How do married people find the random time to cheat?

[Anonymous]

Some occupations have irregular (non 9 to 5) shifts and work days. Think firefighters, police, healthcare, restaurant and healthcare workers. If someone has a past time like golf or hunting, they can and do get away with a lot if they're inclined to cheat.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You are naive, OP. Where there is a will, there’s a way. You could ‘go to the gym’ at night, have dinner with a ‘friend’, you could say you are doing any number of things and run out for a quickie. I know people who work in an office will get a hotel room during lunch. And when I used to travel for work, married men especially would use their hotel room to hook up with women.

Am I the only one that does pretty much everything with my husband? And when we’re not together, we are meeting at the same location nearly always. To randomly disrupt that routine would set off a lot of red flags in our house. But maybe some spouses are just naive or in denial?

When I was married, I did zero with my husband. Literally zero. We lived in the same house. That is it. I don't know anyone who does EVERYTHING with their husband. I was married for 10 years. No cheating.

Perhaps that’s why you are using married in the past tense? My husband and I aren’t joined at the hip, but when the opportunity presents itself to be together we take it. He doesn’t need to come to our kids’ swim practice in the morning, but if he’s up and ready for work, he often comes with me and we drink our coffee and chat for 30 min. If we don’t have a 9am meeting, we walk the kids to school together so we can chat with each other for 7 minutes on the way home. We like each other and want to be together when we don’t have to divide and conquer with the kids .

More couples need to be like this: Actually liking spending time together that isn't spent on sex (DCUM's obsession), and actually having conversations. I'm betting many of your conversations are about things other than your kids, schedules and logistics, too--right? Because liking each other outside of bed, and talking about things other than the kids/logistics, are great indicators for a strong marriage. Good for you and your DH!

A lot of people on this forum describe their marriage this way and one partner still cheats.

A cheater can put on a good show for a long time but fundamentally they are just broken people.

Sure, that's true. But not universally true. I'm sorry you got burned somehow and can't imagine that, yes, there are couples like this where neither cheats.

There are also many couples that still have sex, often - in spite of what the cheater claims.

Yep. I was COMPLETELY blindsided. We were having regular sex 1-2x a week.

Common. A lot of men actually increase the amount of sex with their wives when cheating.

When I was having an affair I felt physically gross having sex with my wife. I felt like I was cheating on my girlfriend, who I had fallen in love with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t find the time; they steal it, mostly from their children.

This is the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t find the time; they steal it, mostly from their children.

Sad but true, as a divorced dad, when I go on a date I feel guilty that I am stealing time from my kids, even though they are teens and old enough to amuse themselves without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are naive, OP. Where there is a will, there’s a way. You could ‘go to the gym’ at night, have dinner with a ‘friend’, you could say you are doing any number of things and run out for a quickie. I know people who work in an office will get a hotel room during lunch. And when I used to travel for work, married men especially would use their hotel room to hook up with women.

Am I the only one that does pretty much everything with my husband? And when we’re not together, we are meeting at the same location nearly always. To randomly disrupt that routine would set off a lot of red flags in our house. But maybe some spouses are just naive or in denial?

Do you both WFH? What about errands? No work travel? No trips, for even a few hours to see relatives without both of you there? I’m pretty sure my DH has never cheated but I’ve thought about how he has plenty of ways to fit in in if he wanted to and we do most things together, within reason (don’t social separately, know where each other should be at all times but we do work outside the house and occasionally travel for work).

DP but I'm in the same situation. We don't do everything together but he hardly ever leaves the house! I do the weekend shopping and usually have a kid with me and he stays home for weekend chores and has a kid with him! He does a rec sport for three months a year where he goes out once a week but he's done that for 10 years and its only for like 12 weeks a year. We work together in the same room during the day. We don't travel for work, we really do basically do everything except errands and doctors appointments (uncommon) together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are naive, OP. Where there is a will, there’s a way. You could ‘go to the gym’ at night, have dinner with a ‘friend’, you could say you are doing any number of things and run out for a quickie. I know people who work in an office will get a hotel room during lunch. And when I used to travel for work, married men especially would use their hotel room to hook up with women.

Am I the only one that does pretty much everything with my husband? And when we’re not together, we are meeting at the same location nearly always. To randomly disrupt that routine would set off a lot of red flags in our house. But maybe some spouses are just naive or in denial?

When I was married, I did zero with my husband. Literally zero. We lived in the same house. That is it. I don't know anyone who does EVERYTHING with their husband. I was married for 10 years. No cheating.

Perhaps that’s why you are using married in the past tense? My husband and I aren’t joined at the hip, but when the opportunity presents itself to be together we take it. He doesn’t need to come to our kids’ swim practice in the morning, but if he’s up and ready for work, he often comes with me and we drink our coffee and chat for 30 min. If we don’t have a 9am meeting, we walk the kids to school together so we can chat with each other for 7 minutes on the way home. We like each other and want to be together when we don’t have to divide and conquer with the kids .

More couples need to be like this: Actually liking spending time together that isn't spent on sex (DCUM's obsession), and actually having conversations. I'm betting many of your conversations are about things other than your kids, schedules and logistics, too--right? Because liking each other outside of bed, and talking about things other than the kids/logistics, are great indicators for a strong marriage. Good for you and your DH!

A lot of people on this forum describe their marriage this way and one partner still cheats.

A cheater can put on a good show for a long time but fundamentally they are just broken people.

+1. Cheaters basically are addicts, with all the lying and secrecy hallmarks of addiction. When you feel pity for their illness it makes it easier to move on and steer clear of their pathology.

+2 another poster that had lots of communication, shared deep thoughts together, socialized and spent all of our time together. We were always great friends and still had sex.

