Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a growing and very vocal trend on social media (Reddit, Tiktok especially) that says, essentially, that if your parents don't agree with everything you say and read your mind all the time, then they're "narcissists" and "emotionally abusive" and you should cut ties or "grey rock" them. This mindset is causing serious harm in untold numbers of families. It's dangerous.

You are 100% spot on with this, particularly the "narcissist" label being attached to any parent who sets any sort of boundary for a young adult (i.e. "Don't speak to me that way.") It's horribly destructive and absolutely pervasive. We've seen examples of it in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This pretty much sums it up. And it's exhausting.
You'll need an IG acct to see:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cs1mjoxvwPf/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

Young adults want an apology from their parents. This is reinforced in all the various social media messaging they got and a biproduct of the emphasis of mental health “wellness” messaging they were bombarded with. It has made them all more self-absorbed than a typical teenager in the past.

Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you for all of the sacrifices they made and the difficulties of child rearing. And we’re fed up with the entitlement attitudes and general lack of appreciation. Ironically, we fostered that. But until they are in our shoes, they won’t appreciate it. And maybe not even then.

You are loggerheads. You aren’t the only ones.

I pity your kids, have no doubt you are a monstrously controlling parent. Hope they estrange from you and you can choke on it the rest of your poor me life. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THANKS FOR IMPOSING YOURSELF UPON THEM WITH ALL YOUR TOXIC UNRESOLVED GARBAGE THAT YOU INFLICTED ON THEM.

Parents SHOULD acknowledge and apologize for the damage they do to their children. Period. They do not deserve nor should they expect gratitude for anything they did as far as parenting from conception to age 18 - that was the obligation they freely chose. Children don’t get to choose. I know many children who wish they could have. I know many children whose lives have been agony and who would much have preferred not to have been born.

So sick of entitled breeders who want a medal for abusing their kids.

You sound a little unhinged and are doing a lot of projection. I was describing a societal phenomenon, not my own circumstances. If that triggers you so radically, maybe you should seek mental health care. I don’t mean that unkindly.

I am perfectly rational and not unhinged. The fact that you would use such language leaves me no doubt as to your character and the experience endured by your kids. I pity them and will add them to my prayers.

Beyond growing up with toxic a holes who bred with abandon and inflicted all their dysfunction on us, I have spent my entire adult life as an advocate for abused kids in one fashion or another, including many years putting abusive ‘dads’ and ‘moms’ in prison and/or taking their kids away from them as a prosecutor representing the shocked conscience of the community.

Society hasn’t changed much at all, parents have been abusive for millennia. There is just now the indignation and fear of toxic a hole self absorbed abusive parents in a climate where kids are no longer silently enduring the abuse and the adult aftermath.

People are talking about their abusive parents and confronting their abusive parents and estranging from their abusive parents and shock! Parents who know they were toxic a holes to their kids are very, very uncomfortable with this new reality.

DP. You sound extremely toxic. Or, you very much need a good therapist who will help you address your anger and projection issues.

The fact that you're comparing OP to parents who deserve jail is just one of the telling hyperboles in your rant. I feel sorry for your kids and will add them to my prayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a growing and very vocal trend on social media (Reddit, Tiktok especially) that says, essentially, that if your parents don't agree with everything you say and read your mind all the time, then they're "narcissists" and "emotionally abusive" and you should cut ties or "grey rock" them. This mindset is causing serious harm in untold numbers of families. It's dangerous.

You are 100% spot on with this, particularly the "narcissist" label being attached to any parent who sets any sort of boundary for a young adult (i.e. "Don't speak to me that way.") It's horribly destructive and absolutely pervasive. We've seen examples of it in this thread.

+2. I agree, we've reached the point where any boundary or discipline is fair game to be called "abuse by a narcissistic parent." (Not a fan of spanking, but these days the label "abuse" apparently extends to any form of discipline, such as time-outs or taking away the car.) There's at least one poster on this thread who manifests this pure hate and lack of personal responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Or mom is a nut job and daughter was justified. We're only hearing one side of the story, so nobody really knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Or mom is a nut job and daughter was justified. We're only hearing one side of the story, so nobody really knows.

