapsed and rather than be supportive, you just want to ship him off to rehab. So, let me ask, if you were to ship him off to rehab, what were you planning to do with your children? Were you going to take leave from your oh-so-important job and actually take care of your children? Or just throw away all the money for the summer camps and make them skip the camps they wanted and THAT YOU AGREED TO IN MARCH, and make them sit at home on mind-numbing devices just so you could work a stupid job which makes you sit in a mandatory meeting but not actually contribute to the meeting, not pay attention to the meeting and just sit and post all day on DCUM? You're an example of the worst in parenting.

So, you can be the pampered princess, your husband has taken full charge of the daily management of the household. He works a full-time job, but still finds time to schedule the kids for camps that they'll enjoy, and to take them to and from those camps. He makes meals. Your only contribution seems to be a meal that you only half-ass plan, buying some vegetables at a farmer's market. You managed to find time to go to a farmer's market and chill, but you can't find time to take your kids to a camp or evening activity. How charming. Then you don't plan to buy the other ingrediants that you'll need for this meal, and you make him go and fetch for you. He even wants you to pick a day to actually make this meal, but you cant find one night that you can make a meal in the window between when the kids come home from camp and when they go to their evening activities. For most camps and activities, that's like a 2 hour window. My kids camps let out 4pm or 5pm and they go to activities at 6:30 or 7:00. So, you can't find one single day when you can take off between 4:00-6:00 pm just to cook your family a meal? And plan for it so that you husband can plan the other 99% of the schedule?

And you are mad at him?

Believe me, you would do your husband and the children a favor if you would divorce him. You aren't adding anything to the family other than stress and attitude. Even when they have things handled, you can't leave well enough alone and have to meddle and tell them it isn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This + a million. I’m surprised that as you wrote this post out, you didn’t come to this conclusion yourself. Grow up and be a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like each post from you paints you in a worse light. That’s why so many people think this is a situation flip and you’re actually the primary parent posting for sympathy.

If all you say is true as represented, please, PLEASE get into therapy. If you don’t, you are going to push your husband and kids away. You are the adult child of an alcoholic, and there’s a reason there are whole books and support groups for people like you! It’s a messed up childhood—I’m speaking from experience. But you are coming off as so bitter and unreasonable. I can only assume you come off that way at home, too, and I know that’s not what you want.

[Anonymous]

I literally cannot understand what you are complaining about, all of these pages in. You are not very good at communicating! I hate being snarky, but I’m feeling really irritated trying to understand what you are up in arms about.

It doesn’t help that there is zero self-reflection and you keep digging into your nonsensical position, despite a UNANIMOUS response that you are in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

I mean, no wonder your DH has to just keep it moving! Who has time for this s**t?

[Anonymous]

Poor husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids' summer has been non-stop camps in various parts of town, activities in the evening, activities on the weekend and I am just over it. I've told my husband I feel like the kids are doing too much, they are running all over town and there's no space to just, I don't know, chill. I am getting anxiety just thinking about it.

DH is annoyed because I don't do...any of this. I don't manage the schedule, I don't drive the kids, I don't pack the lunches or do any of the mental or physical work. My job, while remote, is crazy right now (I also hate it by the way and am angry I can't just up and quit because I can't find anything to do) and I am just frustrated. And I've been out of town for a class for myself and then to visit my mother who is recovering from surgery (she's fine, but it was more of an obligation social visit than healthcare, which frustrated me).

DH got annoyed and said, he manages everything in terms of the kids logistics, works at a job that is demanding (also remote, but flexible, he takes calls in the car and will dip into a coffee shop to work on a document...I can't do that). He is the default parent (basically like a lot of the women on here). So, he set up the summer camp schedule, but he did talk with all of us in March but it all seemed do-able but now, looking at them coming and going, I'm exhausted just watching them. And he admits he gets tired, which makes me feel massively guilty.

I'm not great with details, I take forever to make a decision because I like to think through things and that takes time, and yes, I admittedly get decision paralysis. But I'm a good mom, I read to the kids, I provide a lot of the emotional support to the kids, I do fun things with them at home and really being an introvert shouldn't make my opinion worthless.

He was angry that I am taking opportunities from the kids that they enjoy and make them happy because of my own feelings. He stopped just short of calling me selfish and saying if I had skin in the game, he'd be more willing to entertain my view here. He basically said if I want to spend time with the kids, that's fine, but it's unfair to expect them to sit around and watch TV and complain about being bored (which admittedly drives me crazy) because I don't like the schedule. Especially since I don't have to go anywhere.

But my feelings matter, right?

Yes, you are the jerk. Your feelings matter only to you. But this is NOT about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

LOL. You shouldn't have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.

You want to talk about the why and what and when of activities, so DH is trying to have that conversation with you. How else to do it other than brainstorming with a calendar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

OMG this is so cringe. The troll jumped the shark here :\

[Anonymous]

Very self-centered.