I agree that it was an addiction and a fix and at this time he also started secretly drinking to deal with his self-crisis and the stress of the lying. I wondered why he was all the sudden getting drunk so fast and his tolerance seeming to drop to zero when we socialized with friends on the weekends.

I saw the guy that worked at the hotel talked about drinks being sent up to the room midday. Yep. They usually are drinking too. I found airplane bottles in car. He down one before meeting her—helps with the ability to lie when you numb yourself.

When you resort to betraying and lying, you have done serious issues. Healthy people don’t do this stuff.

Oh sweetie, light pre-game drinking (note: not drunk, just a little buzz) isn't about dealing with lying, it's about making you a talker, loosens you up, you become funnier... and for men, a little extra stamina in the bedroom. And if you're then drinking more with the rendezvous, it makes it so you're drunker faster.

[Anonymous]

For men, an easy one is golf. Golf is basically half the day. And male buddies can plan a couple of "golf trips" per year. Or go see golf tournaments.

Popular one for women is tennis. Tennis matches, tennis lessons. Lots of time away from the family. Sh*t, sometimes they're cheating with the instructor!

If you're tracking his or her phone because the family all shares locations, it's easy to leave the phone in the car or locker at the golf or tennis club and then go do your dirt elsewhere. Same thing can be done when the spouse "goes to the office." Just leave the phone in the car in the parking garage and uber where you're meeting the hook-up or the hook-up picks you up.

[Anonymous]

for those that travel, are you not scared about getting some crazy? Especially women. Thats all I can think about. Getting some depraved loony on a business trip who is also a serial killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex would wait for me to fall asleep, then he would go out around 11pm. I was a new mom so I was exhausted. But when baby woke up and I noticed he wasn't there multiple times, the running to McDonald's for a snack excuse stopped working. Especially when I noticed he took my car and gas was low, and that he had taken an apple with him to McDonald's and left it on my seat.

Used Google account to figure out his map history.

Sorry. It's really low to do this right after you gave birth. How did you use Google to track him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for those that travel, are you not scared about getting some crazy? Especially women. Thats all I can think about. Getting some depraved loony on a business trip who is also a serial killer.

I don't know about killer but a loony who easily cyber-stalks your spouse on social media and sends them an (anonymous) message seems probable. But I guess that rarely happens.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy once whose first wife left him over an affair - she was having sex with her affair partner on the job, at the elementary school where they both worked.

Ew, indeed!

[Anonymous]

It's always the wives who say that they thought they had "affair-proofed" their marriage (maintaining their figure and attractiveness, never saying no to sex, etc) that end up blindsided by their husband cheating.

No one is together 24/7 and it's always the ones you'd never suspect capable of doing it.

[Anonymous]

Golf

[Anonymous]

Between all the cooking and cleaning and reading with the kid and driving around and my actual career I think I could squeeze out a 5 minute quickie in the bathroom, but I'm with you--I have no idea who these people are that spend the afternoon together having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are naive, OP. Where there is a will, there’s a way. You could ‘go to the gym’ at night, have dinner with a ‘friend’, you could say you are doing any number of things and run out for a quickie. I know people who work in an office will get a hotel room during lunch. And when I used to travel for work, married men especially would use their hotel room to hook up with women.

Am I the only one that does pretty much everything with my husband? And when we’re not together, we are meeting at the same location nearly always. To randomly disrupt that routine would set off a lot of red flags in our house. But maybe some spouses are just naive or in denial?

When I was married, I did zero with my husband. Literally zero. We lived in the same house. That is it. I don't know anyone who does EVERYTHING with their husband. I was married for 10 years. No cheating.

Perhaps that’s why you are using married in the past tense? My husband and I aren’t joined at the hip, but when the opportunity presents itself to be together we take it. He doesn’t need to come to our kids’ swim practice in the morning, but if he’s up and ready for work, he often comes with me and we drink our coffee and chat for 30 min. If we don’t have a 9am meeting, we walk the kids to school together so we can chat with each other for 7 minutes on the way home. We like each other and want to be together when we don’t have to divide and conquer with the kids .

More couples need to be like this: Actually liking spending time together that isn't spent on sex (DCUM's obsession), and actually having conversations. I'm betting many of your conversations are about things other than your kids, schedules and logistics, too--right? Because liking each other outside of bed, and talking about things other than the kids/logistics, are great indicators for a strong marriage. Good for you and your DH!

A lot of people on this forum describe their marriage this way and one partner still cheats.

A cheater can put on a good show for a long time but fundamentally they are just broken people.

+1. Cheaters basically are addicts, with all the lying and secrecy hallmarks of addiction. When you feel pity for their illness it makes it easier to move on and steer clear of their pathology.

+2 another poster that had lots of communication, shared deep thoughts together, socialized and spent all of our time together. We were always great friends and still had sex.

I agree that it was an addiction and a fix and at this time he also started secretly drinking to deal with his self-crisis and the stress of the lying. I wondered why he was all the sudden getting drunk so fast and his tolerance seeming to drop to zero when we socialized with friends on the weekends.

I saw the guy that worked at the hotel talked about drinks being sent up to the room midday. Yep. They usually are drinking too. I found airplane bottles in car. He down one before meeting her—helps with the ability to lie when you numb yourself.

When you resort to betraying and lying, you have done serious issues. Healthy people don’t do this stuff.

Oh sweetie, light pre-game drinking (note: not drunk, just a little buzz) isn't about dealing with lying, it's about making you a talker, loosens you up, you become funnier... and for men, a little extra stamina in the bedroom. And if you're then drinking more with the rendezvous, it makes it so you're drunker faster.

There is sooooo much wrong with the ^ above. Good god. We get it--you are a drunk slut that can cheat on your spouse. Getting lubed up makes you forget about the people you are hurting.

What's sick is these idiots then get in cars in the middle of the day and drive home. Effing loser.