And we only hear one side of the story on the countless threads complaining mom is a narc nut job, yet you never pipe up then. Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Or mom is a nut job and daughter was justified. We're only hearing one side of the story, so nobody really knows.

And we only hear one side of the story on the countless threads complaining mom is a narc nut job, yet you never pipe up then. Hmmm.

NP. You don't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Or mom is a nut job and daughter was justified. We're only hearing one side of the story, so nobody really knows.

And we only hear one side of the story on the countless threads complaining mom is a narc nut job, yet you never pipe up then. Hmmm.

NP. You don't know that.

Well nobody pipes up, so I do know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your daughter needs to see a therapist in order to be able to discover and to release whatever emotions are causing her to feel such anger.

My best guess is that your daughter does not like herself and that your daughter does not like her life.

This is very perceptive.

Or mom is a nut job and daughter was justified. We're only hearing one side of the story, so nobody really knows.

And we only hear one side of the story on the countless threads complaining mom is a narc nut job, yet you never pipe up then. Hmmm.

NP. You don't know that.

Well nobody pipes up, so I do know that.

PP may not have read the threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is remarkable how much you do not want to answer the question about what horrible things she said.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

You have already posted this link in other threads. Go away, kiddo.

I first read it when someone else posted it here. If you have something concrete to disagree with about it, that would be worthy conversation. "Go away, kiddo" is just nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read everything. There is a natural desire to both rebel against and have a relationship with mom, so i don't what you said was enough for things to end for good. I endured many rounds of far worse from my mom who really was abusive and I kept going back.

That said, I do think you need to figure out why you were triggered. My teen says a lot to me that rolls off my back, but occasionally pushes a real button. (My mother installed and pushes every button she can).It helps me to explore why something upsets me.

The therapy and mental illness thing thing is often used to insult people, put them in their place. My mom used it a lot. I recall trying to respectfully address he tendency to hurl insults and she told me I was too sensitive and should "get therapy." I was not triggered. I told her I was getting therapy which I did not expect to make her EXPLODE into a paranoid rage. She wanted to know everything I said to the therapist about HER. I had started going because a college roommate and dear friend passed away and one of my kids had some struggles. She tried to demand the number of the therapist to give "her side." When we did focus on her it was mostly me just getting strategies to de-escalate and have a relationship with her without being emotionally drained.

[Anonymous]

It’s a big problem. Anytime I set boundaries or responsibilities, my DD tells me I am abusive. If I tell her she can’t date until she is 16, I am a controlling helicopter parent who won’t let her life, and I am toxic. If I say she has to make her bed and take out the trash as a member of this household where everyone contributes, she thinks she should be paid. If I say she must finish her homework before watching TV, I don’t respect the way she works best (BTW, we tried it her way a couple of times and guess what happens…). She’s rude and I tell her I don’t like the way she is speaking to me; it’s not appropriate —and she tells me I am a terrible parent who doesn’t allow her freedom of speech. She was incredibly rude one day this year and told me she wishes I were dead, and broke something of mine on purpose. I told her she was grounded and not allowed to go to the school party that night. She said how dare I take away childhood memories she could make at the school party.

She is 13. She is getting all this from social media and other girls. She already tells me she hates me and can’t wait to cut me out of her life. OP’s daughter sounds like it was similar growing up.l have no doubt at 22 my DD will hate me too but I am still going to parent, set boundaries, expect respect, etc. Social media tells them their parents should allow them to do whatever they want with a smile and a gift or money in their hands. It’s more than entitlement, they want complete freedom, no responsibility, no accountability, all the while being showered with gifts.

If you disagree at all, you are abusive.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read the comments but this would be exactly the evangelical between my late mentally ill mother and me. Something would trigger me and then I would end up saying she needs help for her mental illness and she would tell me I was the crazy one.
Also, I took a clean break from her and my enmeshed enabling dad around age 25 for a year or so. I just couldn’t deal with it.

Not saying that’s your case OP, maybe your DD is indeed the mentally ill one. But it’s not in the OP, as well as any other context.
I wish you happiness and reconnecting to your DD in a positive productive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

Ok she is the one who has a problem. I think you are right, she needs help.
Good luck finding what you can do. Don’t let yourself get drained too much. Maybe find her a therapist so that she doesn’t have to do research at least.