Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

A say about what? Wanting your kids to stay home doing nothing while you work? I still don’t understand your beef.

[Anonymous]

Full out self centered jerk. Don’t worry, he will divorce you soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

m

You are complaining about literally nothing. Your posts are becoming more and more insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I thought you were being too hard on yourself after the first post, but no, it’s clear YOU are definitely the jerk.

You want the kids to have more down time, but they don’t want the downtime, but you put in zero effort to plan the schedule, and you aren’t even helping with the driving! You want the kids to have to skip the activities they love, but you don’t want to get any of the blame when it’s 100% your fault? And you’re pissed about tonight when it’s your own failure to plan that is preventing you from making dinner?

Your husband sounds like an amazing guy. He does all the parenting (except Girl Scouts?) and apparently grocery shopping and cooking and you have the gall to be pissed at him? Because you can’t plan or read a calendar? It sounds like you should have ordered your sports equipment online or planned the meal for a day when you don’t have your sport. Use the veggies you bought another way and plan to make your fancy dinner on the weekend sometime.

It sounds like you could use therapy to work thru some of your issues. This stage of parenting is hard for you, and that’s ok! Don’t punish your kids for your dislike of schedules and planning. They will be bored and miserable at home.

Next year, before summer camp sign up, plan to take a week off work, the kids can take a week off camp and you can’t spend the whole week relaxing with them. You’ll quickly find that the kids will be bored and need activities, so you can take them to museums or indoor play places or the playground or whatever. And maybe then you’ll appreciate all the planning and driving around that your husband does to keep them engaged and happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

You are incredibly immature, Op. I feel for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

This seems easy to me. The only night you can't make the new dinner is when you have your training/equipment store. Why does it matter if the kids are going here and there? Your dh takes them, right? What a nice thing to do, have a nice meal prepared when they get home from their running around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

NP here.

You don't get to micromanage how the default parent and the kids manage things until you can fix your own life and start to take an active hand in what's going on. Sitting on your virtual job ivory pedestal and issuing proclamations from on high that they need to do things your way is arrogant and condescending (e.g. being a jerk).

So, work hard on finding a new job. If and when you find a new job that is more flexible and allows you to participate more in the family schedule and daily management, then you can comment on it. But just saying that they are too busy when you are not lifting a finger to help is...not helpful (trying to be nice here). Until you find that more flexible job, stay out of it because all you are doing is throwing lighter fluid on a burning fire. Yes, you see problems, but just telling them to change and not lifting a finger to help is worse than just not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Someone who is battling his own demons and is managing the family as the default parent gets to decide how and when he needs the break. Your husband may have the kids in all day camps so that he can work, then he has them in evening activities so he can get a break for himself. I take my kids to activities and then will go an find a cafe to grab a cup of tea and sit and chill for the 50 min or 1.5 hours or whatever that I have until I have to pick them up. Sometimes I will check the news, sometimes waste time on DCUM, sometimes will do family business, or just veg out on a game, but I get the me time that I need while they are busy. If they have "down time" at home, then I have to keep an eye on them, check in on them, manage snacks, referee fighting, fix electronics and so on. In that same 1.5 hours, I get interrupted like 4 times and I never get more than 15 min to myself. So, yes, as the default parent, who is working a full time job and a part-time job, I get to decide what the kids are doing.

This is not about your spouse. This is about you. Until you start to contribute to the daily parenting and household management, then you don't get to decide how he handles those things. You can mak requests, and you can make offers to make changes as long as you are willing to handle those changes and the management. E.g., you can cancel evening activities to give your children down time if you are going to be the parent on call when they need anything in those times. So, if you husband can take that time to go and do something without interruptions, then you can make the call to add downtime at home. If you aren't going to manage the children and take time away from your oh-so-busy work job, then no, you don't get to criticize how he is managing the children when you are not offering any help in fixing what only you perceive as a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This is far, far too nice. Yes, OP is the jerk, to her husband and to her kids.

Although I'm 87% sure that (i) the real OP of this post is the engaged parent, not the slug whining about "don't my feelings matter, too?"; or (ii) the genders have been flipped.

Yep.

The engaged parent wrote this. It's very passive aggressive. Lol

[Anonymous]

You sound like my DH, OP. Except that he (occasionally) does drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This is far, far too nice. Yes, OP is the jerk, to her husband and to her kids.

Although I'm 87% sure that (i) the real OP of this post is the engaged parent, not the slug whining about "don't my feelings matter, too?"; or (ii) the genders have been flipped.

Yep.

The engaged parent wrote this. It's very passive aggressive. Lol

I thought so, too. It reads like the real OP is the engaged parents and also that the genders have been flipped, so in this case the mom is doing everything and annoyed that her DH isn't helping enough. Many of us can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not a jerk, but in this case you are wrong. I work full time. I am also the default parent these days and made all the summer camp plans, do all the driving, etc. It is a ton of work. The logistics of the sign-ups, forms, driving, gear, etc. is hellish. The schedule is like one of those complicated puzzles on the table in a doctor's waiting room where the pieces only fit together one way, and if you get one piece wrong the whole thing falls apart. And, DC being DC, all of the arrangements had to be made months ago because camps start filling up in January.

Your DH took all of this on. He is handling all of it. You do not have to do any of it. You should be telling him every day how grateful you are for what he is doing. Give that man a hug and a cold beer.

Of course you still get to have thoughts about your kids' lives and input on the schedule. But, the time for that input was in March, not now in the middle of the summer struggle. And, to the extent your input involves the idea that the kids should have more downtime during working hours, then you need to step up an volunteer to be with the kids during that downtime.

The one surefire way for my spouse to drive me through the roof is by trying to rejigger summer plans in July. All I want is to have the summer schedule settled.

This exactly!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This is far, far too nice. Yes, OP is the jerk, to her husband and to her kids.

Although I'm 87% sure that (i) the real OP of this post is the engaged parent, not the slug whining about "don't my feelings matter, too?"; or (ii) the genders have been flipped.

Why do people refuse to believe that Dads can be involved? Or be the primary caregiver.

DW & I both work demanding jobs, but I'm remote 4 days out of the week. So I take the kids to all camps and sports practices, etc. She gets home from work around 6:30-7:00 and usually prepares dinner while I'm at a softball or lax or baseball practice, or some activity.

Just because it didnt happen in your home, doesnt mean it never happens at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

OP, between this and you saying that you are not a "details person" it sounds like you struggle with executive function. Did you struggle in school? Have you ever been evaluated for any kind of attention disorder? Because overall it sounds like the details of your family's very busy life just overwhelm and confuse you, and when you want to step in or make a change you don't know how to put the pieces together to do so. This is frustrating, so then you either lash out or make sweeping suggestions that don't really fit everyone else's needs (e.g., having the kids stop activities that they enjoy just so it is easier for you to understand and manipulate their daily schedules). From your husband's perspective it is probably frustrating because, as other people have pointed out, he has to handle everything, but then periodically you complain about what he has arranged without actually being able to help making a change that works for everyone.

Just something to think about. My sister went on ADHD meds as an adult and says it has really helped her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

This is far, far too nice. Yes, OP is the jerk, to her husband and to her kids.

Although I'm 87% sure that (i) the real OP of this post is the engaged parent, not the slug whining about "don't my feelings matter, too?"; or (ii) the genders have been flipped.

Yep.

The engaged parent wrote this. It's very passive aggressive. Lol

I thought so, too. It reads like the real OP is the engaged parents and also that the genders have been flipped, so in this case the mom is doing everything and annoyed that her DH isn't helping enough. Many of us can relate.

100% agree. There's no way this person is writing on their own behalf.