Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Not OP but shut up. Most mental illness is just genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

I honestly think it’s fine that you said what you said. People need to hear how others perceive them. Tiptoeing didn’t help, she may now wake up, but most likely not.
Maybe give her a couple references to therapists YOU vet and think are good. She doesn’t have the wherewithal to go shop around for a good one. If it’s just a number to call, she may do it one day.

[Anonymous]

It’s ridiculous. I know my 16 DD watches this crap on TikTok and claims I am endangering her mental health, being a bully, etc when I tell her she cannot do something (hang out with her friend who was just caught by his parents doing drugs, with money he stole from them). “It’s not your right to tell me what I can do and not do, I am my own person and it’s my body.” If I say “my house, my rules” she just claims I am holding money over her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art clahisses, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Not OP but shut up. Most mental illness is just genetic.

It certainly is not. Where on earth did you get that from?

[Anonymous]

It may not always be genetic, but when it’s not, it’s not automatically the parent’s fault.

Social media has an enormous influence over kids today, one we didn’t experience ourselves as children to be able to fully understand its grip.

[Anonymous]

TikTok has created a generation that thinks being parented is “trauma.” I cannot wait until they have teens if their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TikTok has created a generation that thinks being parented is “trauma.” I cannot wait until they have teens if their own.

They won't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. She sounds like a brat and owes you an apology. She is an adult and needs to learn she cannot insult others without receiving similar criticism.

No. “Tit for tat” is for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

Do…you not know what “not living with us” means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art clahisses, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Not OP but shut up. Most mental illness is just genetic.

It certainly is not. Where on earth did you get that from?

You should probably refrain from speaking about things you know nothing about. DP.

Now, because this is DCUM and anonymous, please be predictable and come back with a failed attempt at a mic drop moment with “ACTUALLY, I’m a mental health professional,”so we can all laugh at you. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Surprisingly, the vast majority of abusive parents never acknowledge being abusers. Not surprisingly of course, because any of us who are not aberrant actors knows that it must take a twisted mindset to inflict physical or psychological abuse on a defenseless child and that kind of twisted thinking is not going to be amenable to calls to moral accountability.

So having this reality firmly in mind - a reality hard won of being an abused child and being a prosecutor of child abusers for many years - I am highly skeptical of the kind of people who snark about claims of child abuse (a very small percentage are not authentic) and automatically take up championing the parents as wrongfully accused. Methinks they doth protest too much.

[Anonymous]

My daughter (not adult) claims she is being abused because we take away her phone or take away privileges when she is obnoxious or doesn’t do her chores. She says it’s child labor when we ask her to do chores without paying her minimum wage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

Yeah. This. The fact that you think what you said to her was terrible (after she berated you) points to you probably having had a lot of trouble setting boundaries with her. That’s probably why she’s a brat.

You setting boundaries and doing “the 180” on her just might help to turn things around eventually. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP does it really help you to have a bunch of non-experts weight in on your side of the story? If you truly care about family and want healthy relationships, why not do family therapy and work through things there rather than trying to get a gang of internet strangers to tell you are right and your daughter stinks?

You might still end up complete estranged, but I at least would want to know I tried everything to truly make it work and own my side.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a therapist, OP? It sounds like you’re facing a lot of stress and could use support.

I also notice that you think using the words “mental illness” is really horrible and maybe unforgivable. It’s not. Lots of us have mental illnesses. Your daughter might. You might. I do. My child does. It sounds like there’s a lot of stigma around mental illness in your family, and that probably hinders your daughter from getting the help that she needs. Can you think of anything you can do to start breaking that stigma down? I suspect that getting therapy for yourself and, at some point, letting your daughter know that you see a therapist and think that’s healthy and ok would go a long way towards breaking down the stigma and helping her feel comfortable getting help.